The Dating Blues

Dating can be a drag and you can get depressed because you have hope you will meet the person of your dreams and that doesn’t usually happen right away. Instead you had a boring evening and would rather have stayed home and washed your hair. My mom always told me it only takes one, but which one? Where? How? Actually you probably will meet him when you do not expect it–maybe at a bus stop, on the subway, at a wedding, or even the salad bar. If only the wall would come down. If you have one great date or experience you could desensitize yourself to rejection, and make sure to keep a sense of humor about it. It’s important not to stereotype and smile, look in his eyes and say hello, do not walk away (it only hurts for a little while),be positive, it only takes one! Yes, women you can make the first move! Men are actually more sensitive to rejection. Good luck and let me know how it goes. Be sure to check out my dating book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” for more tips.

The Little Things: Part 2

Just today, I was lucky enough to be driven in a car service by a wonderful man who is married 29 years happily and whose sentiments echoed the one’s I spoke of yesterday. He spoke to me about how a good marriage is about doing those “big” little things daily, like helping his wife in the kitchen, telling her he loves her everyday, picking her up from work so she does not take the bus, sharing finances, not keeping “score”, never going to bed mad, walking in her shoes even if they do not fit, and not arguing if she feels different but understanding instead. He told me “I can’t wait to come home to her and hug her hello, and eat dinner with her.”
This is a man after my own heart. All of those same mini connections are also how my husband behaves. That behavior propelled us to write our “SmartHeart” skills and tools for all of you to emulate in “Make Up Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.” The driver and I spoke some more about how sometimes people give up too easily and divorce, and how important it is to work at it. It’s not hard to be nice and loving instead of vengeful and angry. It’s also better for your health!

Why Staying Married is Worth the Challenge!

New research on marriage in this week’s issue of Time Magazine, discussed how to stay married and why no matter the challenge, it’s worth it!  Belinda Luscombe’s article speaks to the expectations that are are so much higher than they once were, which is why more effort needs to be put in than ever before.  I always tell patients your partner needs to enhance who you are and let you be your true self! In other words: you’re better together as it brings out the best in each of you separately and together. In line with my writings on adultery, the research shows that adultery can be seen as a forgivable sin, but remorse, an end to the affair, and reconciliation are paramount. Marrieds have greater health, finances, sex lives, and overall happiness than singles, and I see this in my practice.  I have seen couples reach real life love when they are more gentle and kind with each other. When the power struggle is gone and good will takes over, it reminds couples of how it was in the beginning when they first met each other. Sarcastic remarks or tones in a contemptuous way corrode marriages and without respect, love erodes.  I speak about this in “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course on Marriage and Relationships: keys to success http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships. The first and most important thing to decide is that divorce is not an option.  This is what I did with my husband of 27 years. Because of that, we work through things differently, with that commitment and love leading the way.  Men need to be educated to do the emotional heavy lifting in order to make a relationship last the test of time–it’s what I call “connectable by instruction.” Fair fighting is important!  Polite marriages are higher in adultery.  Conflict and passion often go hand-in-hand. Sex is important too!  Many married couples make the mistake of turning into only a friendship. We need to reawaken those endorphins you experienced when you first fell in love.  You can have both, but you need to set aside time for this.  It’s key to compartmentalize this from problems, and do not mix the two!

Corden’s Carpool Karaoke as Couples Therapy

James Corden’s carpool karaoke is an aphrodisiac and stand in or mandatory exercise for my couples therapy. His free spirit and spontaneity are contagious, and allow the child in all of us come out and play.  This is so important for “stuck” couples to piggyback off of.  I have couples participate in carpool karaoke as a part of my couples exercise. It acts as both a stress reliever and romance enhancer . Why? It solves one of the biggest issue couples fight over in the car–directions!  Couples are copycatting the sing along on trips rather than fighting over directions. Thank you James! Thank you for romancing all my couples! You are saving marriages now without a psych degree!

 

 

 

 

 

Women who have been cheated on.

A study reported by Fox News that was conducted by Binghamton University and the University of London reported that women who have been cheated on can do better in the long run if they have gotten over their anger and plus if they have learned better life skills and learned how to be treated.

Dr. Bonnie warns Husbands that Women Ignored On Mother’s Day Are More Likely to Cheat

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of the NY Times Readers Choice Award Winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up advises husbands to honor their wives on Mother’s Day. “Husbands who ignore their wives send a message that their work is not appreciated. Women work an extra 36 hours a week on home and family related tasks, above and beyond their jobs outside the home. Mother’s Day offers a structured way to honor their contribution,” says Dr. Bonnie. According to Ashley Madison, the website dedicated to help married individuals find partners to have affairs, the biggest day of the year for female signups is the day after Mother’s Day, a day when women may be the least satisfied with their marriages.

Dr. Bonnie urges couples to heed her warning for the consequences of ignoring Mother’s Day. According to AshleyMadison.com—the website dedicated to helping married individuals find partners to have affairs, the biggest day of the year for female signups is the day after Mother’s Day

“It is imperative that men honor the work involved in being a wife, mother, and holding down a job outside the home, especially on Mother’s Day—the one day of the year husband’s can honor the dedication and specialized work involved in being a mother. It is essential for men to show they value their wives at the home and at the office, especially men who invalidate, ignore, or do not listen can send a message of being taken for granted or not appreciating her,” explains Dr. Bonnie.

“Women are so good at multi-tasking, they often take on more of the household chores, and are usually the primary caregivers to their children. According to her book Financial Infidelity (Making Money Sexy) Dr. Bonnie reports that “Women work an extra 36 hours a week on family related tasks in addition to their jobs.”

The Ashley Madison website, started in 2001 boasts 37,000,000 anonymous members of people in committed relationships and marriages looking for discrete affairs. Data from the site reports that women ignored or devalued during holiday’s they deem important—Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, become disillusioned with their relationship, and many seek attention from men outside their relationships immediately following these holidays.

“A husband is doing more than honoring his wife on Mother’s Day. He is sending a message to the children that their mother deserves recognition for her priceless contributions to the family,” says Dr. Bonnie who advises fathers to have the children involved in making gifts and surprising her with tender sentiments—reminding men that children have emotional antennae.

Check out Dr. Bonnie’s expertise highlighted on the Discovery Health Channel:

Sign up for Dr. Bonnie’s my Ed2Go course on adultery prevention: marriage and relationships: keys to success here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships

Half of all teens addicted to cell phones

There was a study conducted by Common Sense Media which found that one-half of all teens are addicted to the cell phone and this addiction interferes with their sleep and grades at school.

Dr. Bonnie’s tip: Parents – keep your teen’s phone charger in your bedroom to help monitor your teens’ phone usage.

Trouble in Paradise: Dr. Bonnie Provides Antidote for Illicit ‘Cheat Retreat’

Dr. Bonnie responds to the most shocking cheating strategy in the works since Ashley Madison with her ground-breaking solution to “cure” infidelity. 

Recently, news of a “cheat retreat” hit the wires outlining Illicit Encounters’ latest business plan to build a “sex island” off the U.K. coast where spouses can go to carry out their secret affairs and effectively get away with it. The Island offers their guests guaranteed secrecy with a wide range of professional services to help guests cover their tracks. This new practice of adultery takes scandal and deception to the next level and Dr. Bonnie has something big to say about it.

“The development of an institutional practice encouraging cheaters to ‘hideaway’ with even more lying and faking should be a major wakeup call. It’s a fundamental change in the way we’re thinking about relationships and love, and we need to understand the root cause of this phenomenon in order to fix it. Only 35 percent of couples stay together when adultery occurs…and it does not have to be that way. Getting rid of a person does not get rid of the problem,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, renowned relationship therapist and author of Adultery the Forgivable Sin and Make Up, Don’t Breakup.

Her theory biochemical craving for connection explains adultery as a method of self-medication due to a blood sugar and brain chemical imbalance. During times of loss, separation, or stress, these imbalances are amplified and, if not treated, cause behaviors like addiction and adultery for temporary relief. Dr. Bonnie asserts that with the appropriate psychotherapy, which includes her revolutionary “smart heart dialogue,” we can reverse and correct the imbalances driving this destructive, thrill-seeking behavior.

Check out Dr. Bonnie’s expertise highlighted on the Discovery Health Channel:

Sign up for Dr. Bonnie’s my Ed2Go course on adultery prevention: marriage and relationships: keys to success here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships

Best of Luck to the Broncos and the Panthers

Dr. Bonnie wishes the best of luck to both the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. She and her husband already have their Broncos Peyton Manning jerseys ready to go, and urges all couples to cuddle up, with that oxytocin, “cuddle” hormone while watching the Superbowl  together; couples who “play” together stay together, so Makeup Don’t Break Up (straight from the book of the same name).

Time to Tackle Your Relationship During Superbowl

tmp_8342-photo998636950Instead of allowing the final football game of the season to drive a wedge in a relationship, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil suggest couples use the superbowl to get close and cuddle with your partner to “touchdown” together using attachment skills. “Half time is the perfect time to re-connect sexually and make the game that much more interesting,” she advises.

Couples should keep in mind that sex is the best if there’s a positive all-around experience so be sure to cook or purchase favorite foods and snacks to have on hand during the game. “Many couples watch the game together,” notes Dr. Bonnie, “and this is the perfect time to add in sex during half time.” Endorphins are running high during football games, especially when favorite teams are playing – so Dr. Bonnie suggests putting those endorphins to good use. This heightened endorphin level encourages the sizzle and passion that comes with great sex.

Even for couples that won’t be watching the game together, it’s helpful to create a fun atmosphere. Often women are the ones who choose not to watch the game, and they may resent their husband’s decision to do so. Instead of letting football drive a wedge in the relationship, use it as an opportunity to create a positive experience for both people. Women not watching the game can encourage their husband to have a good time without them, with an understanding that there will be couple time later, or the wife will have some free time to spend doing something she enjoys. If a woman’s husband realizes that she’s stretching to be a football fan, he’s going to want to stretch for her in other areas.

In either case, the use the Superbowl to create a space where both people end up happy and fulfilled, instead of engaged in a power struggle.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a private practice NYC Psychotherapist. She counsels couples, singles, adults and children worldwide via telephone and/or on-site. She is the author of the Best Seller and Readers Choice Award winning book Make Up, Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD; as well as the book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, which was turned into the Lifetime movie Silence of Adultery. Dr. Bonnie appeared on the pilot that currently still airing on Discovery Health OWN titled “Unfaithful” and can be seen here http://youtu.be/BHk37fj-3Lk.
Dr. Bonnie Weil has launched her first Education 2 Go Course Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success. Read more and register here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships?tab=detail

 

 

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