Women who have been cheated on.

A study reported by Fox News that was conducted by Binghamton University and the University of London reported that women who have been cheated on can do better in the long run if they have gotten over their anger and plus if they have learned better life skills and learned how to be treated.

Dr. Bonnie warns Husbands that Women Ignored On Mother’s Day Are More Likely to Cheat

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of the NY Times Readers Choice Award Winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up advises husbands to honor their wives on Mother’s Day. “Husbands who ignore their wives send a message that their work is not appreciated. Women work an extra 36 hours a week on home and family related tasks, above and beyond their jobs outside the home. Mother’s Day offers a structured way to honor their contribution,” says Dr. Bonnie. According to Ashley Madison, the website dedicated to help married individuals find partners to have affairs, the biggest day of the year for female signups is the day after Mother’s Day, a day when women may be the least satisfied with their marriages.

Dr. Bonnie urges couples to heed her warning for the consequences of ignoring Mother’s Day. According to AshleyMadison.com—the website dedicated to helping married individuals find partners to have affairs, the biggest day of the year for female signups is the day after Mother’s Day

“It is imperative that men honor the work involved in being a wife, mother, and holding down a job outside the home, especially on Mother’s Day—the one day of the year husband’s can honor the dedication and specialized work involved in being a mother. It is essential for men to show they value their wives at the home and at the office, especially men who invalidate, ignore, or do not listen can send a message of being taken for granted or not appreciating her,” explains Dr. Bonnie.

“Women are so good at multi-tasking, they often take on more of the household chores, and are usually the primary caregivers to their children. According to her book Financial Infidelity (Making Money Sexy) Dr. Bonnie reports that “Women work an extra 36 hours a week on family related tasks in addition to their jobs.”

The Ashley Madison website, started in 2001 boasts 37,000,000 anonymous members of people in committed relationships and marriages looking for discrete affairs. Data from the site reports that women ignored or devalued during holiday’s they deem important—Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, become disillusioned with their relationship, and many seek attention from men outside their relationships immediately following these holidays.

“A husband is doing more than honoring his wife on Mother’s Day. He is sending a message to the children that their mother deserves recognition for her priceless contributions to the family,” says Dr. Bonnie who advises fathers to have the children involved in making gifts and surprising her with tender sentiments—reminding men that children have emotional antennae.

Check out Dr. Bonnie’s expertise highlighted on the Discovery Health Channel:

Sign up for Dr. Bonnie’s my Ed2Go course on adultery prevention: marriage and relationships: keys to success here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships

Half of all teens addicted to cell phones

There was a study conducted by Common Sense Media which found that one-half of all teens are addicted to the cell phone and this addiction interferes with their sleep and grades at school.

Dr. Bonnie’s tip: Parents – keep your teen’s phone charger in your bedroom to help monitor your teens’ phone usage.

Trouble in Paradise: Dr. Bonnie Provides Antidote for Illicit ‘Cheat Retreat’

Dr. Bonnie responds to the most shocking cheating strategy in the works since Ashley Madison with her ground-breaking solution to “cure” infidelity. 

Recently, news of a “cheat retreat” hit the wires outlining Illicit Encounters’ latest business plan to build a “sex island” off the U.K. coast where spouses can go to carry out their secret affairs and effectively get away with it. The Island offers their guests guaranteed secrecy with a wide range of professional services to help guests cover their tracks. This new practice of adultery takes scandal and deception to the next level and Dr. Bonnie has something big to say about it.

“The development of an institutional practice encouraging cheaters to ‘hideaway’ with even more lying and faking should be a major wakeup call. It’s a fundamental change in the way we’re thinking about relationships and love, and we need to understand the root cause of this phenomenon in order to fix it. Only 35 percent of couples stay together when adultery occurs…and it does not have to be that way. Getting rid of a person does not get rid of the problem,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, renowned relationship therapist and author of Adultery the Forgivable Sin and Make Up, Don’t Breakup.

Her theory biochemical craving for connection explains adultery as a method of self-medication due to a blood sugar and brain chemical imbalance. During times of loss, separation, or stress, these imbalances are amplified and, if not treated, cause behaviors like addiction and adultery for temporary relief. Dr. Bonnie asserts that with the appropriate psychotherapy, which includes her revolutionary “smart heart dialogue,” we can reverse and correct the imbalances driving this destructive, thrill-seeking behavior.

Check out Dr. Bonnie’s expertise highlighted on the Discovery Health Channel:

Sign up for Dr. Bonnie’s my Ed2Go course on adultery prevention: marriage and relationships: keys to success here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships

Best of Luck to the Broncos and the Panthers

Dr. Bonnie wishes the best of luck to both the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. She and her husband already have their Broncos Peyton Manning jerseys ready to go, and urges all couples to cuddle up, with that oxytocin, “cuddle” hormone while watching the Superbowl  together; couples who “play” together stay together, so Makeup Don’t Break Up (straight from the book of the same name).

Time to Tackle Your Relationship During Superbowl

tmp_8342-photo998636950Instead of allowing the final football game of the season to drive a wedge in a relationship, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil suggest couples use the superbowl to get close and cuddle with your partner to “touchdown” together using attachment skills. “Half time is the perfect time to re-connect sexually and make the game that much more interesting,” she advises.

Couples should keep in mind that sex is the best if there’s a positive all-around experience so be sure to cook or purchase favorite foods and snacks to have on hand during the game. “Many couples watch the game together,” notes Dr. Bonnie, “and this is the perfect time to add in sex during half time.” Endorphins are running high during football games, especially when favorite teams are playing – so Dr. Bonnie suggests putting those endorphins to good use. This heightened endorphin level encourages the sizzle and passion that comes with great sex.

Even for couples that won’t be watching the game together, it’s helpful to create a fun atmosphere. Often women are the ones who choose not to watch the game, and they may resent their husband’s decision to do so. Instead of letting football drive a wedge in the relationship, use it as an opportunity to create a positive experience for both people. Women not watching the game can encourage their husband to have a good time without them, with an understanding that there will be couple time later, or the wife will have some free time to spend doing something she enjoys. If a woman’s husband realizes that she’s stretching to be a football fan, he’s going to want to stretch for her in other areas.

In either case, the use the Superbowl to create a space where both people end up happy and fulfilled, instead of engaged in a power struggle.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a private practice NYC Psychotherapist. She counsels couples, singles, adults and children worldwide via telephone and/or on-site. She is the author of the Best Seller and Readers Choice Award winning book Make Up, Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD; as well as the book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, which was turned into the Lifetime movie Silence of Adultery. Dr. Bonnie appeared on the pilot that currently still airing on Discovery Health OWN titled “Unfaithful” and can be seen here http://youtu.be/BHk37fj-3Lk.
Dr. Bonnie Weil has launched her first Education 2 Go Course Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success. Read more and register here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships?tab=detail

 

 

Time to Remove Your Mask… Your Intimacy Mask!

That time of year again, ghosts, goblins and love! Yes that’s right, Dr. Bonnie says “it’s time to take off those masks, and take a chance at love. Don’t stop a relationship before it starts!”

For Halloween dress up, have fun and enjoy. “If you are not in a relationship go to a party with friends or family” says Dr. Bonnie. Upon meeting new people it’s important to use eye contact and smile or comment/compliment on a persons costume. Dr. Bonnie suggests “If you are in a relationship use costumesfor play and perhaps some “Shades of Gray” to add the spice and intimacy.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil counsels her patients how to remove their masks of intimacy and also how to get past the third date and not stop a relationship before it starts. For further information on starting and keeping your relationship new read Makeup Don’t Breakup with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love. Learn tips to healthy relationships and adding the sizzle to keep your love alive by participating in my course titled Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.)

Q&A with Dr. Bonnie Weil

Question: Dr. Bonnie, my husband and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 adorable children.  The issue is our sex life is obsolete these days. I feel like I’m providing a dissatisfaction to my husband as I have no interest in having sex.  He goes out sometimes and when he gets home, I will act like I’m sleeping as I don’t have any interest.  Will I ever be able to get these feelings back or is this a sign that maybe I should move on as we weren’t meant to be?
Answer: Thank you for contacting me.  I don’t believe it is the fact that you don’t make the time, but it’s that you don’t get excited anymore.  Sex needs to be thought of in an exciting way by adding novelty and excitement to your relationship, there should be no resentment.  Resentment tends to occur in long term relationships as the wife feels the husband does less around the house and with the kids.  You need to learn to compartmentalize any of those feelings.  Nobody wants to be in a relationship with boredom and resentment.  You and your partner need to learn to fight fair and not air resentment. If a couple does not learn to fight fair there is no passion as conflict creates passion.  The best sex is after a good fight! Don’t use sex as leverage as an orgasm is a gift you give yourself as well.  Fourplay is also important, no matter the years of history you have together.  It is important to keep kissing for the oxytocin hormone, hugging for the dopamine hormone.  If it has been a while since making love, the brain also needs to be retrained.  Frequency of romantic encounters with your partner are a must, so the brain is still in tune.

Kardashian Divorce: Dr. Bonnie Advises Ways to Deal with Conflict and Stay Together

The latest news to come from the Kardashian camp is that Kim is conflicted about her recent divorce filing and has flown to Minnesota to see her husband Kris Humphries. “The fact that she’s having second thoughts is a good sign,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. “I believe just about any marriage can be saved if the couple is willing to put in the work and it seems like there might be hope for Kim.”

 The conflict first arose after the couple had only been married for a short 72 days, apparently over a difference of opinion on where to live. Dr. Bonnie says this is evidence the couple has already left the honeymoon phase and is now moving to the power struggle phase, where they must learn to address each other on different terms. Kim wanted to settle near hear family in California, while Kris hoped to set up home base in Minnesota. “Although these are things the couple should have worked out prior to marriage, all is not lost due to this apparent impasse,” encourages Dr. Bonnie.

Although it’s disconcerting that, facing a disagreement, Kim’s fist reaction was to throw in the towel, her trip to Minnesota suggests she’s realizing dissolving a marriage shouldn’t be that simple. “Kim needs to learn how to deal with conflict in their relationship or, even if they work this issue out, there will be others that might send her running again,” Dr. Bonnie cautions, and suggests a few things to give the couple staying power.

Smart Heart Dialogue: The couple can use this as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate. It can be used for smaller, more inconsequential arguments as well. Dr. Bonnie encourages having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as the couple listens and echoes back what they each heard the other say.

Fight Fair: Fighting in a relationship doesn’t have to signal the end – but rather, it’s HOW the couple fights that makes all the difference. Fighting doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is on the rocks, in fact, couples who argue well are happier. Perhaps surprisingly, there’s also little distinction made about the so-called differences between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging – they’re all forms of expressing dissatisfaction with a situation or a person and learning how to convey these feelings, and how to respond to them, can make all the difference. 

Break up to make up or “brush with death”: It may be this initial divorce filing provided Kim with all the separation she needed, but Dr. Bonnie typically advises a temporary breakup as a way to help resolve certain issues, and create a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do.

New Life Only a Click Away

I recently saw a heart-breaking story in The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/fashion/in-a-divorce-the-clicks-of-a-mouse-modern-love.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1&ref=fashion&src=me from a woman whose husband had been having an affair with a woman he met online, unbeknown to her. Perhaps even more tragically, this story is not that uncommon. In fact there are a number of statistics that reveal how widespread this has become:

Internet users devote three hours per week to online sexual exploits (MSNBC.com)

  • -Statistics show more than 72,000 sexually explicit sites on the web and an estimated 266 new porn sites being added each day. These sites alone generate a revenue of $1 billion dollars each year.
    (Harding Institute)
  • One in 10 respondents said they are addicted to sex and the Internet
    (MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper)
     

It’s become overly simple to meet someone online for sex – in fact it’s more difficult to avoid these types of propositions than it is to take advantage of them, as the woman in the article found when, following her divorce, she did a little online sex research of her own:  

[After posting my ad] I refreshed my e-mail and a dozen more replies showed up. Within the hour I had more than 100. I was appalled but also flattered 

Needless to say, these types of encounters are easy to procure and appear much less high-risk than attempting to pick someone up in real life. However, the real life consequences are just as devastating. It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” of a sexual encounter instead. It could be the case that people looking for casual encounters via the internet are seeking out a way to mask the fact that they don’t want to deal with their emotions or don’t know how to engage in true intimacy. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. People who utilize the internet for these types of “relationships” are typically just in it for the high the feel in the moment without examining what’s making them seek that high.  

When one person in a couple suffers from this need for thrill-seeking behavior it’s imperative that the person communicate with their partner – and with themselves – as to what’s leading them into this pattern. As I suggest in the documentary, Unfaithful (featured on the OWN Network), it’s imperative to dig deeper than indulging a momentary desire and learn what feeds the need to act in such a way.  

In this sense, the course of action for dealing with this behavior is the same as if it weren’t fueled by technology. However the ever-presence of sex online has made this type of thrill-seeking much more accessible, and seem much less risky. This perception is just not true. Engaging in an affair – online, offline or otherwise – is fraught with risk and reveals relationship shortcomings that need to be talked out, not acted out. 

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of the 2010 NY Times Reader’s Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love counsels couples considering breaking up, people who have committed adultery, and couples who want to strengthen their relationships damaged by resentment or unresolved anger, teaching people to “fight” to increase passion, bring back magic and restore the sizzle. Dr. Bonnie teaches Smart Heart Dialogue along with communication and connection tools, and counsels families and children.
 
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson) Coming Nov 2011 as eBook, Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity.

Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a Discovery Health documentary titled “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.

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