Learning from Michael Jackson
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
With Michael Jackson’s passing recently, the world lost a great musician who contributed infinitely to our cultural and musical landscape – he touched so many different worlds from fashion to culture to music and beyond. But there’s no doubt that he lived rather tragically toward the end of his life. From a perspective of the outside looking in, there are a few things we can learn from him in the realm of relationships and finances (and a lot more in many other areas as well!):
What’s your “Imago”?
How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.
Engage in dialogue
I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.
Don’t give into financial infidelity
Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.
Your money gram
Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”
Avoid the “affair disease”
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Continuing the trend of politicians caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Closely on the heels of Sanford’s news came the revelation that Senator John Ensign was also admitting infidelity. Politician cheating is nothing new, and I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that politicians have a higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis. Psychologically, they’re more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.”
Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse his actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.
This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of tress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.
What can we learn from Sanford (and others like him)?
1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.
For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a
preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals
around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have
sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle
all over again.
2). It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.
Sanford’s wife stated that she was aware of the affair and the couple was undergoing a trial separation as a way to SAVE their marriage (I call this the “brush with death” and it can be quite effective if both people are on the same page, although in this situation that doesn’t appear to be the case.)
3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.
It’s likely that Sanford subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.
Angry Spending: The Next Wave
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Are American consumers so angry they are spending recklessly, disregarding their budget or agreement with their spouse? Last week, I mentioned a study which stated that almost 80% of women are inclined to spend themselves out of misery and would go on a spending spree to cheer up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotional regulator. Ironically this means that worrying about money can lead to spending more, which doesn’t bode well for many people who have had to cut back due to the recession.
In regards to these patterns that are emerging out of our national – and personal! – financial crisis, I coined a new phrase: “Pent up Purchase!” This is similar to a phenomenon I’ve been studying in my practice for years – what I call a “POP shot,” or a “pissed off purchase.” These types of spending obviously aren’t healthy and when we participate in them, we’re playing off of part of the grieving process. Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Our addiction to spending to get that “high” is a common response to spur dopamine production (feel good hormones). Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing is a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.
This leads to what I call the “money mistress” which can then give way to financial infidelity. This can be every bit as destructive and painful and a sexual affair (in fact, sometimes the two are intertwined!). A “pissed off purchase,” “money mistress” and “financial infidelity” all occur when you engage in reckless spending – whether that be spending over budget, spending behind your partner’s back, or spending as a way to avoid grief and as a type of self-medication.
I’m not trying to be alarmist and draw the conclusion that buying a pair of shoes to make yourself feel better is only one step away from financial infidelity. I’m merely suggesting that the two can lead to each other, and in a climate where everyone is over-stressed, over-worried and more on-edge than normal, these types of behaviors can heighten the likelihood that you will engage in more destructive patterns.
There’s no denying relationships are stressed right now, and just as we must be more financially vigilant and dedicated on a personal level, so we must be with our significant other. And it’s not just about money. Take some time to de-stress, relationally by spending time with each other in an attempt to take the pressure off of the worry that may be encroaching on your financial life.
It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle!
When should you talk about money?
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Finances and budgets can be touchy subjects, so it may seem completely counter-intuitive to discuss money-related issues early on in a relationship, but this is exactly when it needs to happen. I’m not suggesting you ask for a breakdown of the other person’s assets or that you inquire as to how much they make. And I’m not setting forth the idea that you lead your first date with questions about finances, bills, debt, etc. You need somewhat of a foundation to a relationship before you start discussing some of these tougher subjects.
In some ways, this financial discussion has gotten a bit easier as we as a society have become somewhat more comfortable talking about money overall. More people talk about how much their rent or mortgage payments are. More people discuss bonuses at work, the great travel deals they got, or how much they paid to repair their car. It’s not taboo anymore and this is good news for introducing these topics into a relationship. You might be able to learn quite a bit about your significant others financial situation just through the routine of normal conversation. Certain topics aren’t considered prying, and don’t feel like you’re being nosy – finding out some basic details about your potential partner’s financial situation should be as important as finding out if you’re emotionally compatible (I discuss both these types of compatibility in my book, Financial Infidelity).
So, back to the “when” question. There’s no point in delineating the finer points of finances if there’s no future to the relationship. It usually takes some time to figure this out, so I can’t answer the question of exactly when for you. I can say that there comes a point when you’re conformable enough with each other to talk about more difficult subjects. But don’t use your comfortability as an excuse to put it off. You only need to figure out basics in the beginning, and you likely won’t be completely at ease as money can still have somewhat of a stigma attached to it. Here are some guidelines for generalities you should know early on in the relationship:
* Ask questions about how money has been used in their family: worries, abandonment, shame, blame around money.
* Asking questions like this will eliminate any problems or irreconcilable differences, and is a way to see who is flexible and who is not, in reference to money and power, and struggles over money.
* Do a budget for yourself (if you don’t already have one) to help answer some of these questions for yourself.
As you move forward in your relationship, have money talks weekly to minimize financial infidelity.
Watch out for “pent up purchases!”
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
We’re all a little pent up. Even if the recession hasn’t affected us financially (although, odds are it has, in some way!), it’s likely all we’re hearing about, even as some commentators suggest we’re finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. So it’s no wonder we’d want to do something to make ourselves feel a little bit better about this predicament that just seems to be wearing on and on. It’s justifiable, right?
Well, yes and no! When the answer to the “how do I make myself feel better” question is “go shopping,” we’ve likely got a problem.
Last week, I mentioned a study which stated that almost 80% of women are inclined to spend themselves out of misery and would go on a spending spree to cheer up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotional regulator – which doesn’t bode well for many people who have had to cut back due to the recession.
In regards to these patterns that are emerging out of our national – and personal! – financial crisis, I coined a new phrase: “Pent up Purchase!” This is similar to a phenomenon I’ve been studying in my practice for years – what I call a “POP shot,” or a “pissed off purchase.” These types of spending play off of part of the grieving process. Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing – and the penny pinching many are experiencing – is actually a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.
These problems can lead to what I call the “money mistress” which can then give way to financial infidelity. A “pissed off purchase,” “money mistress” and “financial infidelity” all occur when you engage in reckless spending – whether that be spending over budget, spending behind your partner’s back, or spending as a way to avoid grief and as a type of self-medication.
I’m not trying to be alarmist and draw the conclusion that buying a pair of shoes to make yourself feel better is only one step away from financial infidelity. I’m merely suggesting that the two can lead to each other, and in a climate where everyone is over-stressed, over-worried and more on-edge than normal, these types of behaviors can heighten the likelihood that you will engage in more destructive patterns.
It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress = more tendency to spend = more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle!