Question: Dr. Bonnie, my husband and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 adorable children. The issue is our sex life is obsolete these days. I feel like I’m providing a dissatisfaction to my husband as I have no interest in having sex. He goes out sometimes when he gets home, I will act like I’m sleeping as I don’t have any interest. Will I ever be able to get these feelings back or is this a sign that maybe I should move on as we weren’t meant to be?
Answer: Thank you for contacting me. I don’t believe it is the fact that you don’t make the time, but it’s that you don’t get excited anymore. Sex needs to be thought of in an exciting way by adding novelty and excitement to your relationship, there should be no resentment. Resentment tends to occur in long term relationships as the wife feels the husband does less around the house and with the kids. You need to learn to compartmentalize any of those feelings. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with boredom and resentment. You and your partner need to learn to fight fair and not air resentment. If a couple does not learn to fight fair there is no passion as conflict creates passion. The best sex is after a good fight! Don’t use sex as leverage as an orgasm is a gift you give yourself as well. Fourplay is also important, no matter the years of history you have together. It is important to keep kissing for the oxytocin hormone, hugging for the dopamine hormone. If it has been a while since making love, the brain also needs to be retrained. Frequency of romantic encounters with your partner are a must, so the brain is still in tune.