Adultery – Relationships At Risk: Shake Up To Wake Up

Relationships are a source of so much fulfillment, and often they cause pain and sorrow, but it does not have to be that way. Adultery: the unforgivable sin, as many call it, is forgivable, curable, and treatable as I see it as a disease.

98% of the couples I talk to who experience adultery make up and stay together using my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues. If they can do it, you can do it too!  My theory is very different than that of mainstream thinking; I believe it is an inherited emotional, physiological behavior pattern. As Peter Ustinov stated, “love is an act of endless forgiveness.”  I say forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

My professional experience and that of my parent’s experiences shows that most marriages can be saved and even prosper after the betrayal, if the couple is willing to do the work necessary to recognize what contributed to the affair in the first place. Couples usually communicate more than they ever have after an affair. The betrayal becomes the catalyst to get to the intimacy and the love underneath.

An affair is a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize your relationship.  Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce and adultery than in first marriages, so it’s worth trying to work it out before you walk away.

38% of people have engaged in online sexual conversation, and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online. 1/3 of divorce litigation is from online affairs.  I recently read, there is an adultery epidemic, 45 to 50% of married women and 50 to 60% of men commit adultery at some point in their relationship.

I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally by balancing their stressed brain chemicals through psychotherapy,  medical workup, and treatment, in a team approach working as I do with an MD doing testing on people who are thrill seekers.

For my three part theory on adultery being a disease and more  Smartheart Skills and Dialogues to save a marriage, since I believe most marriages can be saved after an affair, read Makeup Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.

An affair is a cry for help; it shakes you to wake you.  After an affair couples start communicating and working on their symptoms which are part of a bigger problem.  Both people take responsibility for their part in the affair occurring as a way to deal or not deal with that bigger problem.


“I am lonely, and I don’t want to stray. I need love, nurturing, and attention. I want you, not someone else. Please help me to stay faithful.” Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Part Five –  Relationships At Risk:  Shake Up To Wake Up

It is necessary to learn what to do if you suspect or want to forgive adultery, or if you have committed it yourself. Remember, the best affair is the one you can have with your own partner!

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Love and Relationship Expert

Have a problem with your relationship? Apply for a Free 30-minute Ideal Relationship breakthrough sessions with me to help you get the passion and sizzle to restore the magic in your relationship or marriage.  Apply today!

Reacting Under Pressure: Oscars Edition

I don’t know about you, but I’m still reeling from Sunday’s Oscars twist ending. I’ve never seen anything like it–on Hollywood’s biggest night no less.

It was clear that Warren Beatty knew that something was wrong when he looked at that envelope, so what can we learn from what Beatty did? What should regular folks do when in a pressure situation? Despite pressure, if you think something is wrong, what should you do?

It’s ok to question something even if you’re under pressure! Stop, pause, announce problem and ask for help, trust your own instincts, you can make a mistake and admit it. Immediately ask for help if something does not seem right! Trust your first instinct and announce it, so it does not look like your mistake. This is particularly hard for men to do. Don’t second guess yourself, which is why he asked Faye for her opinion in roundabout way. Immediately say: I need to pause here to double check the envelope.

Beware Pre Valentine’s Day: February 13th is Mistress Day says Dr. Bonnie

Consider this a heads up to wives: beware of February 13th. Pre Valentine’s Day is Mistress Day, says marriage and relationship therapist, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

You may be looking forward to a romantic, special Valentine’s Day, but your husband may be keeping someone else out late the night before. According to AOL reports, February 13th is possibly busier than February 14th for florists, restaurant reservations, and lingerie stores because men, especially those with the Madonna-mistress complex, are wining and dining their mistresses.

The mistress feels like the second fiddle being honored on the 13th, so often the husband over corrects to alleviate the guilt of “sloppy seconds.” He might buy lavish and romantic presents for her like diamonds and jewelry, while the wife gets a more “practical” gift like a blender or vacuum cleaner. According to research done by Ashley Madison, a website created for “discreet encounters,” cheating husbands are likely to spend over 2 times the amount of money on their mistresses compared to gifts for their wives. Dr. Bonnie says this is to pacify the mistresses who are relegated to “leftover time,” as most of his time is spent at work or with family. The husband uses gifts to make up for her lack of status.

Dr. Bonnie wants you to heed the warning signs of Mistress Day. Pay attention if you’re noticing late nights on February 13th, vagueness about his whereabouts, or a distant and distracted partner. The husband may even be taking his wife out to the exact same restaurant for Valentine’s Day as he did his mistress the night before. Same maitre d, same waiter, same food, different woman! Dr. Bonnie explains the Madonna Mistress complex, as found in Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, as a symptom of men “splitting” their wives in half emotionally. The wife is the madonna–she is put on a pedestal as mother and caretaker of him and his children. The mistress fulfills his need for thrill seeking, mystery, novelty. She is used for excitement and physical desires. Men with this complex might forget romantic touches like a card, chocolates, or flowers, but will fulfill their perfunctory duty by taking their partners out to dinner. He might have to be reminded about the holiday or the wife may have to make the dinner reservation. Some other warning signs of the madonna-mistress complex include a partner’s physical rejection, even when the other is wearing lingerie or “spicing things up,” rejecting date night, or provoking arguments when wife is playful or flirty. He comes late into marital bed nightly after wife asleep, “jumps “out of bed before wife awakes to go to the gym, makes sure he is not alone with wife, brings family along always, is “tired” for face to face, or is a workaholic. Maybe, conversations revolve around work or children only. If these warning signs are familiar, seek out counseling as the relationship is ripe for an affair. Adultery can be prevented, treated, and forgiven if it is caught early, and the adulterer stops the behavior and shows remorse. Dr. Bonnie advocates having an affair with your own partner to avoid what she calls the “Biochemical Craving for Connection” with a mistress (as demonstrated in Oprah and Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful“).

She recommends using SmartHeart skills from “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” to prevent adultery and become a mistress instead of only a madonna.

It is important to go out with your husband. Make no excuses. Dress up and don’t talk about problems, kids, or money. Use the time to connect and court intimacy.

Do not drink alcohol during a rough patch. It is a depressant and makes you more confrontational and aggressive when talking about your problems with each other.

Sometimes, make sure to be more of a mistress than a caretaker. Don’t give unwanted advice.

Recreate those same brain chemicals you had when you first fell in love, back when you were in the honeymoon stage. A simple 20-second hug will rejuvenate dopamine and leave you with a fully alive, happy feeling. A 30-second kiss produces oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” making partners feel bonded and safe with each other. Keep falling in love with your own partner by having an affair with your own partner.

For more information on SmartHeart skills and the madonna in marriage, enroll in Dr. Bonnies online education to-go course, Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success. Check out her book, winner of NYTimes Reader’s Choice Award, “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples” for more magic in marriage.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists and US Commerce association. Manhattan best therapist. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.

Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at

When the Chill Sets In, Turn Up the Heat

As another cold front passes through the Northeast, couples should use it as an excuse to make some long-lasting winter memories. Not being able to get to scheduled appointments – like work, school, meetings, etc – can be stressful. Instead of getting stressed, use the mandatory down-time to rekindle a spark with their significant other. It can be important to refocus this downtime and feel like it’s being put to good use. Here are a few of the things I recommend to have a winter affair with your own partner:

Mix up a hot drink and then cozy up with each other. Whether it’s hot chocolate or hot toddy, getting warm together doesn’t HAVE to involve sex! Start out with something simple like a drink to warm up and snuggle up together by reading a book, playing a game, or beginning a project.

Let it lead to sex. Studies show that during big storms people usually make love, make babies or fight. Starting by reconnecting with something simple (a book, a game, etc.), can lead to a more intimate conclusion. Make the most of your time indoors, since there’s nowhere else to go, even if you wanted to. Instead of letting obligations cause stress, let go of responsibilities by having an affair with your own partner. I mention this technique in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, where I give couples tools for rekindling romance.

Get outside. That’s right ~ it may be cold but when people don’t have anywhere to be, why not relive the excitement that snow days brought as a kid? These types of opportunities often bring out our inner child, so go with it, get playful and see where it leads. Couples may learn something new about each other, discover something new they can do together (who doesn’t love making snowmen?), and if nothing else, have a good time goofing around together. Recreate the chemicals you experienced when you first fell in love. Take this opportunity to give a 30 second kiss and/or 20 second hug to reconnect and fall back in love.

How Indulging in Cake Could Lead to More this Holiday Season

Adultery is up in epidemic proportions during the holidays because love making has no calories – and everyone is tempted to indulge. Throughout the holiday season, indulging in things like chocolate cake at midnight becomes the norm. That indulgence is stress-busting and self-medicating and these indulgent behaviors can lead to adultery. Sugar highs can result in addictive behavior, releasing what I call “a biochemical craving for connection.” The biochemical craving for connection, which has to do with stress, loss, and separation translate into thrill-seeking, self-medicating and stress-busting addictive behavior. It is similar to the rush that is obtained through drinking alcohol, committing adultery, and financial infidelity – shopping ‘til you drop.

The consumption of sugar in the United States has climbed dramatically every single year, with a steady climb upwards since 1980 according to the U.S.D.A. Additionally, Stephan Guyenet and research partner Jeremy Landen calculated that with over sixty pounds of sweeteners being consumed on average each year per person, the resulting diet of an average American by the year 2606 will be comprised of 100% sugar. Eating too much fructose and glucose can turn off the gene that regulates the levels of active testosterone and estrogen in the body. Sugar, which will turn off that gene, will impede you having an affair your own partner. Instead, you will turn to thrill-seeking with forbidden fruit (not your own partner). Those two statistics combined do not fare well for the intimacy of Americans in the future. Reducing or avoiding all sugar during the holidays is challenging, but may be necessary – especially if you’re prone to temptation.

For more about Dr. Bonnie’s theory on the Biochemical Craving for Connection, watch: and read her book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up

Holiday Proof Your Marriage

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Make Up Don’t Break Up, warns couples that they must “holiday proof” their marriage and family in these economically challenging times. The tips she provides in this release can save your family from being the next peril of divorce.

“Holiday stress coupled with money anxiety is a set up for marital problems,” warns Dr. Bonnie. There is a direct correlation between stress and behavior that can be detrimental to relationships. From drinking too much, over eating, lack of sleep, and a myriad of other stress related behaviors a marriage on the brink can suffer irreparable damage.

Dr. Bonnie suggests that couples engage in activities that counteract the stresses many couples are sure to experience this holiday season. “Kiss more, hold more, and look for activities that create playful fun that aren’t costly.” Dr. Bonnie also recommends that couples tell the truth to their extended friends, family and children about their economic situation. “Don’t write checks you don’t have money for. Send a card with a loving sentiment instead of gifts. Friends and family will understand, and are most likely in similar economic situations.”

Another stress to marriages is unhappy kids who act out. Parents must also realize that their children feel stress, and busy parents miss the cues. “According to a 2009 study, (, teens and tweens were more likely than parents to say that their stress had increased in the last year. Nearly half of the teens surveyed ages 13-17 said that they worried more this year, but only 28 percent of parents think their teen’s stress increased, and while a quarter of tweens ages 8-12 said they worried more this year, only 17 percent of parents believed their tween’s stress had increased. “This has two implications. Children are more stressed than ever, and parents aren’t aware,” explains Dr. Bonnie

Dr. Bonnie recommends that parents have healthy and honest discussions with their children about their fears and concerns, and teach appropriate behaviors to relieve stress, like playing ball instead of video games. Physical activity releases stress, while sitting exacerbates it.

Make Up Don’t Break Up offers communication tips, and assists couples develop skills to stay together when faced with adversity and the stressors of daily life.

Tips to Avoid Holiday Party Affair Season!

It’s not something you often hear amidst the holiday cheer, but it is important to be aware and beware during the holiday season. Many affairs begin at office parties. Alcohol releases inhibitions which can perpetuate any sexual chemistry and tension that may already exist between coworkers. Office parties put married employees in harm’s way. Perhaps it is that woman in accounting or that man who works in IT that peaks your interest at the workplace. As the holiday season approaches, the most innocent of office parties can turn into a long list of bad decisions for those who are married. Over 90% of men and women fantasize about a coworker and attending the holiday party becomes a catalyst for extramarital affairs. If you are lonely and attracted to someone in the office, tell your partner that you need more personal attention and that you are starting to develop feelings for a coworker because you miss spending time with them.

It is not an easy task to steer clear of these parties without looking suspicious, so I’ve put together “Do’s and Don’ts” on how to get through the seasonal parties without ruining your marriage. These steps are guaranteed ways to hold the line amid temptation at office parties.

DO Bring your partner! Especially if you find someone in the office attractive, bring your partner to the party. Having that mutual support nearby will assist you with fighting those wandering thoughts and urges. If your partner cannot attend, it is important that you talk about your plans especially around the coworker that you find attractive. Discuss what you will do as a couple or speak about family traditions in order to jog your memory of how significant your marriage is to you throughout the event.

DO Go early to the party – Leave early – Go home alone. If your partner cannot attend the party, this simple mantra will ensure an easy escape from temptation. Typically these parties include alcohol and its effects lower inhibitions which can lead to disastrous decision making. Be sure to arrive early and leave earlier as most parties tend to become uproarious as the day rolls into night once the libations are dispersed. Staying 20 – 30 minutes to show your support for the company’s party is enough time to mingle with coworkers. Most importantly, no matter if the accountant’s car will not start or the IT guy just cannot seem to find his keys, go home alone!
DO Think of your partner three times a day in a positive light during the work hours. Picture the coworker you fantasize ten pounds heavier and ten years older.

DON’T Drink. The mistletoe, alcohol and romance of the season appears to give consent to lose control at office parties and can result in igniting illicit passion. It may not be the “cool thing to do” but it can certainly save you from a world of problems. Enjoy seasonal drinks like egg nog and virgin cocktails. Non-alcoholic beer is also an option, it is socially acceptable, tastes better than ever before and most locations even offer a variety to choose from.

DON’T Dance the Lambada. Avoid dancing too closely with coworkers and keep appropriate space in general while socializing. Do not forget that this is an office party and those human resources rules still apply. A sexual harassment claim filed against you is not how you will want to ring in the New Year at the office.

DON’T Flirt. Flirting during the holiday season can lead to other activities rather quickly – especially under the influence of alcohol. Remain professional, avoid racy jokes, watch your body language and definitely do not meet ANYONE under the mistletoe.

This season can bring forth reminiscent feelings which can spark anxious thoughts and even depression leaving you vulnerable to make terrible decisions. Hold the line against temptation and do not mix business with pleasure at office parties. Be sure you and your partner create sizzle together before and after a holiday party this season — have an affair with your own partner and turn up the heat!!

For more information on how to hold that line and temptation at office parties, be sure to check out Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil’s, Adultery: the Forgivable Sin, made into a Lifetime movie starring Kate Jackson; Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery; and also, Make Up, Don’t Break Up – including the downloadable video Falling in Love and Staying in Love.

Today is Giving Tuesday!

Today is Giving Tuesday!
So how can you give? also by receiving! In order to love you have to be able to RECEIVE the “giving” from your partner whether emotionally or even a surprise. Many givers have trouble receiving. I like to give this exercise today on Giving Tuesday: surprise your partner with a gift–like a book or a thoughtful knick knack and practice how it feels to give and receive. There is a dopamine rush when we give, called the “helper’s high.” My father described that when he gave and instilled in me the peace we feel when we give, which is why I became a therapist! Take today to give, do something like say hi or smile to a child or elderly person you see, or help an elderly person cross the street. Give to your loved one and remember work on feeling more comfortable receiving. My book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and online education to-go course, Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success:…/marriage-and-relationships describes this rush. Sometimes, the dopamine rush we seek out , exhibits itself in a dysfunctional way. Giving will give you same rush some people get from adultery or financial infidelity. Tis the season to give , but make sure to give and receive all year round!!

Beware of Financial Infidelity During the Holiday Season!

With Black Friday and Cyber Monday coming to a close, beware of the financial infidelity that can come along with increased opportunities to shop. Whether as a way to keep track of wish lists for a certain store that then make shopping in-person easier with shorter lines; or buying the items directly from mobile sites, more people will be wired in to their devices. This can increase instances of financial infidelity – and make it easier – during an already high-risk time.

I coined Financial Infidelity to describe the financial betrayal that can happen when one or both partners spend money behind the other’s back. It’s a form of infidelity that’s so subtle, people often don’t realize they’re cheating – and it is especially high during the holidays. This is partly due to increased pressure to spend, thanks to days like Black Friday, as well as the desire to find the perfect gift in order to please people. Financial Infidelity is higher around the holidays because there are so many temptations to spend, but if families and couples can go into this season with a game plan for saving money, then everyone wins!
Shopping, whether in person, online, or via a mobile device, and saving money is often like a game. When people get a good deal they feel like they’re winning, and often they are! It’s profitable for people to get great deals on items they would regularly buy at their normal price. Shopping this way during the holiday season can prove to be cost effective. But, as with everything, it should be practiced in moderation, lest it be used as a compulsive way to fill a void.

Utilizing technology to be more efficient and get good deals are great alternatives to other forms of thrill-seeking that tend to emerge around the holidays. However, people need to be careful of the additional pitfalls: People often “shop till they drop” (instead of just shopping for what they need), or turn to cheating to get an unhealthy high. Additionally, mobile shopping can be utilized as a way to hide purchases from significant others, whether it’s an overly extravagant purchase for yourself, or even for a mistress. The dark side of the holiday season is that inhibitions tend to be down, stress levels are up, and people suffering from stress, separation and loss are looking to fill a void. Instead of indulging these feelings, go for healthy highs that have a positive influence.

For more on infidelity – financial and otherwise – check out my book, “Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker”, or “Make Up Don’t Break Up” with a free video download, “Falling in Love and Staying in Love.”

Recognizing Cheating Over the Holiday Weekend

The 4th of July should be a time for family, food, and good friends. But wives might find their partner distracted if he’s engaged in or contemplating an affair. Look at the cheater that is trying to pull one over on all parties involved: “The guy who takes his wedding ring off and goes ‘on the hunt’ is especially troublesome, like the “indie cheater;” that’s one of the most sneaky and narcissistic things he could do because he is lying to not only his wife but his potential mistress.” Fortunately, since the summer months have arrived, a ring-finger suntan will be a tell-tale sign that this type of cheater should be wearing a wedding ring.
Aside from sneaking around during time that should be spent with family, “indie cheaters” are a particularly troubling kind of narcissist because they’re out to hurt so many people. It’s imperative that people know when they’re dealing with a narcissist, and how to handle the situation.
Narcissism is a type of bullying, and leaves everyone betrayed. Usually someone who engages in this type of behavior devalues others and may even be trying to hurt their partner. “It’s a drastic form of bullying,” she says.
To nip narcissism in the bud, look out for these warning signs this holiday – or any time:
Do they turn the activities or conversations back to themselves?
Do they feel entitled?
Do they shut down and ignore other people?
This behavior comes from the Biochemical Craving for Connection, which I discuss in my book “Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery.” It pushes people toward a thrill-seeking high to make up for stress, loss, and separation they feel in their lives. Partners dealing with a narcissist should engage in my Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue – “Learn the right questions to ask so this person begins to tell the truth, and begins to see their behavior for what it is.”
And as for the potential mistress, take a look at his ring finger. If there’s a suntan line, chances are he’s married and trying to pull the wool over the eyes of both his wife AND you by lying and saying he’s unmarried.
For more tips from on how to handle a narcissist, click here: , or check out my book “Make Up Don’t Break Up.”

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