Home for the holiday relationship tips

Home for the holidays! It’s the most wonderful time of the year when so many of us are home for holidays and want to share some quick relationship tips to make this a fun and romantic holiday.

From my book – Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples

Tip #1 – Revitalize Fun

  • Go ice skating/ roller skating together
  • Take dance lesson or attend a mambo class together
  • Dine out or have dinner at home by the fire
  • Go out to a concert and make sure to hold hands
  • Dunk strawberries in chocolate fondue

Tip #2 – Taking a relationships temperature

  • To take the relationships temperature during the holiday season, ask your partner if he or she loves the way they want to be loved.

Ask yourself, if you are loving your partner the way he or she wants to be loved.

Are you using coaching as a gift to help you shift gears and reach the next stage of love?

Are you acknowledging your partner every day?

Are you spending enough time together? Time means quiet, sitting and not talking but picking out things you both enjoy or want to learn and do together.

Are you helping each other to reconnect?

Are you disconnecting in the morning and lovingly reconnecting a night?

Are you sharing meals together?

Are you going to bed at the same time at night?

* You should be allowing at least 10 minutes a day in terms of communicating.

 

From my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin  – How we get to forgiveness

Tip #3 – Store up surprises

  • Keep your list secret
  • Tuck some home-baked cookies into his briefcase
  • Take your partner on a date at the spur of the moment
  • Don’t criticize the choice that your partner makes
  • Don’t say I don’t need that

Tip #4 – Restore sizzle 

  • Take a bubble bath by candlelight
  • Dress up in costumes
  • Kiss in the back seat of your car
  • Go to a motel room for the evening

Tip #5 – Schedule fireside chats 

  • Make an appointment for the chat
  • Cradle each and other and talk about what you love about each other. Talk about any problems or fears that you may have too. I suggest couples do this one exercise daily, weekly, and monthly.

It’s perfect for forgiveness during the holidays.

Remember forgiveness is a gift to give yourself that is wonderful. So schedule a fireside chat with your partner during this holiday.

Bonus Tip:

#6 – New Year relationship maintenance warranty

  • Loving each other doesn’t mean saying whatever you want without considering the other person’s feeling.
  • Practice thinking about your words before you say them and cushion them.
  • Honesty can be cruelty.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D
Love and Relationship Expert

Seasons Cheating

Sex has no calories, but sugar brings out cheating.

Most affairs start at holiday parties so BEWARE!

Tips on how to hold that line. How not to be tempted. If you or your partner is tempted

The do’s and don’ts

Check out my cheating predictor cheat sheet to see if you or your partner is ripe for an affair and temptation.

Want to have an affair with your OWN partner? Start by bringing him or her to that office party!!

Adulterers and sexual harassers like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, among others are people who act out through sexual deviation.

It’s important to note that they are even more triggered under the influence of alcohol. The reason being is that alcohol and other food or drinks high in sugar and addiction of all kinds, especially adultery are related!

Let me explain, stress, loss, or separation (we see this with politicians, Hollywood figures, corporate executives, etc.) creates a “fight or flight” behavioral reaction and most people turn to sugar or alcohol as they thrill seek to calm them and their anxiety down.

They then self-medicate from thrill-seeking and dangerous behavior which temporarily relives their stress and blood sugar fluctuation from the stress to create a “high.”

This causes “acting” out behavior or poor impulse control and a form of the obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) which Dr. Bonnie believes can be treated, controlled and even cured with a special diet free of sugar; taking supplements to create clarity and good judgment to minimize the OCD and control impulses; and special exercise to create the “high” from the endorphin rush.

The high from the endorphin rush is a similar rush the sexual harasser experiences with thrill-seeking and dangerous behavior. My opinion is treatment centers alone do not suffice, as the diet change, exercise and supplements are not part of the treatment. If people take the supplements described and stick to the special low sugar diet and psychotherapy if followed, they can be treated and even cured.

To avoid seasons cheating, it’s important to keep this in mind that during this season, starting now until after the New Year. There are high expectations for fun combined with job and family stress which leads to high emotions and correspondingly low inhibitions.

If you are a partygoer, you may be just as tempted to indulge in extramarital sex, as you are to pig out on fattening food.

It’s important to realize that “emptiness” is at its peak during the holidays. Why? Nostalgia and yearning from warm memories from the innocence of childhood make us vulnerable to temptation.

Remember, monogamy is a conscious choice, and you cannot make that choice when vulnerable.

People are looking to reclaim a lost utopia during the holidays for unmet needs and frustrations and hurt from either their childhood or being in or out of a relationship.

Adultery becomes a natural painkiller during times of stress and blood fluctuations from stress helps to create a thrill-seeking “cocktail.” Adding sugar or alcohol fuels the “thrill seeking” behavior where there is no clarity of judgment to hold that line (where monogamy and “proper” behavior would be a choice.)

A lot of the sexual harassers in the news over the past two months are examples of this.

It’s time we stop shaming and blaming as we did with alcoholism and not only treat this as a disease but see as it a disease. The OCD, the lack of clarity, and judgment, along with poor impulse control can be changed with the protocol I outlined.

We are now seeing a shift where women are speaking out because they realize that by doing so, they are no longer enabling the behavior. This, however, is not enough. This behavior needs to be seen as a disease that needs treatment rather than shame and judgment, or it will rear its ugly head over and over again.

If we want the harassment to stop, we need to TREAT the problem and not judge those who have the problem.

We are now seeing a flood of people who have experienced harassment, both men, and women. This is a wake-up call for all of us.

Doesn’t this tell us something if so many people in our society are experiencing this type of treatment and staying quiet about it? It’s important not to make light of the situation at hand, but this disease is just as prevalent, in my opinion, its a HEALTH issue like alcoholism, obesity, and diabetes. It’s good that this disease is finally getting the attention that it needs, although in a negative light. We still don’t have the UNDERSTANDING that this is a disease that I call the biochemical craving for connection.

Its time we stop blaming and shaming and get these thrill seekers the help they need instead of firing them.

As we are now seeing this is an epidemic. And just like obesity, diabetes and alcohol go together, adultery/sexual harassment and sugar also go together.

So many innocent men and women are affected by harassment, and since there is NO recourse in place when they do speak out its time we do something about this!

We need to TREAT this problem and not just JUDGE those with the problem.

From my practice and from my experience from childhood with my father who was an adulterer and cured his problem. With his help, I found that there is a link between, sugar, diet, stress and adultery/harassment. It is hard for all of us to see because adultery/sexual harassment is so hurtful to so many people. We are so turned off and put off by this behavior that it is hard to see as a DISEASE.

This is a societal EPIDEMIC that needs to stop NOW!

Step 1 is to speak out.
Step 2 is to STOP IT!
Step 3 is to treat it and not judge it.

Firing people is just putting a band-aid over the cut with cleaning it out.

Again, I refer to this disease as the biochemical craving for connection.

The time is NOW to fix this, my father did and so can any adulterer/sexual harasser who follows the protocol I referred to earlier.

We want to help you prevent cheating in your relationship this holiday season, get our FREE online resource!

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert known as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists.  US Commerce Association voted Dr. Bonnie Best Therapist 2011-2017.

Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and CouplesCan We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.

How to avoid arguments with your man this Holiday…

With the 4th of July holiday coming up, there are a lot of family barbecue’s going on this weekend.  Unfortunately, a lot of fighting also happens during this weekend, having to do with doing the barbecue!  This weekend should be fun but very often the kind of fireworks you want, you don’t always get. 🙁  Here are some tips to a Happy July Fourth!

Over the years my male patients have told me, how they don’t always have fun during this weekend.  This is in part because men do not like to be told what to do, which leads to one of the big reasons they don’t SEEM to listen or can seem to be resistant to your requests.  Often times they will say yes, to have peace at any price, when they mean no… which can cause the wrong kind of fireworks later!

Here are some of my simple Smartheart skills and dialogue do’s and don’ts that you may want to try. My husband Jeff helped me develop these smart heart skills, so they are tried and true by a man and work like magic!

Here are the don’ts

  • Don’t mind read – ask him what he needs
  • Don’t assume – just because he’s been doing it that he likes doing it.
  • Don’t criticize –  you want to compliment and thank him instead.

Here are the Do’s

  • Do make this weekend more about him if your partner is in charge of barbecuing, show him appreciation and no criticizing the burgers!
  • Do give your partner a choice.  When you talk about the barbecue this weekend use the word “How.”  Ask him “How do you feel about doing the barbecuing? Not “I would like you to” or “can you.” Or worse, You ARE doing the barbecue this weekend.

As a society, we tend to associate barbecue as something that is done by men. However, when I took a poll of my patients over the years, most do not like to barbecue.  The ones that did are the ones who love to cook.  Some men love to cook, and others love to be nurtured and have others do the cooking.  Most of the men in this poll that did not like barbecuing felt they were supposed to like it.

The reason for not liking it for some of my patients is simply because they don’t like being over the hot coals.  One patient said, “I can’t mingle or meet and greet with my guest, friends, and family because I’m stuck over the hot coals.”  He found it difficult to communicate this to his wife, fearing that she might get upset with him and think he was being selfish, causing a fight.

So, I recommend you give your man a choice and if possible have others help him out. That could be you, a family member or even guests. Some guests love to help out if you offer for them to get involved. This allows your partner to enjoy the party, while also getting the opportunity to spend time with you and your guests!

Remember to always give him a choice.  Maybe you’re partner would like to cater this year instead of being the one doing the cooking.  Be sure to give him that option, because this allows him to relax and have time to enjoy himself with everyone and with you.

Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that our partner is our priority and number one, and not your guests.  So give him a hug, a kiss, check to see if he needs a break, a drink or some help.  Very often the person doing the barbecuing, may need something to eat, because they are so busy cooking they’re not eating.

Using these Smartheart skill and dialogue helps to remove the stress of the day for both of you.  Leaving room for the real love fireworks between the two of you to happen later that evening.  With this reward at the end, don’t be surprised if your partner wants to barbecue every year. 😉

Take advantage of the holiday to create some sexy fireworks and have an affair with your man this weekend.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Having relationship problems? I have a 98% success rate with singles and couples even if your partner is resistant, I can even work with one partner, and you will see amazing results.  Apply for a complimentary phone Breakthrough To Your Ideal Relationship session.

 

 

How has tech and social media destroyed empathy in our society?

Lack of empathy in our society among singles and married couples are at an all time high.  It’s even being attributed to divorces.

Some say the popularity of social media and the use of tech gadgets has contributed to the lack of empathy, caring, respect and the ability to know how to communicate directly with others.

How should we address this issue?

Alan Alda has written a  book If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?: My Adventures in the Art and Science of Relating and Communicating,  he describes empathy as CRITICAL to our society.  He also talks about how people do not know how to communicate properly and do not take the time to do so which can cause all kinds of misunderstandings as well.

I can attest to all the couples who seek out my services who are breaking up; they do not have empathy and good communication skills. These are easy to learn.  I introduce them to Smartheart skills and dialogue that can provide clarity, mutuality, and safety with their partner, learning empathy and walking in the other person’s shoes, which prevents breakups.  The core of  Smartheart skills and dialogue are empathy and validation.

In my free video and my Reader’s Choice New York Times book Make Up, Don’t Break Up you can find out more.

Let’s take one loving step for mankind by practicing empathy towards our loved ones, including children and also at work with our colleagues.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil Ph.D.

P.S.: I have a 98% success rate helping singles, and couples attract and keep loving relationships.  I offer a limited number of “Breakthrough To Your Ideal Relationship” phone sessions each month that you can apply for HERE.

 

Relationship Questions & Answer from Doctor Bonnie

Question: Dr. Bonnie, my husband and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 adorable children.  The issue is our sex life is obsolete these days. I feel like I’m providing a dissatisfaction to my husband as I have no interest in having sex.  He goes out sometimes when he gets home, I will act like I’m sleeping as I don’t have any interest.  Will I ever be able to get these feelings back or is this a sign that maybe I should move on as we weren’t meant to be?
Answer: Thank you for contacting me.  I don’t believe it is the fact that you don’t make the time, but it’s that you don’t get excited anymore.  Sex needs to be thought of in an exciting way by adding novelty and excitement to your relationship, there should be no resentment.  Resentment tends to occur in long term relationships as the wife feels the husband does less around the house and with the kids.  You need to learn to compartmentalize any of those feelings.  Nobody wants to be in a relationship with boredom and resentment.  You and your partner need to learn to fight fair and not air resentment. If a couple does not learn to fight fair there is no passion as conflict creates passion.  The best sex is after a good fight! Don’t use sex as leverage as an orgasm is a gift you give yourself as well.  Fourplay is also important, no matter the years of history you have together.  It is important to keep kissing for the oxytocin hormone, hugging for the dopamine hormone.  If it has been a while since making love, the brain also needs to be retrained.  Frequency of romantic encounters with your partner are a must, so the brain is still in tune.

Celebrate Our Anniversary And Our Romance Magic

Celebrate Our Anniversary And Our Romance Magic

We’re celebrating our anniversary and real life love – the kind that lasts forever – is the most magical heart-melting gift life has to offer.

In the last chapter of my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up titled “I Did It, So Can You!” I wrote it because most of my patients and people in general who don’t believe they can get married after the age of 40, that time when our biological clocks are ticking.  In this chapter, I visualized and believed that I could get married again.  After years of not dating, my mentor asks why I was not dating or married yet; he mentioned he believed I was scared to get married again because I was so into my career.

After hearing that, I began my therapist work with not only couples but single people like myself who have never been able to get married and hearing the loud tick of their biological clock.  And what I found was, I had the same fears that I thought all the men I met at the time which was commitment issues, I was fearful as we, as we all are at this stage.

With that said, when I wrote Make Up, Don’t Break Up I wanted to share with everyone how I got over my fears and how my husband got over his as well.  When I say I did it so can you I am so happy my husband, and I found each other. Because we did not stop the relationship before it really got started, which is what a lot of single people do, I did it when I was dating we made it happen.  We put our own barriers in the way, not realizing we are holding ourselves back.

In this last chapter of the book, I Did It So Can You; I talked about our Smart Heart Vow:

“I will connect with you,

detach myself from my own thoughts

and emotions so I can hear you and walk in your shoes.”

It’s our 25th anniversary, and we realized we’d been together 30 years, which is amazing, and we would not be together if we didn’t do the Smartheart Skills and dialogue that my husband developed.  While dating, whenever we had a fight he would dance me around the room and I realized by doing this, it made me feel better, my endorphins were going off.

In our vows, he called me the guardian of connection which is interesting because in makeup, Don’t Break Up I talk about the woman making the first move.

I made the first move by helping him get over his fears.  Many times women think the man should make the first move, so they wait, and the man doesn’t make the first move because he may be more afraid of rejection than the woman.  That term guardian of connection that he referred to in our vows meant to him that if it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t be getting married, so I was the one who connected both of us.

He also talked about me being electric and magic and how I helped him see the world differently because I like to have fun and he has been a more serious and a workaholic.  So, because of me he’s been sowing the flowers and seeing the world very differently.  Love is fragile, and we had Calla Lillies (flowers) in our wedding because they are very fragile.

Just like those flowers, he said they were fragile like our love which had to be watered, maintained and taken care of or it will die.  We follow those Smartheart Skills and dialogue, creates a bond, makes you feel safe, it’s mutuality, using love instead of fear to get you closer every day.  That later led to Fantasy Friday’s which is what we will be doing on our anniversary.

Fantasy Friday is every week one of us kidnaps the other and doesn’t say what we’re doing, and the other person is not allowed to complain. It’s a surprise, and the element of surprise is always good for the dopamine because it always gives you that excitement and novelty in a relationship.

This week we’ve moved the date to Sunday (Fantasy Sunday 😉 to celebrate our anniversary.

The Country Club where we got married is a half-mile away from our home; we took a pontoon boat to the club the day of the wedding.  It was a different kind of wedding, we docked the boat and got married outside despite the fact that it was windy and the canopy was blowing.  It looked like a storm was coming with all the wind that was blowing through.  But as soon as we docked our boat the sun came out.  Everyone clapped and was excited.  And that is the way our life has been.  When we found each other we were both coming out of stormy relationships and then we met, and it was a ray of sunshine.  We love water; so living on the lake and by the east river is very special to us.

Fairy tales may not come true, but the magic of true connection outshines even the best of fantasies.  Don’t let love pass you by.  Go out and make it happen.  You deserve to have the best life has to offer, so reach for the stars, keep your face to the sunshine, and remember that without the rain and the wind, there would be no flowers.

I did it, so can you!

From my heart to yours,

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

Low doses of pot reverses memory loss and can halt mental decline

A new German study has found that low doses of pot reverses memory loss and can halt mental decline. Could this be a breakthrough for old age and altzeimers? A patient just sent me this info this morning . I love how my patients are so eager to share with me as I do with them so we can share with you. It’s like that song reach out and touch somebody’s hand . The low dose is the key possibly to this study because an internist I work with regarding my patients who have addictions like adultery and pot or alcohol (I call the biochemical craving for connection)  finds excessive pot smoking alters judgement and decesion making for monogamy for instance and affects energy levels and possibly fertility.

High School Students React to 13 Reasons Why

http://ow.ly/sIKt30btOQR

What an amazing reaction to Netflix’ “13 Reasons Why”! These students are inspiring. This reminds me of when I sat at a Broadway show and was surprised to find myself sitting next to the person who wrote the song! When the song came on and Simpson heard the lyrics “reach out and touch somebody’s hand,” she grabbed my hand. Reaching out (like the song says) can give hope and boost someone ‘s need for positive energy to flow through the other. Another person can make the difference in someone else’s life just by being there and understanding and creating choices and options to live. The will to live comes from hope. Kudos to these students for reminding all of us that there’s always a way with help.

If you or your child wants to speak about this more, contact me at www.doctorbonnie.com

It’s Time to Buck the Trend of Sex Before Dating

Young singles are dating less and hooking up more for sex before they even go on one date.Whether the trend comes from the various opinions that young adults are not interested in commitment (after all many of their parents divorced), have more access to online porn, are too busy working and going to school to date, or want to delay relationships, the research is clear that dating patterns are changing, and confusion abounds. Even the word “hookup” means different things to different people. For some hooking up means casually hanging out. For others hooking up means having a sexual encounter. I hope that young adults reach a consensus that undefined relationships and casual encounters are not satisfying in the long run, and the ambiguity can cause more loneliness and heartache. These students will not be prepared to fall in love and stay in love, nor will they have developed important relationship skills when they are ready for committed relationships.

There is no getting around the reality that emotional attachments are developed in sexual relationships. In my book Make Up Don’t Break Up, I take a sensible and emotionally safe approach to teaching couples how to nurture friendships, and communicate feelings—which gives clarity and eliminates conflicting expectations. However, with this trend of college students hooking up without dating first, women are not only lowering their standards for what they might want or need from a relationship, they don’t even know the person well enough to determine whether they might want him to stick around.

In Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying videos Falling in Love and Staying in Love, I teach skills for nurturing and growing lasting relationships. The lack of dating before sex tells me that young adults are sleeping with virtual strangers, which is alarming. And, this casual hook up trend will not help people understand how to get a relationship started.

Women Ignored On Mother’s Day More Likely to Cheat

There are consequences for ignoring Mother’s Day. According to AshleyMadison.com—a website dedicated to helping married individuals find partners to have affairs, one of the biggest days of the year for female signups is the day after Mother’s Day (along with the day after Valentine’s Day).  Data from the site reports that women ignored or devalued during holiday’s they deem important—Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, become disillusioned with their relationship, and many seek attention from men outside their relationships immediately following these holidays.

Husbands who ignore their wives send a message that their work is not appreciated. Women work an extra 36 hours a week on home and family related tasks, above and beyond their jobs outside the home. Mother’s Day offers a structured way to honor their contribution. It is imperative that men honor the work involved in being a wife, mother, and holding down a job outside the home, especially on Mother’s Day—the one day of the year husband’s can honor the dedication and specialized work involved in being a mother. A partner who deflects, ignores or devalues Mother’s Day sends the message that he takes his wife for granted.

A husband is doing more than honoring his wife on Mother’s Day. He is sending a message to the children that their mother deserves recognition for her priceless contributions to the family. Children have emotional antennae, so dads should get their children involved in making gifts and surprising their moms with tender sentiments.

Want to prevent cheating in your relationship?  Get our FREE online resource!

 

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