After reading the theory cited in a recent study that women are more attracted to men who are uncertain about them  (, it hit home for me personally. When we were in the early stages of dating, my husband Jeff acted like the typical illusive guy afraid of commitment. If I hadn’t used the Smart Heart Skills I developed for communication, I probably would have pushed his buttons and scared him off.

The study states that women are attracted to illusive men because they grasp that men are more distant, and intuitively think they can somehow bridge the gap—or “fix him”. However, without knowing the communication skills provided in my Smart Heart Skills, a woman can turn an illusive man into a vanishing act real fast.

By nature women are the guardians of connection, so it is natural for us to think we can be the intimacy bridge to our distancing men. 80 percent of men are Distancers and 80 percent of women are Pursuers. And since we women are wired for emotional connections, we are more adept at developing emotional intimacy—but only if we learn the right tools because men react and process what we say completely differently than we would anticipate.

In Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love—the NY Times award winning best dating book of 2010, I explain how to keep an illusive man from vanishing by using communication skills that leads to intimate connections.

Smart Heart Skills are important for all women to understand and adopt because without the right tools we will inadvertently push men further away, ending relationships before they begin, and cause unnecessary power struggles.


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