Smartheart skills from Dr. Bonnie for women to tell men
Instead of anger use love so you can connect.
Is he sabotaging closeness?
Does he act mean or irritable distance from you or punish you after close moments?
Is he oblivious to or not able to acknowledge things that you feel are important?
Does he withdraw or check out when you tell him you need his help?
Does he say come close but move away or come close but not too close?
To Confront or Not Confront: If you suspect infidelity this holiday season
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
We’ve all seen it, if not in real life then on TV or in the movies: The faithful wife or husband confronting their partner’s love. It happened again this week on the TV show, “The Good Wife,” as the main character meets up with her husband’s mistress.
The question in itself may sound crazy: Should the jilted partner ever confront the “other woman” or man? But I believe that such a confrontation is sometimes warranted. You don’t have to do it in person, but a phone call can work just as well. In some situations, an encounter with this person may be an important step of letting go and moving on, whether or not the couple decides to work things out. But as we’ve all seen in the media – in both fact and fiction! – such a meeting can be harrowing and dramatic. Here are ten tips to ensure a productive confrontation:
1. Pick a neutral public place to meet
2. Never humiliate the lover or your mate in front of friends, coworkers, children or family members.
3. Tell the lover you do not wish to hurt him/her, but you will love your partner and know the feeling is mutual.
4. Make it clear that you will fight for the relationship and that you and your spouse have a history together.
5. Ask for time to make it work.
6. Point out that if your partner leaves the relationship still doubting and full of remorse, the lover will not get a fair shake and might get hurt even worse later on.
7. Look your best.
8. Remain cool, but firm. Remember, these are peace talks.
9. Try to see this person as a wounded child, too. Validate their feelings.
10. Point out the negatives of your partner’s situation- the children, the grim realities of maintaining two households.
But aim for empathy, not sympathy. When making the decision to work things out with you partner, there will be many issues to deal with, but at this juncture you are looking to clear the air with the lover. Understand that they may have been a victim too. They may not have known the truth about your relationship, and even if they did that merely points to the fact that they have their own series of problems to work on.
The point here isn’t to cause a fight or create drama beyond what you’ll already be dealing with, but to bring closure to a situation with the “other” person, so you and your partner can focus on yourselves and making your relationship work again.
Dr. Bonnie, known as the “Adultery Buster,” was named the #1 Love Expert for her work in helping couples stay together after infidelity. Her book on the topic, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin” was made into a Lifetime Movie with actress Kate Jackson. It goes into greater detail on the Ten Tips for Confrontation, as well as other important instructions for rescuing a relationship after an affair. “Adultery the Forgivable Sin” can be found on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Adultery-Forgivable-Bonnie-Eaker-Weil/dp/1587768151/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259070325&sr=8-1
Smart heart questions for women
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Do you sabotage closeness?
Do you push for closeness at times when you know your partner wants distance?
Do you give instead of setting limits and standing your ground?
Do you react with anger or disappointment when he doesn’t “read your mind” and do or say what you were hoping for, but didn’t verbalize?
Do you send him on guilt trips when he needs to connect?
Do you enable his selfishness?
In this recession it is time to have an affair… but with your own partner!
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.
Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.
As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.
Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:
*Make a decision to fall in love again.
Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.
*Treat each other like you did at the beginning.
Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!
*Give up your old money relationships
Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.
It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!
To Confront or Not Confront: If you suspect infidelity this holiday season
Quote
“Life is not perfect remember when you’re ready to criticize your partner, you need to remember how it is to roam around by your self with no one to share life’s wonderful moments such as the holidays.”
Smart Heart Dialogue
“I really love making dinner for you because I can tell how much you appreciate it. I just wish we had more time to have fun after dinner.”
“Why don’t we do our dishes together so we can get them done quickly and watch the football together?”
Smartheart skills from Dr. Bonnie for women to tell men
Make him accountable for his distancing gently. So you can have a reconnection.
Smartheart skills from Dr. Bonnie for women to tell men
Help men to say no, make it safe
Smartheart skills from Dr. Bonnie for women to tell men
Men don’t always know how they feel. Make it easy for them and safe for them to tell you by safely paving the way.