Why is Intimacy so hard to achieve for singles, separated or divorced people?
Why is Intimacy so hard to achieve for singles, separated or divorced people?
Here are 5 tips I recommend to individuals and couples for Staying in Love, Not Just Falling in love!:
- Make friends with your fears as finding Love is letting go of fear;
- Desensitize YOURSELF to rejection as men are more sensitive to rejection then women;
- Reach out to him if he retreats as disconnection is a man’s way of fear when he IS into you;
- He acts the opposite of how he really feels so YOU need to make the first move;
- Do not predict the outcome, just stay in the moment.
Use Dr. Bonnie’s tried and true Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue (she used these in her courtship) For an example, “We had such a great time last time. I just received two tickets to the Yankee game, wanna come?” DO NOT MENTION his ghosting you!!
These 5 things will help to ignite your romance and help you to stay in love! Practice! Practice!
From “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” Chapter 9, pg. 98!
Purchase Make Up Don’t Break Up by Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD from 
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a renowned international relationship therapist and owner of a NYC private practice, with over 35 years of experience. She specializes in issues related to families, dating, marriage, and infidelity. She developed a theory for addiction called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. She is a five-time award winner as New York City’s Best Therapist. Dr. Bonnie is the author of 5 books including best seller and NY Times Readers’ Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.” Her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” was turned into the Lifetime movie, “Silence of Adultery.”
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a 3 day series on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show 5 times and received Best of Oprah in May 2013. She frequently appears on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News and Good Morning America. She has also been featured many times in USA Today, Men’s Health, The New York Times, and Cosmopolitan. Dr. Bonnie also teaches an Education 2 Go Course on “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
For Men: Warning: “Forgetting” Valentine’s Day No Such Thing
There is no such thing as “forgetting” Valentine’s Day. Forgetting this romantic holiday, that’s not a coincidence. It is rather a symptom of “getting back” at your partner or a fear of getting close. This ‘forgetting” appears mean-spirited, giving a clear message, and has such long-lasting consequences that can even lead to divorce and adultery down the road!! In fact, Ashley Madison, the cheating married website, reports that the day after Valentine’s Day is the biggest cheating day for disappointed women!
I say It does not have to be that way, “forgetting” Valentine’s Day is a grudge, a vengeful way of getting back at your partner for unresolved relationship debris.
Some excuses women should never accept are: it’s only a retail holiday, it’s too commercial, every day is Valentine’s Day, restaurants are crowded and too expensive, or florists rip you off. These excuses cause disappointing feelings and are real “romance wreckers.” They set the stage for distance, detachment, and possibly divorce.
I teach my patients Smart Heart skills, as emphasized in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, to help identify a grudge and prevent a buildup of resentments. Learning how to “fight fair” can increase passion by clearing the air. These “skills” especially help men learn to communicate by appointment instead of walking out of the room during discussions. “Fair fighting” teaches empathy and affection and this increases passion when the offending partner has a time limit for fighting and has permission do so, in short intervals. Examples, performed by real, live couples, can be found in Make Up, Don’t Break Up’s accompanying video, “How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples.” Men need many “time outs.” They are allergic to women’s emotionality. With “fair fighting,” men can air their resentments instead of storing them and the conflict works as an aphrodisiac for eventual passion. The power is in getting heard, not getting mad. Letting go of grudges is not about being right or fair, it’s about what works.
Learn more about grudges in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples pages 308 & 309.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Dr. Bonnie Encourages a Touchdown During the Superbowl
Dr. Bonnie encourages partners to touchdown during the Superbowl to increase intimacy, by making love during halftime.
About 53 million viewers, both men and women, tuned in two weeks ago for the football playoffs leaving everyone with concerns about calorie consumption, but Dr. Bonnie says, “Making love has no calories. In fact, being intimate during halftime will actually burn some.”
Dr. Bonnie encourages partners to touchdown during the football playoffs. A nice pillow fight and some tackling after the second quarter is high energy play and will bring endorphins to a full-time high. Adding in a 30 second kiss will also bring on a different rush from oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. If you can’t lick em join them. A savvy woman knows how much football means to her guy whether married or single.
Dr. Bonnie strongly suggests that being intimate during football halftime is a healthy way to connect with your sports lover. The Cleveland Clinic believes a healthy sexual relationship can positively affect all aspects of life. Many women and even men feel neglected when their partner is glued to the television and shows more devotion for Tom Brady ( than they do to them. However, Dr. Bonnie stresses, “Do not get mad when your partner is engrossed with the game. They will love and appreciate more by supporting their passion.” Here are some of her smart heart tips that will help get the pom-poms out for the first time in years this playoff season.
Be supportive and stay on the sidelines when the game is in motion. As her husband Jeff says, “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and football.” Partners should try out some new recipes that will leave their lover’s mouth watering for more than just the seven-layer dip. Coming home with some hot chocolate, which contains PEA, is an upper and with some fluffy marshmallows they are great aphrodisiacs for touching down.
To really impress the partner, husband or boyfriend, do a little research. Start reading newspapers, Sports Illustrated, playoff feed on Twitter or even download the NFL ’12 app to learn more about stats, players and predictions for the next Vince Lombardi Trophy winner. Dr. Bonnie says, “Learning about the game will make him adore more than enough to remember this year’s Valentine’s day. It may even get a proposal, if it hasn’t already.” Sharing football without complaining, that’s a lifetime achievement award.
Dr. Bonnie cautions, football time is no time for talking, especially about serious subjects. Don’t discuss any heavy topics that might instigate an argument that would ruin any chance of a halftime show. Also, competing with the announcer is another football faux pas. Besides all the chanting and swearing, notice that men are usually pretty quiet when a big play is under review. Let there only be one announcer.
Everybody loves the commercials, even non sports fan, should take time to enjoy them together. Good commercials will stimulate good conversation, but leave them until after the game. Be surprised about what will come with some behavior modification. Practicing these running drills will ensure to make halftime, your time.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has over 30 years of experience as a counselor and therapist, and specializes in issues related to dating, marriage, divorce, and infidelity. She has authored books about relationships including Best Seller and Readers Choice Award winning book Make Up, Don’t Break Up; Financial Infidelity; Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery (Introducing her new theory and treatment of adultery as a disease) and Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Are your “Ghosts” (Blasts from your Past) impeding your present relationship?
Are your “Ghosts” (Blasts from your Past) impeding your present relationship or ability to move on to start anew?
For Singles, Separated, or even Married: Maybe you need to go back to the “scene of the crime”, so to speak so you can “remember to forget”. This proper “goodbye” and explanation may help with what REALLY went down so you stop blaming yourself or “mind reading”. You may be able to separate your issues and his or her’s so you can piggyback off this information to do it DIFFERENTLY the next time! After all Love is letting go of fear. It’s hard to do that when you don’t really understand the dynamics of the previous breakup. This can create a lack of confidence or trust on your part, which can also spook your new or potential partner, or have you misread the signals of “interest”. Reconnect to people you “let go” as a bridge to new connections. You may even have to SEE some of them to properly disconnect.
Dr Bonnie’s SmartHeart Dialogue :
- If you are in a present relationship: Red Alert: Make sure you inform, explain and get PERMISSION from the person you are dating or in a relationship with so they are not threatened or blind sighted and see the value for your present relationship!
- Example of tried and true Dialogue: to your present partner or future to “hopefully be partner”.
- “I seem to be stuck with my last good-bye” in a prior relationship. I do not really know why it ended or my part in the demise. Since I may be blaming myself or my past partner, it seems to be impeding and negatively piggybacking in my ability to be “all in with you”. I really like you, and want to move forward with us. I will call or email my ex to see if he or she is willing to give answers so I can let go and move towards you. Thank you for understanding. If you ever feel uncomfortable or threatened please dialogue with me immediately.
From “Makeup Don’t Break Up”: page 175: Smart Heart Insights; Dealing With Ghosts: Chapter 13: Reconnecting with your family: Going Home Again.
Purchase Make Up Don’t Break Up by Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD from
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a renowned international relationship therapist and owner of a NYC private practice, with over 35 years of experience. She specializes in issues related to families, dating, marriage, and infidelity. She developed a theory for addiction called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. She is a five-time award winner as New York City’s Best Therapist. Dr. Bonnie is the author of 5 books including best seller and NY Times Readers’ Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.” Her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” was turned into the Lifetime movie, “Silence of Adultery.”
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a 3 day series on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show 5 times and received Best of Oprah in May 2013. She frequently appears on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News and Good Morning America. She has also been featured many times in USA Today, Men’s Health, The New York Times, and Cosmopolitan. Dr. Bonnie also teaches an Education 2 Go Course on “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
Define the Currency of your Relationship
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Invest in your Future: Be Proactive!
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Dr. Bonnie says “HOLD HANDS, NOT GRUDGES.”
BE SMART HEART SAVY: Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself!
Be prepared for the question you ask. Do not ask the question if you do not want to hear the answer.
Dr Bonnie ‘s wisdom:
- Grudges have a purpose —albeit a dysfunctional one!
- Grudges exist to protect us from hurt again. It does just the opposite.
- It does not allow you to get close enough to the person who hurt you to help them empathize, have awareness, to change or to create movement to change the dysfunctional dynamic.
- Grudges paralyze us, keep us frozen, so we don’t “feel” and keep us STUCK in the past and in our present relationship and future ones are surely compromised!
- “Act as If” helps to “thaw” our hurt feelings, to create movement, then the “good feelings” will follow and flow .
- Agree to not let negative feelings pile up, use Smartheart dialogue so you avoid saying yes when you mean NO. Learn that “peace at any price” got you here — to grudges — and gives us WAR (grudges) as does your DELAYED REACTION .
- VISUALIZE before you say yes what you are getting into — so you stop and think maybe I should say no, minimizes a delayed reaction or “peace at any price” and gives you a CHOICE!
SMARTHEART SAVY DIALOGUE:
“I need to know you feel remorse so we can work through this. I want to give you a chance to express everything you feel guilty about, so we can BOTH work on getting over it and I can stop being so angry”.
From “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” Chapter 22
Purchase Make Up Don’t Break Up by Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD from
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a renowned international relationship therapist and owner of a NYC private practice, with over 35 years of experience. She specializes in issues related to families, dating, marriage, and infidelity. She developed a theory for addiction called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. She is a five-time award winner as New York City’s Best Therapist. Dr. Bonnie is the author of 5 books including best seller and NY Times Readers’ Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.” Her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” was turned into the Lifetime movie, “Silence of Adultery.”
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a 3 day series on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show 5 times and received Best of Oprah in May 2013. She frequently appears on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News and Good Morning America. She has also been featured many times in USA Today, Men’s Health, The New York Times, and Cosmopolitan. Dr. Bonnie also teaches an Education 2 Go Course on “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
How to Re-Romaticize Your Relationship!
How to Re-Romaticize Your Relationship!
Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker by Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD
Most relationships can be re-romanticized. An important touchstone for couples are the “mini connections” of little rituals that show affection on a DAILY BASIS. These rituals make and reaffirm memories that heal us, protect us and our relationship or marriage and give us an energetic lift. These attachment techniques can become rituals which boost your connection romantically, by the stimulation of the “cuddle” hormone called oxytocin especially during stressful times!
These are some examples of tried and true attachment skills to practice regularly to keep the fires burning with desire for a physical connection with your partner.
- Cuddle in bed for 20 seconds when you first wake up and before bed time for a dopamine rush making you feel more “alive” and happy with your loved one.
- Kiss for thirty seconds to increase the oxytocin levels to feel safe and bonded to your partner to “feel” the love.
- Say “verbal aphrodisiacs” for three minutes each day unprompted. An example of Smart Heart dialogue: Tender words: “You are beautiful and a great nurturer and cook.You are so loved.”
- Hold hands daily.
From Financial Infidelity by Dr Bonnie, Step 6 Refinancing Your Relationship from pages 227 and 228.
Purchase Financial Infidelity by Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD from
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a renowned international relationship therapist and owner of a NYC private practice, with over 35 years of experience. She specializes in issues related to families, dating, marriage, and infidelity. She developed a theory for addiction called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. She is a five-time award winner as New York City’s Best Therapist. Dr. Bonnie is the author of 5 books including best seller and NY Times Readers’ Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.” Her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” was turned into the Lifetime movie, “Silence of Adultery.”
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a 3 day series on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show 5 times and received Best of Oprah in May 2013. She frequently appears on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News and Good Morning America. She has also been featured many times in USA Today, Men’s Health, The New York Times, and Cosmopolitan. Dr. Bonnie also teaches an Education 2 Go Course on “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
What sets your mother apart from all the rest?
For all mothers on their special day, and a special “ode” to my mother for Mother’s Day .
What sets your mother apart from all the rest?
Did you ever notice nothing is too much trouble for a Mom? Things just abra-cadabra just appear — or just get done — like our last minute Halloween costumes, things we desire and wish for just “appear” and not just on Christmas or Chanukah — (like your bike or favorite CD or book.) Things you worry about or if you feel sick just disappear.
Is that because she wiped away your tears by soothing you with a gentle hand rubbing your forehead followed by a kiss? Who made those school lunches always with a surprise inside enough to share with a friend or your favorite teacher? Who knew how important it was to eat with Dad for those amazing nutritious family dinners? Who is the one when you were down to lift you up with a smile and a song and a treat? Who gave you your “own” goodie stash when grown up company came? It seemed like magic. It was… It was Mom!!
“I Remember Mama”, when she secretly saved up (even when times were hard) and magically, a bike you “wished” for on your birthday “appeared” for no good reason! It was not on your birthday or holiday but just because…. and the prom dress that I told Mom was much too expensive and she even made that happen with many small “down payments”.
“I Remember Mama” when my brother was born. My mother asked friends and family to ONLY bring ME gifts to his Bris! When I asked why me, not brother, she wisely smiled, kissed me, and answered, “Because you are loved and are Mommy’s special girl, big sister, and great helper.
“I Remember Mama” when I left for college. “Are you worried?”, I asked her. She said “I have done my job,now it’s up to you! I have the utmost faith in you. Remember I am just a phone call away.”
“I Remember Mama” most of all for the lessons she imparted to me that I teach patients to this day. It’s how my SmartHeart Saavy was born:
The Lessons she taught me later became Smart Heart Saavy in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up, will forever be embedded in my memory. She immediately rushed to school when I got “bullied” at 6 years of age, and INSISTED when the principal refused, on talking WITH the Mothers and the two girls, (in the PRINCIPAL’s office), who would put their feet out, so I, the new kid in town, would fall down the steps, jealous of my beautiful new clothes and shoes. Being the 6 year old therapist that I was seeing the gleam in their eyes and their spread feet I grabbed on to the banister for dear life just in time. After the meeting one of the girls and her mother invited me for lunch and a play date at their house alone. Mom said I had to go when I faked a tummy ache. “I know you are scared”, my Mom said. You need to go because “forgiveness is a gift you give yourself”. “They are extending an olive branch …”what’s that I asked?” “It’s when you make a mistake —albeit a big one (can it be small I asked)?” Yes Mom answered but this was a BIG mistake because no one should purposely try to hurt you —and they want to “make up for it “and apologize by doing something kind to right the wrong. Oh ,”I said that’s why I should go. “How should I behave?” Mom says like the “little lady” I taught you. I will be outside waiting for you not far away! “I am proud of you and you are being very brave.”
That lesson of courage and bravery and “forgiveness is a gift you give yourself“ that she instilled in me, became the cornerstone of my first book adapted into a movie— Adultery the FORGIVABLE Sin. I taught courage, bravery, and forgiveness to thousands of couples helping them mend their broken hearts, find love and forgiveness, navigate and heal from abuse and bullying.
Mom and I had SPECIAL outfits and rain boots so rainy days were fun, (not gloomy,) splashing in puddles. It is wonderful to bring sunshine to their lives like my mother did for me, even on rainy days!
Dr. Bonnie’s Mother’s Day EXERCISE:
What do I cherish and appreciate my MOTHER for? (let me show the ways)
What do YOU remember your mother for? Write YOUR list.
List what you remember and appreciate most that your mother has done or is doing for you. Go back to memory lane and see how many rituals and memories were initiated and followed because of her “magic”. List them, and if you are lucky enough to have her physically still here with you, thank her and tell her how special and how appreciated she is. Then read and share the list with her.
If she is not here, she is, as my mother so eloquently said, “I will always be in your heart, and watching over you.”
That is how I Remember Mama!
Why Break Up to Make Up?
Why Break Up to Make Up?
This theory was tried and true and tested in my mother’s courtship to bring about a successful PROPOSAL of marriage as well as my grandmother and my grandfather in their courtship as well as my great grandmother and great grandfather in theirs! It has worked for generations… in my family!
Here are my mother’s and her family’s Smart Heart tips:
- The Break up is done for a specified period of time with both parties giving permission AND DONE WITH LOVE!
- If it is a viable relationship the disconnection triggers the re-connection and the fresh start of the relationship.
- “This brush with death” creates an endorphin high which reignites passion and appreciation for each other if;
- Don’t cave in and “makeup” too soon!
- We have to fear losing someone to raise our anxiety level to a point where we’re willing to face our fears and accept the unknown elements of our future together.
“My fear of losing you is stronger than my fear of loving you!”
This is from a male patient who then proposed after breaking up to make up.
Smart Heart Dialogue from Dr Bonnie’s father before her parents married after THEIR Break Up to Make Up .”You don’t know what you have until you lose it!” (her mother started dating a sailor when her Dad running scared left to go 3000 miles away!)
From Chapter 20: Give your Relationship A Brush With A Death pages 259-263 from Dr Bonnie’s New York Times readers choice award Make Up, Don’t Break Up.
Get Your Own Book: Make Up, Don’t Break Up by Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD from
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a renowned international relationship therapist and owner of a NYC private practice, with over 35 years of experience. She specializes in issues related to families, dating, marriage, and infidelity. She developed a theory for addiction called the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. She is a five-time award winner as New York City’s Best Therapist. Dr. Bonnie is the author of 5 books including best seller and NY Times Readers’ Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.” Her book “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin” was turned into the Lifetime movie, “Silence of Adultery.”
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a 3 day series on The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show5 times and received Best of Oprah in May 2013. She frequently appears on CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, Fox News and Good Morning America. She has also been featured many times in USA Today, Men’s Health, The New York Times, and Cosmopolitan. Dr. Bonnie also teaches an Education 2 Go Course on “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.