Getting to Commitment

How to get to commitment for singles or married even with adultery.

To take your relationships to the next level is a delicate art, like a delicate surgery to issue an ultimatum to your partner, whether it’s moving in together, getting married or whatever that next stage of your relationship might be. There are skills and dialogues that I call “Smartheart Skills and Dialogues” that I’ve used successfully in my tried and true program, which has garnered a 98% success rate. The Smartheart Skills and Dialogues were developed while dating my husband and my parents also used it in their marriage as well.

Over my 35 plus years of working with patients, I’ve come to the conclusion that many more couples would get married if they could experience what life would be like without each other. What I refer to as a relationship “brush with death.”

I recommend to my patients a breakup to make up. This is a temporary break up for a specified period of time, with permission, and done with love. You both should take this time to resolve your fear, become stronger and discover how much you mean to each other. It also encourages appreciation of each other and not taking each other for granted giving you clarity and certainty about your feelings. I use as an example my husband who was non-committal during our courtship and my parents. Going through this process sets up the fear of losing your partner in order to love him or her. Do not reconnect too soon.

Break up to make up is good for adultery as well to reignite passion and appreciation for each other. The fear of losing you becomes stronger than the fear of loving you resulting in commitment forever. Break up to make up is a shake up to wake up to get movement.

Some of the patients I work with who experienced adultery found that break up to make up helped them to reignite the passion and appreciation. The fear of losing your partner become stronger than the fear of loving them thus resulting in a lifelong commitment.

In my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, I talked about a couple, Tammy and Fred – When she initiated a “brush with death,” Fred realized that he was more afraid of losing Tammy than he was of losing himself in the relationship. Fred had started to lose his feelings for her but the “brush with death” created an endorphin high and this reignited their passion and appreciation for each other. Tammy during this time learned to stop doing things that Fred took for granted, so he would then treat her as well as she treated herself. What she also found is that she needed to love herself first so Fred would then follow suit.

Announce this “brush with death” to your partner lovingly and gently – be prepared for resistance and don’t waiver.

I work with female patients who, although the woman THOUGHT they wanted commitment, they were also afraid and were hiding behind their commitment phobic man. This was their way of avoiding being hurt, but instead it hurt much more. Although they wanted commitment, they were afraid.

To get to commitment, rely more on movement and less on analysis and words. Gently coax him or her out of their shell or armor so you can see who they are and be conscious of your own anxieties so you don’t sabotage yourself!

Here is an example of the Smartheart Skills and Dialogues that I’ve used with my patients: Hold your ground and validate the phobic partner (the partner not wanting commitment) and yours (you wanting commitment). This is the Smartheart Skills and Dialogues that I want you to use with a commitment phobic partner: “I understand you want to be sure” and have a guarantee that we will be happy together; life and love are reasonable risks. It takes courage to love and to take a chance. I can help you with this; I’m scared too. We have such a special feeling and relationship that I’d like to take a chance with you.

Here are a few Smart Heart Questions to Ask Yourself

  • Are you with your partner because you really like them and want to have more time together?
  • Are you hanging with them because they are attractive?
  • Are you with them because you’re lonely?

My Mom and Dad used these techniques to stop Dad’s adultery, and his narcissism for good and they reached real life love because of these Smartheart Skills, especially a “brush with death.”

For more ground rules and benefits of my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues, especially if your partner does not respond to these suggestions from this article. I go more in depth on how to let them go with love to get them to come back in my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.

Want to talk to me about this delicate art and why it’s necessary to let them go with love in order to get them back? Whether you are married or single and have been trying to work on your relationship for years, I am here to help you.

In only 30 minutes, I’d like to help you have a major breakthrough in what has felt like a relationship nightmare. Apply here

Typically, private relationship breakthrough session calls with me cost a minimum of $400. Why am I doing this for free? Because I know if you have some loving direction and support, YOU can be successful NOW, and I want to support you and the success of your relationship. Apply here

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D
Love and Relationship Expert

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