How To End An Affair

The affair must stop for change to occur, however,  ending an affair is easier said than done.  This is the 2nd of a three-part series.

If you didn’t end your affair before you confessed it, you must do so immediately. You cannot begin to restore trust with your mate until he/she is certain that you are having no contact with your former lover (which we’ll discuss more later in this chapter). Giving up the affair may be harder than you expect, and will probably cause you to feel very sad. You must allow yourself to grieve—and your spouse must accept this process, too—before you can move on to a “new” relationship with your mate. You will simultaneously be grieving your damaged relationship with your spouse—an emotion the two of you can share—and looking at the early stress, loss, and separation (refer to Chapter 2 if you need to re-examine causes of early loss) that made it difficult for you to form a lasting, healthy relationship.

All of the psychological work I am recommending in this chapter that you undertake presupposes that you and your spouse are also attending to the biochemical and sugar imbalances—including any addictions to alcohol or drugs—that contributed to the relationship problems and resulting adultery.

Balancing your biochemistry and soothing your psyche must go hand-in-hand if either is to succeed for the long term. This is true for both members of a couple. As we’ve seen, both members of troubled couples often have sugar or biochemical imbalances, or chemical dependencies that contribute to the downward spiral their marriage takes once the “honeymoan” is over.

Most marriages can be saved even with adultery if an affair is stopped and many couples finally work out their underlying h issues then and reach real intimacy with adultery as it’s catalyst. I offer a groundbreaking theory, treatment, and protocol to my clients which has yielded a 98%  success rate when followed.

Next week I end this series with “Should the betrayed ever meet the lover?”

I am here to support you with any questions you may have from how to make up to how to deal with an affair.  Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!



Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach

The best-selling author of:

Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery

Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples

Adultery: The Forgivable Sin

Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wreck

Divorce-meter: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

To the two percent of couples who divorce, I say: Congratulations! You tried to save your marriage, you did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But before we get to that point, I ask couples seriously considering divorce to take my “Divorce-meter” questionnaire.

“Divorce-meter”: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

  1. Were you ever “in love” with your spouse?
  2. Has the love between you disappeared? If yes, are you sure
  3. Did you and your partner both commit yourselves to working seriously on your problems?
  4. Are you trying to escape emptiness?
  5. Are you bitter? Are you able to forgive?
  6. Do you want to be “right” so you don’t have to forgive?
  7. Do you hold grudges? Do other people in your family?
  8. Do you suffer from false pride?
  9. Is your inability to let go of your anger a sign you want to divorce?
  10. Did you receive a sexually transmitted disease from your partner? Are you unable to forgive the Betrayer because of that?
  11. Are you avoiding intimacy out of panic?
  12. Is your hurt too deep to forgive?
  13. Are you confusing hurt with the death of your relationship?
  14. Did you have and confess an affair to escape your marriage?
  15. Did you work through your guilt about being the Betrayer before you decided to divorce?
  16. Is this unresolved guilt the true cause of the divorce, not the fact that you fell in love with someone else?
  17. Are you putting your lover’s needs ahead of your family’s and partner’s?
  18. Whether you are the Betrayed or the Betrayer, are you using divorce to escape your feelings of emptiness?
  19. By not accepting responsibility for the part you played in the affair (whether you’re the Betrayed or the Betrayer), are you making divorce the only possible outcome?
  20. Do you truly understand the emotional resources you need to develop inside yourself, and what another person can give you?
  21. Do you feel you’ve been emotionally divorced for a long time?
  22. Did you try action oriented marital therapy? Did you do it alone if your partner?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. And please seek professional help before calling the divorce lawyer! Make certain that divorce is the only answer, and that you are truly unable or unwilling to work out your problems. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.

I suspect, however, that you are among the 98 percent of my patients who decide to stay together, work out their problems, and find true love in the marriage they’ve already created. I hope you are—but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! You still have work to do in the area I call “resolution”: the Betrayer must end the affair (if you haven’t already), both partners must decide what (and if) to tell the children, and begin to re-establish trust and love. This could be the hardest part of all.

If your partner is having trouble ending the affair and many times adulterer does not want to hurt the feelings of the lover or paramour or the lover and need help to end the affair.  Next week I will go into how to end an affair.

Do you want to save your marriage? Get your questions answered.  Call me directly at 212-606-3787.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!



Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach

Best-selling author of:

Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery

Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples

Adultery: The Forgivable Sin

Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker

Adultery is a family affair

Especially around the holidays

Every day a new perpetrator, whether its an entertainment bosses, actors, reporter, politicians, you name it.  Just turn on the news or read the paper and you find another person with power abusing that power.

We may look at Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Bill O’Riley, Mark Halpern, Al Franken to name of few of those implicated and think I am not on their level it can’t happen to me. But think again, adultery is a common issue, hence the reason for the high divorce rate in our society today.

Now that the holiday season is here, beware of office parties, most affairs start at holiday parties, and I want to give you some tips to hold the line and ward off temptations.

I use a holistic approach to prevent this during holidays when people binge on sugar, which acts as an aphrodisiac! Because blood sugar fluctuations occur from stress even more during the holidays it causes people to act out; sugar also breeds addiction.

As I wrote in my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin previous post from  2016.

Because Over 90% of men and women fantasize about a coworker and attending the holiday party becomes a catalyst for extramarital affairs. If you are lonely and attracted to someone in the office, tell your partner that you need more personal attention and that you are starting to develop feelings for a coworker because you miss spending time with them.

It is not an easy task to steer clear of these parties without looking suspicious, so I’ve put together “Do’s and Don’ts” on how to get through the seasonal parties without ruining your marriage. These steps are guaranteed ways to hold the line amid temptation at office parties.

DO Bring your partner! Especially if you find someone in the office attractive, bring your partner to the party. Having that mutual support nearby will assist you with fighting those wandering thoughts and urges. If your partner cannot attend, it is important that you talk about your plans especially around the coworker that you find attractive. Discuss what you will do as a couple or speak about family traditions in order to jog your memory of how significant your marriage is to you throughout the event.

DO Go early to the party – Leave early – Go home alone. If your partner cannot attend the party, this simple mantra will ensure an easy escape from temptation. Typically these parties include alcohol and its effects lower inhibitions which can lead to disastrous decision making. Be sure to arrive early and leave earlier as most parties tend to become uproarious as the day rolls into night once the libations are dispersed. Staying 20 – 30 minutes to show your support for the company’s party is enough time to mingle with coworkers. Most importantly, no matter if the accountant’s car will not start or the IT guy just cannot seem to find his keys, go home alone!

DO Think of your partner three times a day in a positive light during the work hours. Picture the coworker you fantasize ten pounds heavier and ten years older.

DON’T Drink. The mistletoe, alcohol, and romance of the season appears to give consent to lose control at office parties and can result in igniting illicit passion. It may not be the “cool thing to do” but it can certainly save you from a world of problems. Enjoy seasonal drinks like eggnog and virgin cocktails. Non-alcoholic beer is also an option, it is socially acceptable, tastes better than ever before and most locations even offer a variety to choose from.

DON’T Dance the Lambada. Avoid dancing too closely with coworkers and keep appropriate space in general while socializing. Do not forget that this is an office party and those human resources rules still apply. A sexual harassment claim filed against you is not how you will want to ring in the New Year at the office.

DON’T Flirt. Flirting during the holiday season can lead to other activities rather quickly – especially under the influence of alcohol. Remain professional, avoid racy jokes, watch your body language and definitely do not meet ANYONE under the mistletoe.

Adultery is a family affair as it affects generations to come, let’s change our children’s legacy by treating  and curing this.


We want to help you prevent cheating in your relationship this holiday season, get our FREE online resource!

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D
Love and Relationship Expert

Adultery – Relationships At Risk: Shake Up To Wake Up

Relationships are a source of so much fulfillment, and often they cause pain and sorrow, but it does not have to be that way. Adultery: the unforgivable sin, as many call it, is forgivable, curable, and treatable as I see it as a disease.

98% of the couples I talk to who experience adultery make up and stay together using my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues. If they can do it, you can do it too!  My theory is very different than that of mainstream thinking; I believe it is an inherited emotional, physiological behavior pattern. As Peter Ustinov stated, “love is an act of endless forgiveness.”  I say forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

My professional experience and that of my parent’s experiences shows that most marriages can be saved and even prosper after the betrayal, if the couple is willing to do the work necessary to recognize what contributed to the affair in the first place. Couples usually communicate more than they ever have after an affair. The betrayal becomes the catalyst to get to the intimacy and the love underneath.

An affair is a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize your relationship.  Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce and adultery than in first marriages, so it’s worth trying to work it out before you walk away.

38% of people have engaged in online sexual conversation, and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online. 1/3 of divorce litigation is from online affairs.  I recently read, there is an adultery epidemic, 45 to 50% of married women and 50 to 60% of men commit adultery at some point in their relationship.

I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally by balancing their stressed brain chemicals through psychotherapy,  medical workup, and treatment, in a team approach working as I do with an MD doing testing on people who are thrill seekers.

For my three part theory on adultery being a disease and more  Smartheart Skills and Dialogues to save a marriage, since I believe most marriages can be saved after an affair, read Makeup Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.

An affair is a cry for help; it shakes you to wake you.  After an affair couples start communicating and working on their symptoms which are part of a bigger problem.  Both people take responsibility for their part in the affair occurring as a way to deal or not deal with that bigger problem.


“I am lonely, and I don’t want to stray. I need love, nurturing, and attention. I want you, not someone else. Please help me to stay faithful.” Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Part Five –  Relationships At Risk:  Shake Up To Wake Up

It is necessary to learn what to do if you suspect or want to forgive adultery, or if you have committed it yourself. Remember, the best affair is the one you can have with your own partner!

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Love and Relationship Expert

Have a problem with your relationship? Apply for a Free 30-minute Ideal Relationship breakthrough sessions with me to help you get the passion and sizzle to restore the magic in your relationship or marriage.  Apply today!

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