Financial Infidelity runs Deep
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
A new gene discovered by scientists is being called the “infidelity gene,” but what does that actually mean, and is the name truly rooted in the scientific discovery?
Scientists at Karolinska Institute have found a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners. This is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with male bonding, but the effect of this variation is relatively small, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.
Hasse Walum, postgraduate student at the Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, and his team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of a particular gene linked to hormone receptors — allele 334 — often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.
According to the study, the incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant. There was also a connection between the men’s gene variant and how happy their partners were with their relationship.
“Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele”, says Hasse Walum.
A related study was carried out several years ago, in which researchers focused on women who were twins and found that if one of a pair of twins had a history of infidelity, the chances her sister would also stray were about 55%. It found the tendency for both twins to be either faithful or unfaithful was strongest in identical pairs – who have identical genes.
The executors of the study stressed that genes alone did not determine whether somebody was likely to be unfaithful – much could be boiled down to social factors as well.
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I’ve found similar things throughout my years as a therapist and believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. Of course there are other factors at work here – like if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.
This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting AGAINST however you have to – through therapy, support groups or counseling.
Should You Stand By Your Man After An Affair?
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
We’ve all seen it over and over … politicians (and others who are vocal and visible) preach morality, family and the like, and end up falling victim to an affair. Then, what’s perhaps more surprising to us, is that the spouse (usually the wife) decides to stick it out. To forgive and forget and work through whatever issues have arisen. This decision baffles a lot of us, and it’s one that Governor Mark Sanford’s wife, Jenny, recently tried to explain in a recent interview. She’s the gracious, forgiving woman being called a “role model,”by the Washington Post, and a “media genius” by Newsweek.
Infidelity Is An Addiction
In June, when Gov. Sanford admitted that he had not been traveling along the Appalachian Trail, but in fact, traipsing around Argentina with the mistress he had met eight years ago, Jenny was cool and composed. She and her sons then moved out of the governor’s mansion, but the former investment banker turned stay-at-home mother of four has decided to give her husband another chance, for a reason I completely agree with: Infidelity is an addiction and – just like when someone’s addicted to drugs or alcohol – it becomes nearly impossible to break away.
For this reason, I deem adultery the “forgivable sin” and, in my book Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery, delve into reasons why people need to conquer this biochemical craving for connection and have an affair with their own partner!
As Jenny aptly put it, “Everybody would like an escape sometimes. I’d like somebody 5,000 miles away I could E-mail. It’s not exclusive to men, but I know that isn’t realistic.”
Affairs Are Self-Medicating
Engaging in an affair can provide the desire for an illicit self-medicating, thrill-seeking “high” that many people seek. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An affair fulfills the biochemical craving for connection, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself. In order to re-instate that connection with our partner I suggest taking some time apart and doing what I call a “brush with death,” which Jenny has already done.
More instructions can be found in my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup, but when you do this “break up to make up” correctly, you’re operating from the position that you don’t know what you have till you lose it. This is a technique that jolts most people into getting their feelings back and falling back in love with their partner.
Forgiveness Is Divine
Or, in the words of Jenny Sanford:
“All I can do is forgive. Reconciliation is something else, and that is going to be a harder road. I have put my heart and soul into being a good mother and wife. Now I think it’s up to my husband to do the soul-searching to see if he wants to stay married. The ball is in his court.”
Dating During A Recession
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
It turns out economic hardship spawns more than “staycations” and at-home cocktail parties. It also has caused a boost in first dates. It seems that this type of uncertainty makes many of us desire companionship and support more than ever.
According to MSNBC, some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are showing hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com. If money talks, we’re saying that we are looking to quell the loneliness that’s all too common when chasing careers, financial security, our ideal life. When those things are called into question, we go back to seeking good ol’ fashioned relationships.
This should come as no surprise, as most of us have this inherent desire, but it can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view of money both within our selves and with our partners. This craving starts when stress from childhood causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.
This can come through online matchmaking, saying “hi” to that person we always see in a coffee shop or through a simple friendship. But you don’t need me to tell you how to meet people! The point is, as the MSNBC article states, it’s not just the frequency of our dates that’s changing — it’s also the people we’re choosing to spend time with.
“They’re looking for something that’s genuine in a world that isn’t very secure,” said Bathsheba Birman, co-founder of the Chicago dating event Nerds at Heart. “With headlines full of why you can’t trust established institutions that you thought you could … people are re-examining their own values.”
And seeking a steady relationship can actually result in SAVING money! The CEO at OKCupik figures a man can spend $100 buying drinks at a bar trying to pick up a stranger and leave with little more than a cold shoulder. But, when he’s in a relationship, a Saturday evening can be as simple as Thai noodle takeout and a movie rental.
So here’s to healthy relationship and sustainable finances!
Americans Less Worried About Debt
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
First the bad news – Unemployment rates are high, peoples’ life savings and retirement investments are still depleted, home values have tanked. Now the good news: Surprisingly, Americans are feeling less stress from debt these days.
The gist of a study, conducted by the Associated Press is that people are optimistic that they’ll eventually be able to get out from under a mountain of bills, a major factor behind the decline in stress from last year.
According to the poll: Debt-related stress was 12 percent lower this year than in 2008. “People now have some optimism that the worst is behind them,” said Paul J. Lavrakas, a research psychologist and AP consultant who analyzed the results of the survey.
As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, staying in has become the new going out, which – in spite of the fact that people and families are dealing with depleted finances – has had some positive effects. Families are connecting. People are viewing their budget as a team effort. Couples are saving more. All these things are also likely factors in the increase in positive debt perception that the study reveals. People feel like they might be gaining control of their lives again.
In my book, Financial Infidelity, I encourage people to talk about their money history – both in their own lives, and as a reflection of what they learned growing up, or in their past. It seems like more people may have started to do this, and subsequently have gotten on the same “financial page” and are willing to make a few sacrifices whereas before they may not have been as open to the idea.
Of course, this has had somewhat of a negative effect on the economy as a whole – if Americans were to sharply cut back spending, that could prolong the recession and hopes of recovery this year.
But every cloud has a silver lining, and as such, Americans aren’t dealing with record-high gas prices as they were last summer. Credit and financial problems, which reached a crisis point last fall, have shown some signs of easing.
It would be naive to think that because overall debt-related stress is down from this time last year, we’re out of the woods. Obviously our habits continue to have potentially dangerous repercussions both in our personal lives and in our economy as a whole, but people are definitely thinking more about their finances and their spending. And I would say that’s a net gain!
Keeping Finances Intact for the Good of the Child
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Anyone who watched Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, give her un-planned speech at her dad’s funeral can see how much she loved him and what kind of relationship she had with her father. Unfortunately for she and her brother Prince Michael, the sadness may be far from over, and battles over finances are just the beginning. Of course, the question still stands – who will get the kids and how will that be determined? In the apparent absence of a will, would the kids go to their biological mom, Debbie Rowe? It seems as though that won’t argument won’t hold up in court – I hope that continues to be the case, since allowing Rowe custody of the kids would be a type of Financial Infidelity.
Not only that, but it would NOT be in the best interest of the kids, and could present them with attachment disorder later in life. As Anna Freud explained with her extensive research into the subject years ago (which was the basis of courts beginning to take into account what the child actually wanted, and make the child’s best interest a priority), it can be extremely damaging for a kid to go with what amounts to a total stranger. Rowe has declared publicly several times that she does not consider Paris and Prince to be her kids, that she had them Michael and doesn’t want anything to do with them. She told one news outlet:
“I know I will never see them again. I was never cut out to be a mother – I was no good. I don’t want these children in my life. My children are my animals now.”
Sending them to live with her could be the modern equivalent of Biblical King Soloman’s proposal that – when two women were claiming to be the mom of one baby – the baby be cut in half. So – it seems pretty cut and dried – but if the mom doesn’t want the kids, what happens next and how will it play out financially? Debbie Rowe – though her statements are unverified and somewhat dubious – claims that the kids aren’t biologically even Jackson’s. She said that when Michael wanted kids, she was inseminated in order to give birth. If that’s true – or even if it’s not! – you can bet there will be many potential fathers coming out of the woodwork to claim a piece of pop’s legacy. It’s still unclear exactly what and how much this legacy entails but it’s likely going to get messy for all involved – and the kids will be no exception.
As I describe in my book of the same name, Financial Infidelity entails spending deceitfully behind someone’s back and I would venture to say the Jackson inheritance/legacy/custody battle could venture into this territory. Like I mentioned in my previous article, Jackson’s life seemed fraught with instances of Financial Infidelity and it’s easy to see how the people in his life could start spending unwisely – or making unwise financial decisions – behind the backs of his kids. Too many things are unknown at this point, his assets and finances aren’t accounted for, and if these things fall into the wrong hands before everything is worked out, the results could be detrimental for the people I would say are – at least by some token – the heirs to whatever he may have left behind: his kids.