Smartheart skills from Dr. Bonnie for women to tell men
Teach your male partner to announce his disconnection before or after he distances. Especially during confrontations when he may experience physiological discomfort.
A Shoe in: is it Recession-Sex/Infidelity or Financial Infidelity?
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
The New York Times recently ran an article on shoe shopping. Turns out this event hasn’t taken much of a hit, even as we’re more strapped for cash as a nation and spending less. People are still buying shoes left and right. And in October, shoe sales were actually up almost eight percent over what they were at this time last year. If this may seem kind of strange considering many are still feeling the pain of the recession, the NYTimes article offers more than a few suggestions, including:
* with conspicuous consumption being out of fashion nowadays, shoes enable people to update their wardrobes without being ostentatious
* “It’s just fun to shop for shoes. Maybe part of the fun is you don’t feel fat. And you don’t get hot. It’s exhausting trying clothes on”
* Shoes democratize fashion
* You could spend thousands of dollars to go away right now, or you can buy walking shoes
* women’s shoes typically cost half as much as a handbag of similar quality.
* “[Because I walk everywhere] “I use the argument, ‘If I spend $150 to $300 on shoes, this is my car.’”
* consumers were snapping up shoes in bright colors like yellow and red, “something that sticks out and makes you happy” (proving that we’re looking for an emotional lift, or a dopamine high to cancel out the feelings of worry and depression that have become all-too-commonplace.)
As I’ve suggested in earlier articles, many of us are coming to the end of our frugal fashion ropes. We’re feeling “frugal fatigue,” according to the article, and we’re more likely to commit financial infidelity or make a “pent-up” purchase (what I consider to be purchases made out of frustration when a person is tired of being restricted – monetarily or otherwise).
It’s understandable that as the most brutal fear of the recession is seeming to pass for most people, we would emerge on the other side with a pent-up desire to spend. And given some of the reasons above, shoe shopping may actually sound like a good outlet! But consider your motivation, finances – and relationships before you indulge. Don’t seek out spending just for the rush – I tackled this idea of money as related to a dopamine “high” for research for the book “Make up Don’t Break up – as it’s a short-lived thrill and will likely cause even more problems down the road if you’re not equipped long-term to handle the financial pressure of splurge purchases.
Don’t let an innocent desire for the season’s latest style of boots turn into an issue of financial infidelity ~ where one person is dishonest with their partner about finances or purchases something behind their partner’s back. One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the financial process. This can lead to contempt and revenge spending. The important thing is to engage in what I call in my research “Smart Heart Dialogue” – and explain more in depth in the book “Makeup Don’t Break up. It boils down to this: be honest with your partner about your money management and yes, even the temptation to buy a new pair of heels!
While a recession is painful and frustrating – and restricting your spending because of it can be exhausting! – it can be a good time to get back to basics and realize we don’t need the latest trend to come off the runways or an expensive meal to connect with the things and people we care about!
Smart heart skill #5
What to do to prevent the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New years doldrums. Its important to prepare yourself starting now. Take a little time each day to mediate on feeling good during the holiday period and reduce your stress levels.
Smart heart skill #4
Did you know that adultery is up during the holidays?
One of the ways to prevent this is to make sure you go to the party with your partner and not let them go alone and drink. Find out why on Monday and on Tuesday hold that line if tempted.
Smart heart skill #2
Endorphins are released when you “leave someone” and the “fear” ensues, the chase, simulates a rush like in the beginning.
Smartheart skill #3
Endorphins are released when you “leave someone” and the “fear” ensues, the chase, simulates a rush like in the beginning.
Smart Heart Skill #1
The fear of losing her has to be greater then the fear of loving her. This is a technique used by Dr. Bonnie when a partner has trouble with commitment, is narcacistic, or takes you for granted.
Avoid a Pent Up Purchase this Holiday Season
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Have you had your spending reined in? Do you feel like you’re on a short leash, financially? Have you been unable to indulge in the little splurges for yourself or loved ones that you were used to? The economic climate overall is improving, but that doesn’t mean everyone is rebounding ~ in fact, for some people the sting of financial downturn is still fresh, whether it be from a lost job, a foreclosed house, a lifestyle downsize, or any one of a number of things.
As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, this recession hasn’t been all bad, as it’s taught many of us what’s truly important: we’re taking pleasure in the little things like eating meals together instead of going out, watching movies at home with friends instead of splurging on expensive outings, doing crafts with our kids instead of buying them the latest gadget, and so on.
But there’s nothing like the holidays to make you feel the pinch of a pinched penny. This time of year has ALWAYS been a hard one for much of American. People frequently go into debt to buy the perfect gift for themselves or a friend or family member. We throw caution to the wind and plan vacations home, eat meals out, host parties … and make things more stressful than they should be.
As many families are in the midst of needing to cut back, it’s even more of a necessity to live within your means this holiday season, but it’s likely to be even more tempting to overindulge. I call this a Pent Up Purchase. It’s related to a typical symptom of infidelity, the Pissed off Purchase, which I describe in my book Financial Infidelity, and can manifest itself in several ways:
Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing – and the penny pinching many are experiencing – is actually a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.
So where does that leave us, as we stare the holiday season in the eyes? Make sure you’re taking advantage of the GOOD things we can learn from this recession, like I mentioned above. It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle! Spending time with your family – which is often at the core of a memorable holiday experience anyway, even after you strip away the gifts and festivities – can be a good place to start. Or if your family is a source of even MORE stress know your limits and boundaries.
Essentially, the advice that is always relevant during this time of year is even more pertinent now: Take time to rest, to enjoy the season, to be with the people that you love, and let the support of all these things carry you through the stresses you may be feeling about finances, money or the economy.