What’s the Legacy for Tiger Woods’ Children?

Children are intuitive. They are innocent and naïve in a certain way but they also haven’t yet developed the barriers and emotional walls we as adults put up to protect ourselves. They can often sense things are going badly within a family or with their parents before the rest of the world catches on or before anyone tells them anything, they have emotional antennae.  Children may be small but they can feel pain just as much as their parents, in fact, they can feel pain even before their parents if they sense something is wrong.  Such is the case, I suspect, with Tiger Woods’ kids. They are very young and therefore resilient and will hopefully be able to bounce back much quickly because of that, but they are by all means old enough to remember what’s been transpiring concerning their family and to carry that with them throughout the rest of their lives.

Dr. Thomas Fogarty said it best in my book- Adultery the Forgivable Sin “Adultery never happens to one person. It is a systemic event which, if unexamined, will continue to wreak havoc on later generations. If it is a sin, that is why it is sinful.” Adultery is an emotional emptiness passed down from generation to generation via what I call the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection which typically transpires from a combination of stress, separation and loss.  It can effect children of all ages, including even the unborn.

To help children thru the perils of adultery, I developed an innovative theory, specifically for children that can be used starting at age two.  It is called Family Play Therapy and can be done at home.  This therapy is used to cushion the pain a child feels ~ you can read more about it in my book Adultery the Forgivable Sin, and find additional resources for coping with adultery on my website, doctorbonnie.com. If we start looking at adultery as a forgivable sin, then we can manage the hurt and pain that will otherwise be passed down to the next generation.

We often hear that people are “staying together for the kids,” but that is rarely the true, underlying reason. People stay with the cheating spouse/partner because deep down they want to make it work and they believe they CAN get to the bottom of the situation, and work through it. These are valuable sentiments to acknowledge and important in beginning to re-build the relationship, if that’s what the couple chooses to do.

The affair usually comes as a wake-up call to both parties involved. It’s a (rather obvious!) sign that they’re struggling with something else, whether it be a fear of loss – as sees to be the situation in the case of the Edwards’ – dealing with stress – also a possible factor – or even a means of revenge for something else going on in the relationship. Whatever the reason, it’s an obvious turning point and one that can be negotiated around when the couple is willing to get to the bottom of their emotions.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World.  She is the author of the Best Selling book Make Up Don’t Break Up (second edition due out March 2010 with accompanying DVD “Falling in Love and Staying in Love for Singles and Couples” ) as well as Adultery the Forgivable Sin.  For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals into adultery, or more information on her books – please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.

Treatable Sin

What can we learn from the death of Alexander McQueen

As many have heard, the start of fashion week began with a devastating shock to the fashion world.  Alexander McQueen a well known, young, rebellious fashion designer passed away due to suicide.  McQueen has had a hard recent past that may have led to this risk taking venture he took.  Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil says “He was a risk taker, and it doesn’t get any riskier then taking your own life.”  He has dealt with the recent loss of his mother on February 2^nd and was supposed to attend her funeral on the day he took his own life.  Dr. Bonnie believes he “took his own life to be back with his mother again.”

McQueen has suffered loss after loss in which has caused a “domino effect”.  He lost a close friend due to suicide over a year ago, his aunt passed a year ago and now his mother.  Also playing a contributing factor we believe was the recent break up he endured at their same time as he was under tremendous stress trying to finish his autumn fashion line.

What can we learn from this? “There are warning signs that people show” says Dr. Bonnie.

Some warning signs of a friend in need of help:

–  Warning signs are usually there, we just don’t heed them

–  The person is withdrawn, not seeking out contact, and refusing contact but many times saying they are OK.

–  Not eating

–  Not sleeping

–  Harming himself/herself

–  Unkempt

–  Lethargic

–  No interest or zest for life

–  Occasionally a person will threaten to harm themselves but not always

McQueen stayed in bed for a week prior to his demise, which was a warning sign.  If we know somebody showing signs such as these that have endured dramatic stress, loss and separation we should seek help for them.  Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has studied the result of stress, loss and separation.  It can affect health, life, relationships and family.  Don’t let that happen to you or your family!

Dr. Bonnie author of Make Up Don’t Break Up, 2^nd edition due out March 2010 (with accompanying DVD within the book; How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples).  Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World.

For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals out of control please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.

Have a snowed in affair with your own partner

Andrew Young Covers for Edwards

Prior to John Edwards accepting paternity of the daughter he fathered with a woman working on his campaign, his aide had accepted responsibility for this child. On the eve of his aide, Andrew Young, releasing a tell-all memoir (which he’ll be discussing this week on 20/20) that was set to reveal Edwards as the real father – among other admissions and accusations we’ll likely just have to wait to find out about – Edwards himself finally made his guilty admission: that in addition to having an affair he copped to last year, he had also fathered a child.

These denials, cover-ups, subsequent admissions, more lies and cover-ups and more admissions indicate is likely trying to work through some severely emotional problems. Of course, all affairs and lies are wrong, upsetting and emotionally draining, but it’s likely to get blown out of proportion into an even wider scope when the cycle of stress, lies and affairs is perpetuated by someone in the spotlight ~ and when more and more drama is piled on as the lies compound.

I think it’s time that we as a society began to look at adultery for what it truly is: an addiction. Just like no other addiction should be excused or justified, so must we demand restitution for infidelity. But looking at it as an addiction or disease will also help us understand and treat the problem.

We need to stop glamorizing adultery, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

Adultery, like many other diseases, can be triggered by feelings of stress, separation and loss. Here again, these are all things Edwards has experienced and – because of his role in the public eye – experienced at an intense degree. The stress of his job not to mention the stress of attempting to run a presidential campaign. The fear of separation from his wife as she battled cancer. The loss of a child he fathered with Elizabeth. This things have all likely played out to their conclusion, resulting in the affair and subsequent attempted cover-up.

One of the things we can learn from the fall from grace is that we need to learn to articulate what we’re feeling before it’s too late.  It’s likely that Edwards subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing the election or losing his wife or losing his son – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear and loss by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.