Addictions
Melanie Griffith is in People Magazine speaking on her addiction. She says she is clean but will always have a drug problem, she must keep it under control. Dr. Bonnie says “Addictions are a lifelong problem and you can keep it in check. There are ways to substitute addictions to healthier addictions such as exercise etc. It takes a change in diet, supplements and meditation.” It is a lifelong problem as everyone these days are under various types of stress. Melanie Griffith had a knee injury that led to her recent drug addiction to pain medications.
Some statistics according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
(SAMHSA)
* 22 million Americans have a substance abuse or dependency problem
* Only 2.5 million of them enter a hospital or clinic for treatment
* Number one drug of abuse in the United States: Marijuana
* Number two drug of abuse in the United States: prescription painkillers
For further information tune into A&E on the documentary Dr. Bonnie is in speaking about Melanie Griffith and her addiction. Also more information can be found in Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery, Make Up Don’t Break Up and Adultery the Forgivable Sin. Information on adultery and addictions can also be found on www.doctorbonnie.com
Side-step Financial Infidelity
Here’s a statistic that may surprise you, especially given today’s economic climate: in 25% of households, women are earning more than their male counter-parts. This could also be especially due to today’s economy given that the men in these households may be out of work while their wives and partners remain employed. According to a New York Times study done early in the recession, as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce. And the pendulum is swinging again, re-writing gender roles and our relationship to money.
Typically, as men have been the breadwinners, they find themselves more defined by money and their earning power. But as the statistics above show, we need to change the way we look at male-female power dynamics. We need a new way to navigate the shift in power due to male-female role reversal and the resulting power dynamic that now faces both couples and singles.
Finances have long been at the root of much relational difficulty, and with this shift, it’s becoming even more important to identify your money patterns and define what areas of your relationship tend toward Financial Infidelity. This is a form of cheating that’s often so subtle, people don’t know they’re engaging in it, yet it can be just as devastating as a physical affair.
In my book, Financial Infidelity, I define this type of infidelity as going behind your partner’s back when it comes to your finances. What this looks like in practice varies for each couple; for couples who are on a tight budget it can mean withdrawing $20 extra at the grocery store and using it for something personal. Or it can be as dramatic as not telling your significant other about a work bonus with the idea of keeping it for yourself. I call this the “money mistress.”
Of course there are many other ways this can manifest itself and a lot of it has to do with how our relationships toward money were cultivated in our early years. This is where what I call “Financial Imago” comes in. “Imago” is a term that references the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for.
Coined by Harville Hendrix, the term is the Latin word for “image.” As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple. In order to do this, you have to understand the ways you’re both prone to deal with money – and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.
To do this successfully, I suggest engaging in Smart Heart Dialogue. with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced?
But as with any significant change – whether culturally or within your own relationship – tradition, habits and patterns are heard to break so be sensitive and tread lightly.
For more about Imago and the other techniques mentioned in this article, visit https://www.doctorbonnie.com.
Also be sure to catch Dr. Bonnie’s advice on the Today Show:
Larry King’s Legacy
News broke this week that Larry King will be getting his eighth divorce due to a supposed affair with his sister-in-law. Reports are also being made the King’s wife, Shawn Southwick, committed adultery as well. King is also reported to have given Southwick’s sister over $100K in gifts, including an expensive car. From ABC News:
“On Wednesday, King filed for divorce for the eighth time (he married wife Alene Akins twice), this time from Shawn Southwick, 50, with whom he has two children, Chance and Cannon King. Later the same day, Southwick also filed for divorce. Both spouses claimed irreconcilable differences.”
These accusations carry with them the baggage of previous failed relationships and an attitude that appears to treat relationships as impermanent; as well as a penchant for financial infidelity. While most of us will likely not be faced with such extravagant, extreme acts in our relationships, that doesn’t mean we can’t fall subject to these things – financial infidelity – on a smaller scale. In fact here’s how I describe financial infidelity in my book of the same name, when I see it in most of my clients (who aren’t throwing about $100K on their spouses siblings!).
It can be as simple and mundane as keeping $20 for yourself when you go to deposit a check or it can be as complicated and public as keeping a woman in every city – or even just one city! The basic idea underlying financial infidelity is that it’s something you’re trying to keep from your significant other. To some, a $20 withdrawal may not be a big deal but if that’s beyond what you’ve discussed in your personal relationship as being over the limit then it’s a form of financial infidelity.
We see the extreme behavior frequently from people in the public eye, but in my research I’ve found that anyone in facing stress, separation or loss is susceptible to this behavior and, let’s face it, nowadays who among us isn’t a little stressed. I call it the Biochemical Craving for Connection, and I treat it as an addiction. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.
Fortunately, I believe any relationship can be saved and while it appears that Larry King and his wife have already drawn their lines in the sand, the same doesn’t have to happen if you’re experiencing similar circumstances. There are numerous techniques on how to deal with these situations, many of which can be found in my book Make Up Don’t Break Up. Communication with your partner is key in resolving these issues – and in preventing them from happening again!
Another one bites the dust: Confronting the affair disease
Add to the list of recent exposed cheaters NFL star and Today show correspondent Tiki Barber. He joins the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards – and these are just the people who’ve been exposed recently. Every time we turn around it seems someone larger than life is being brought down by confessions or allegations of infidelity. Barber announced he’s leaving his wife of 11 years (who’s eight months pregnant with twins, I might add!) for his 23-year-old mistress, a former NBC intern. It seems like infidelity is spreading like an epidemic and I do believe infidelity and adultery can be treated like a disease, brought into the light, discussed and thereby hopefully rehabbing those who have faced it or succumbed to it. In fact, not long ago it was discovered that there’s a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners, thereby making them less or more likely to be disposed to infidelity.
As I make clear in all my work, connecting infidelity to a gene, or labeling it as a disease does not give the perpetrator a free pass – it merely serves to help us better understand the cause and effect and to treat it effectively instead of continuing the trend of leaving devastated relationships in its wake. As we’ve seen, adultery is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Typically, those in the spotlight have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress, and nowadays with all of juggling so many things, it doesn’t take being a politician or an actor of a sports star to fall into the cycle of adultery. It feeds off what I call the biochemical craving for connection.
If you’re in the habit of not addressing your subconscious feelings, people often look instead for that next thrill-seeking high. The quest for this high becomes all-consuming even though to a rational mind the quest seems quite dangerous. Similar to alcoholics and other addicts, those who are dealing with the affair disease are frequently putting everything on the line for that next fix.
Of course there are other factors at work here – like if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.
This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting AGAINST however you have to – through therapy, support groups or counseling.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World. For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals into adultery, please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.
What lies ahead for Jesse and Sandra?
With his marriage to Sandra Bullock on the rocks and alleged mistresses (4 to date) coming out in every tabloid, Jesse James has decided to check himself into a rehab clinic. It is reported he has checked himself into the same clinic as Tiger Woods has. Jesse is hoping this will help repair the relations between him and Sandra Bullock. It is mentioned that Sandra does not handle humiliation very well and that this stint in rehab may not be enough to reconcile their relationship. Only time will tell what the legacy of them will be.
As I stated with Tiger Woods, “Jesse has a disease that can be treated, he has to work for it for the rest of his life if he wants to have a good career, happy and healthy family. This disease is treatable by balancing brain chemicals to relieve this stress that causes a Biochemical Craving for Connection.”
To learn more on the Bio Chemcial Craving for Connection, the Discovery Channel is airing a show April 4th titled “Unfaithful”. This documentary is starring Dr. Bonnie and 2 of her patients who have committed adultery. Learn how to prevent Cybersex and look for warning signs, Dr. Bonnie says “Just because your significant other is home with you, doesn’t mean they are being faithful.”
Shocking statistics show that 38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversion and 50% have made contact via phone with someone they chatted with online. Also 70% of time online is spent in chat rooms or sending emails, a vast majority are romantic in nature. More statistics like these can be found in Make Up Don’t Break Up, 2nd edition (in stores now) (with accompanying DVD; How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples).
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World. For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals into adultery, please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.
What lies ahead for the daughter of Jesse James?
Children have emotional antennae, and they can sense pain and trouble before their parents. The way to help a child through a separation or troubled relations with their parents is thru my theory called “Family Play Therapy. Family Play Therapy is used to cushion the pain a child feels- you can read more about it in my book Adultery the Forgivable Sin.
Children are the symptom bearer of the family, and the child may act out and be very confused. For the case of Sandra Bullock and the 5 year old daughter of Jesse James, it is best if Sandra Bullock continues a close relationship with the child and communicate with Jesse over the child. It is also very hard for Sandra to throw the relationship away she has with the child. She helped fight very hard for her in the custody battle between Jesse James and the mother Janine Lindemulder in 2009.
Tiger Woods and Jesse James are just examples of this society. Sadly, Latest statistics show that 80% of marriages suffer through the ever-growing addiction… adultery. Adultery is caused by stress, loss and separation which leads to the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection. It is greater in risk taking and high profile individuals, as it is a “self medicating thrill seeking high”. Heavily tattooed, motorcycle shop owner- Jesse James filled his risk taking tendencies by indulging in sexual acts with a growing number of women.
When are we going to see this as a disease? It is an epidemic, it is curable. It needs to be seen as a chemical and emotional disease. It is caused by an emptiness that is passed down from generation to generation. We can treat this addiction by balancing the brain chemicals chemically and emotionally. People want to bask in those same hormones they had when they first met. You can bask in those same hormones… but do it with your own partner!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World. She is the author of the Best Selling book Make Up Don’t Break Up (second edition due out March 2010 with accompanying DVD “Falling in Love and Staying in Love for Singles and Couples”) as well as Adultery the Forgivable Sin. Dr. Bonnie focuses on couples, singles and families (including children and her innovative theory- Family Play Therapy) – please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.
COMING UP: Discovery Health Channel “Unfaithful” featuring Dr. Bonnie and her patients on adultery/cybersex. 9pm EST, April 4th