Is Your Choice of Divorce Really Your Fear of Reconciliation?
This is the continuation of my previous post.
How you and your partner answer the next questions, how much effort you are willing to put in, will decide reconciliation or divorce.
Ask yourself and your partner these questions BEFORE, you make any decision about divorce or reconciliation.
- Are you leaving mainly because you can’t deal with the uncertainty any longer?
- Are you leaving because you just want to take any action, even if it is not the right action?
- Are you leaving because of confusion or hurt?
- Are you leaving because of emotional exhaustion?
- Are you leaving mainly because the hurt has numbed your love?
- Do you feel not in love anymore, even though you fell in love once and you married for love?
- Are you leaving mainly due to stubbornness, which is preventing you from rebuilding and reconciling?
- Is your indecisiveness—not knowing who to choose—causing you to leave those whom you love?
- Are you leaving mainly because your partner refuses professional help? Are you aware that sometimes the runaway is slow to come around and you, the pursuer, need to lead?
- Do you see that divorce doesn’t solve your problem?
- Do you feel blame gives you more control, and you can’t get beyond this?
- Are you leaving mainly because you believe getting rid of a person is getting rid of your problem?
- Do you understand the fragile nature of relationships and the skills necessary to do it differently?
- Do you know divorce doesn’t always end a relationship, especially if you have children?
If there are more yes’s than no’s you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. If there are more no’s than yes’s, your marriage probably can be saved, so work harder.
Take the time to recapture that love underneath the anger and hurt you are now feeling.
If you are thinking about dumping your husband or partner, think very hard about your reasoning.
The questions above come from my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, Chapter 16 – “When the Forgivable Sin Is Not Forgivable” if you would like to read more about saving your marriage.
As I stated in my previous post, most marriages/relationships can be saved even with adultery. Most people leave instead of working harder.
They don’t know where to start or how to reconnect when anger and hurt, numb the Love and Connection.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and I also I talk more about that in Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.
I’m asking couples to melt hearts by melting grudges. Hold hands, not grudges. These tips can be found in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, Chapter 22 “Repairing The Damage” (pages 307, 308, & 309 one if the physical book) where I state that grudges come from trying to gain control and trying to cover up the pain, the hurt, and the anger and they never work. That’s why forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Remember that it will take a while to get those feelings back, that doesn’t mean that love is gone. Positive actions can negate the grudge.
Whatever you do and practice the most you become. That is why positive thinking and being grateful is so important, even if you don’t feel romantic, be romantic, take action steps and your loving romantic positive feelings will follow.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Your Marriage can be saved!
As the new year is ushered in it brings sadness to countless families who are faced with divorce. During the month of January, without fail, the majority of my new clients come to me because they want a divorce or their partner wants a divorce and they do not.
There’s always hope, most of the time even if one partner has given up from frustration and exhaustion and the other has hope and helps the one who has given up.
I introduce couples at a crossroads in their relationship to my Smartheart skills and dialogues which are easy to learn but usually foreign to most couples.
You both believed in your marriage and its foundation when you fell in love, piggyback on that and learn how to nurture and not take each other for granted. Put the effort needed daily into this sacred relationship, creating true love to last a lifetime.
I often share my love story, and that of my parents highlighting all the “potholes” as an inspiration to others so they too can walk the walk and find their way back to each other. So, before you decide to leave your marriage, sometimes from pride or exhaustion, you need to try, try, try and try again!
Take the time to recapture that LOVE underneath the anger and hurt you are now feeling.
If you are thinking about dumping your husband/wife or partner, think very hard about your reasoning.
Stay tuned for more in my upcoming post…
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
How to score a touchdown with your partner during the football playoffs
I recommend making love (having sex) during halftime, give it a try you might be pleasantly surprised.
30 million viewers or more usually watch the football playoffs starting this Saturday and Sunday. Making love burns calories to offset by your fixing your partner’s and your favorite food during the playoffs. You can do your own “tackling” and cuddling while watching which elicits that cuddle hormone ” oxytocin,” that gives a “rush” and a real “high,” equivalent to the touchdown of the playoffs.
Every savvy woman knows how much football means to her partner, so if you can’t lick ’em join ’em. This is a great way to connect with him during halftime. If you support his passion, the “passion” will be returned in spades to you.
Here are some Smartheart tips from my Make Up, Don’t Break Up book to encourage those Pom poms, even if you need to “dust” them off. Make halftime your time with these skills that I call the “running drills.”
- Stay on the sidelines as you watch, no talking at all and especially avoiding hot topics. There is only one announcer allowed, and that’s the one on the television.
- As my grandma always said, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so surprise him with his favorites during the games. The PEA in dark chocolate is a high full of antioxidants and acts as an aphrodisiac for “touching down,” try it.
- Another thing you can do is to read up on what team is playing, who the quarterback and running backs are. Your partner will be amused and feel closer to you that you took the interest by prioritizing what’s important to him. You can also download the NFL app for stats and predictions, and you will see doing this might even affect him remembering a card and celebrating valentine’s day with you as you like it. One of my patients got a proposal after watching football with her partner without moaning and complaining. She even said that this gets her the academy award for a lifetime. A trophy from her partner!
Enjoy the games this weekend!
I would love to hear how everything turned out. Please feel free to email me and share your experiences.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert known as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. US Commerce Association voted Dr. Bonnie Best Therapist 2011-2017.
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.