Beware of December 23rd: Mistress Day

Consider this a heads up to wives: beware of December 23rd. Pre Christmas Day is Mistress Day, says marriage and relationship therapist, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.

You may be looking forward to a special Christmas Day, but your husband may be keeping someone else out late the night before. According to AOL reports, December 23rd is possibly busier for florists, restaurant reservations, and lingerie stores because men, especially those with the Madonna-mistress complex, are wining and dining their mistresses just before Christmas.

The mistress feels like the second fiddle being honored on the 23rd, so often the husband over corrects to alleviate the guilt of “sloppy seconds.” He might buy lavish and romantic presents for her like diamonds and jewelry, while the wife gets a more “practical” gift like a blender or vacuum cleaner. According to research done by Ashley Madison, a website created for “discreet encounters,” cheating husbands are likely to spend over 2 times the amount of money on their mistresses compared to gifts for their wives. Dr. Bonnie says this is to pacify the mistresses who are relegated to “leftover time,” as most of his time is spent at work or with family. The husband uses gifts to make up for her lack of status.

Dr. Bonnie wants you to heed the warning signs of Christmas Mistress Day. Pay attention if you’re noticing late nights in mid-December, vagueness about his whereabouts, or a distant and distracted partner. The husband may even be taking his wife out to the exact same restaurant for Christmas Eve as he did his mistress the night before. Same maitre d, same waiter, same food, different woman! Dr. Bonnie explains the Madonna Mistress complex, as found in Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, as a symptom of men “splitting” their wives in half emotionally. The wife is the madonna–she is put on a pedestal as mother and caretaker of him and his children. The mistress fulfills his need for thrill seeking, mystery, novelty. She is used for excitement and physical desires. Men with this complex might forget romantic touches like a card, chocolates, or flowers, but will fulfill their perfunctory duty by taking their partners out to dinner. Some other warning signs of the madonna-mistress complex include a partner’s physical rejection, even when the other is wearing lingerie or “spicing things up,” rejecting date night, or provoking arguments when wife is playful or flirty. He comes late into marital bed nightly after wife asleep, “jumps “out of bed before wife awakes to go to the gym, makes sure he is not alone with wife, brings family along always, is “tired” for face to face, or is a workaholic. Maybe, conversations revolve around work or children only. If these warning signs are familiar, seek out counseling as the relationship is ripe for an affair. Adultery can be prevented, treated, and forgiven if it is caught early, and the adulterer stops the behavior and shows remorse. Dr. Bonnie advocates having an affair with your own partner to avoid what she calls the “Biochemical Craving for Connection” with a mistress (as demonstrated in Oprah and Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful“).

She recommends using SmartHeart skills from “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” to prevent adultery and become a mistress instead of only a madonna.

It is important to go out with your husband. Make no excuses. Dress up and don’t talk about problems, kids, or money. Use the time to connect and court intimacy.

Do not drink alcohol during a rough patch. It is a depressant and makes you more confrontational and aggressive when talking about your problems with each other.

Sometimes, make sure to be more of a mistress than a caretaker. Don’t give unwanted advice.

Recreate those same brain chemicals you had when you first fell in love, back when you were in the honeymoon stage.

A simple 20-second hug will rejuvenate dopamine and leave you with a fully alive, happy feeling. A 30-second kiss produces oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” making partners feel bonded and safe with each other. Keep falling in love with your own partner by having an affair with your own partner.

How to Avoid Holiday Stress

Too much togetherness? Stress for the holidays – Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years

Family time is a time to cherish but through the holidays it can cause stress. Follow the tips below provided by relationship therapist Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil to make it through the upcoming holidays.

Whether or not you typically look forward to the holidays, spending time with family can cause added stress. Don’t fret or feel guilty if you feel anxious or dread. “There can be such a thing as too much togetherness”, says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil. Fortunately there are a few tips and tricks to balance even the most volatile of family functions – just remember, “expectations of ‘one big happy family’ can kill the holidays if people try too hard to force the issue,” says Dr. Bonnie. Time together should be natural, not forced. To that end, here are a dozen tips to help families through the holidays.

1. Have activities planned. The Nintendo Wii is the perfect example – families can communicate and be active, but still minimize expectations of intimacy

2. Stay away from heavy topics such as politics and other hot-button issues.

3. Keep things light – avoid confrontation.

4. For people that have had a previous falling out with a family member, call ahead to smooth things over a few weeks before the family event, and don’t discuss it at the event.

5. Call ahead if you look forward to particular food and offer to bring it. Remind your family of the ritual of your favorite dish!

6. If you come from a chaotic, dysfunctional family keep visits short and stay at a hotel.

7. When possible host holiday gatherings on your own turf so you have control – and don’t offer your home up for people to stay there.

8. Everything in balance to avoid arguments. Remember: drinking and sugary holiday goodies can lead people to be more argumentative.

9. You don’t have to be super woman or man. It’s OK to ask for help before or hire help. Hosts should talk over the expectations and agenda with their partner and kids so everyone’s clear on the role that they’ll play.

10. Tell people what to bring to minimize cost or duplicates on the part of the host.

11. Remember: Different strokes for different folks – ask people to bring movies that they like, and even extra DVD players to mitigate argument and conflict.

12. If Aunt Edie brings her favorite inedible cake, tell her it’s so special you want to freeze and save for the New Year (so you don’t have to serve it). Same with a non-drinkable bottle of wine.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists and US Commerce association as Manhattan’s best therapist. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.

Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN.

Dr. Bonnie is also available for phone therapy. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.

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