Consider this a heads up to wives: “Beware of February 13th. Pre Valentine’s Day is Mistress Day”, says marriage and relationship therapist, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil.
You may be looking forward to a romantic, special Valentine’s Day, but your husband may be keeping someone else out late the night before. According to AOL reports, February 13th is possibly busier than February 14th for florists, restaurant reservations, and lingerie stores because men, especially those with the Madonna-mistress complex, are wining and dining their mistresses.
The mistress feels like the second fiddle being honored on the 13th, so often the husband over corrects to alleviate the guilt of “sloppy seconds.” He might buy lavish and romantic presents for her like diamonds and jewelry, while the wife gets a more “practical” gift like a blender or vacuum cleaner. According to research done by Ashley Madison, a website created for “discreet encounters,” cheating husbands are likely to spend over 2 times the amount of money on their mistresses compared to gifts for their wives. Dr. Bonnie says this is to pacify the mistresses who are relegated to “leftover time,” as most of his time is spent at work or with family. The husband uses gifts to make up for her lack of status.
Dr. Bonnie wants you to heed the warning signs of Mistress Day. Pay attention if you’re noticing late nights on February 13th, vagueness about his whereabouts, or a distant and distracted partner. The husband may even be taking his wife out to the exact same restaurant for Valentine’s Day as he did his mistress the night before. Same maitre d, same waiter, same food, different woman! Dr. Bonnie explains the Madonna Mistress complex, as found in Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, as a symptom of men “splitting” their wives in half emotionally. The wife is the madonna–she is put on a pedestal as mother and caretaker of him and his children. The mistress fulfills his need for thrill seeking, mystery, novelty. She is used for excitement and physical desires.
Men with this complex might forget romantic touches like a card, chocolates, or flowers, but will fulfill their perfunctory duty by taking their partners out to dinner. He might have to be reminded about the holiday or the wife may have to make the dinner reservation. Some other warning signs of the madonna-mistress complex include a partner’s physical rejection, even when the other is wearing lingerie or “spicing things up,” rejecting date night, or provoking arguments when wife is playful or flirty. He comes late into marital bed nightly after wife asleep, “jumps “out of bed before wife awakes to go to the gym, makes sure he is not alone with wife, brings family along always, is “tired” for face to face, or is a workaholic. Maybe, conversations revolve around work or children only. If these warning signs are familiar, seek out counseling as the relationship is ripe for an affair. Adultery can be prevented, treated, and forgiven if it is caught early, and the adulterer stops the behavior and shows remorse. Dr. Bonnie advocates having an affair with your own partner to avoid what she calls the “Biochemical Craving for Connection” with a mistress (as demonstrated in Oprah and Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful”).
She recommends using SmartHeart skills from “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” to prevent adultery and become a mistress instead of only a madonna.
It is important to go out with your husband. Make no excuses. Dress up and don’t talk about problems, kids, or money. Use the time to connect and court intimacy.
Do not drink alcohol during a rough patch. It is a depressant and makes you more confrontational and aggressive when talking about your problems with each other.
Sometimes, make sure to be more of a mistress than a caretaker. Don’t give unwanted advice.
Recreate those same brain chemicals you had when you first fell in love, back when you were in the honeymoon stage. A simple 20-second hug will rejuvenate dopamine and leave you with a fully alive, happy feeling. A 30-second kiss produces oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” making partners feel bonded and safe with each other. Keep falling in love with your own partner by having an affair with your own partner.
For more information on SmartHeart skills and the madonna in marriage, check out her book, winner of NYTimes Reader’s Choice Award, “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples” for more magic in marriage.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists and US Commerce association. Manhattan best therapist. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.
Dr. Bonnie is available for relationship therapy via phone. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
