How Indulging in Cake Could Lead to More this Holiday Season
Adultery is up in epidemic proportions during the holidays because love making has no calories – and everyone is tempted to indulge. Throughout the holiday season, indulging in things like chocolate cake at midnight becomes the norm. That indulgence is stress-busting and self-medicating and these indulgent behaviors can lead to adultery. Sugar highs can result in addictive behavior, releasing what I call “a biochemical craving for connection.” The biochemical craving for connection, which has to do with stress, loss, and separation translate into thrill-seeking, self-medicating and stress-busting addictive behavior. It is similar to the rush that is obtained through drinking alcohol, committing adultery, and financial infidelity – shopping ‘til you drop.
The consumption of sugar in the United States has climbed dramatically every single year, with a steady climb upwards since 1980 according to the U.S.D.A. Additionally, Stephan Guyenet and research partner Jeremy Landen calculated that with over sixty pounds of sweeteners being consumed on average each year per person, the resulting diet of an average American by the year 2606 will be comprised of 100% sugar. Eating too much fructose and glucose can turn off the gene that regulates the levels of active testosterone and estrogen in the body. Sugar, which will turn off that gene, will impede you having an affair your own partner. Instead, you will turn to thrill-seeking with forbidden fruit (not your own partner). Those two statistics combined do not fare well for the intimacy of Americans in the future. Reducing or avoiding all sugar during the holidays is challenging, but may be necessary – especially if you’re prone to temptation.
For more about Dr. Bonnie’s theory on the Biochemical Craving for Connection, watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUuN96_jBqc and read her book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up
Holiday Proof Your Marriage
New York, NY (PRWEB)
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Make Up Don’t Break Up, warns couples that they must “holiday proof” their marriage and family in these economically challenging times. The tips she provides in this release can save your family from being the next peril of divorce.
“Holiday stress coupled with money anxiety is a set up for marital problems,” warns Dr. Bonnie. There is a direct correlation between stress and behavior that can be detrimental to relationships. From drinking too much, over eating, lack of sleep, and a myriad of other stress related behaviors a marriage on the brink can suffer irreparable damage.
Dr. Bonnie suggests that couples engage in activities that counteract the stresses many couples are sure to experience this holiday season. “Kiss more, hold more, and look for activities that create playful fun that aren’t costly.” Dr. Bonnie also recommends that couples tell the truth to their extended friends, family and children about their economic situation. “Don’t write checks you don’t have money for. Send a card with a loving sentiment instead of gifts. Friends and family will understand, and are most likely in similar economic situations.”
Another stress to marriages is unhappy kids who act out. Parents must also realize that their children feel stress, and busy parents miss the cues. “According to a 2009 study, (http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2009/11/stress.aspx), teens and tweens were more likely than parents to say that their stress had increased in the last year. Nearly half of the teens surveyed ages 13-17 said that they worried more this year, but only 28 percent of parents think their teen’s stress increased, and while a quarter of tweens ages 8-12 said they worried more this year, only 17 percent of parents believed their tween’s stress had increased. “This has two implications. Children are more stressed than ever, and parents aren’t aware,” explains Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie recommends that parents have healthy and honest discussions with their children about their fears and concerns, and teach appropriate behaviors to relieve stress, like playing ball instead of video games. Physical activity releases stress, while sitting exacerbates it.
Make Up Don’t Break Up offers communication tips, and assists couples develop skills to stay together when faced with adversity and the stressors of daily life.
Today is Giving Tuesday!
Today is Giving Tuesday!
So how can you give? also by receiving! In order to love you have to be able to RECEIVE the “giving” from your partner whether emotionally or even a surprise. Many givers have trouble receiving. I like to give this exercise today on Giving Tuesday: surprise your partner with a gift–like a book or a thoughtful knick knack and practice how it feels to give and receive. There is a dopamine rush when we give, called the “helper’s high.” My father described that when he gave and instilled in me the peace we feel when we give, which is why I became a therapist! Take today to give, do something like say hi or smile to a child or elderly person you see, or help an elderly person cross the street. Give to your loved one and remember work on feeling more comfortable receiving. My book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and online education to-go course, Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success: http://www.ed2go.com/online-cour…/marriage-and-relationships describes this rush. Sometimes, the dopamine rush we seek out , exhibits itself in a dysfunctional way. Giving will give you same rush some people get from adultery or financial infidelity. Tis the season to give , but make sure to give and receive all year round!!
Beware of Financial Infidelity During the Holiday Season!
With Black Friday and Cyber Monday coming to a close, beware of the financial infidelity that can come along with increased opportunities to shop. Whether as a way to keep track of wish lists for a certain store that then make shopping in-person easier with shorter lines; or buying the items directly from mobile sites, more people will be wired in to their devices. This can increase instances of financial infidelity – and make it easier – during an already high-risk time.
I coined Financial Infidelity to describe the financial betrayal that can happen when one or both partners spend money behind the other’s back. It’s a form of infidelity that’s so subtle, people often don’t realize they’re cheating – and it is especially high during the holidays. This is partly due to increased pressure to spend, thanks to days like Black Friday, as well as the desire to find the perfect gift in order to please people. Financial Infidelity is higher around the holidays because there are so many temptations to spend, but if families and couples can go into this season with a game plan for saving money, then everyone wins!
Shopping, whether in person, online, or via a mobile device, and saving money is often like a game. When people get a good deal they feel like they’re winning, and often they are! It’s profitable for people to get great deals on items they would regularly buy at their normal price. Shopping this way during the holiday season can prove to be cost effective. But, as with everything, it should be practiced in moderation, lest it be used as a compulsive way to fill a void.
Utilizing technology to be more efficient and get good deals are great alternatives to other forms of thrill-seeking that tend to emerge around the holidays. However, people need to be careful of the additional pitfalls: People often “shop till they drop” (instead of just shopping for what they need), or turn to cheating to get an unhealthy high. Additionally, mobile shopping can be utilized as a way to hide purchases from significant others, whether it’s an overly extravagant purchase for yourself, or even for a mistress. The dark side of the holiday season is that inhibitions tend to be down, stress levels are up, and people suffering from stress, separation and loss are looking to fill a void. Instead of indulging these feelings, go for healthy highs that have a positive influence.
For more on infidelity – financial and otherwise – check out my book, “Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker”, or “Make Up Don’t Break Up” with a free video download, “Falling in Love and Staying in Love.”
Recognizing Cheating Over the Holiday Weekend
The 4th of July should be a time for family, food, and good friends. But wives might find their partner distracted if he’s engaged in or contemplating an affair. Look at the cheater that is trying to pull one over on all parties involved: “The guy who takes his wedding ring off and goes ‘on the hunt’ is especially troublesome, like the “indie cheater;” that’s one of the most sneaky and narcissistic things he could do because he is lying to not only his wife but his potential mistress.” Fortunately, since the summer months have arrived, a ring-finger suntan will be a tell-tale sign that this type of cheater should be wearing a wedding ring.
Aside from sneaking around during time that should be spent with family, “indie cheaters” are a particularly troubling kind of narcissist because they’re out to hurt so many people. It’s imperative that people know when they’re dealing with a narcissist, and how to handle the situation.
Narcissism is a type of bullying, and leaves everyone betrayed. Usually someone who engages in this type of behavior devalues others and may even be trying to hurt their partner. “It’s a drastic form of bullying,” she says.
To nip narcissism in the bud, look out for these warning signs this holiday – or any time:
Do they turn the activities or conversations back to themselves?
Do they feel entitled?
Do they shut down and ignore other people?
This behavior comes from the Biochemical Craving for Connection, which I discuss in my book “Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery.” It pushes people toward a thrill-seeking high to make up for stress, loss, and separation they feel in their lives. Partners dealing with a narcissist should engage in my Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue – “Learn the right questions to ask so this person begins to tell the truth, and begins to see their behavior for what it is.”
And as for the potential mistress, take a look at his ring finger. If there’s a suntan line, chances are he’s married and trying to pull the wool over the eyes of both his wife AND you by lying and saying he’s unmarried.
For more tips from on how to handle a narcissist, click here: , or check out my book “Make Up Don’t Break Up.”
The Dating Blues
Dating can be a drag and you can get depressed because you have hope you will meet the person of your dreams and that doesn’t usually happen right away. Instead you had a boring evening and would rather have stayed home and washed your hair. My mom always told me it only takes one, but which one? Where? How? Actually you probably will meet him when you do not expect it–maybe at a bus stop, on the subway, at a wedding, or even the salad bar. If only the wall would come down. If you have one great date or experience you could desensitize yourself to rejection, and make sure to keep a sense of humor about it. It’s important not to stereotype and smile, look in his eyes and say hello, do not walk away (it only hurts for a little while),be positive, it only takes one! Yes, women you can make the first move! Men are actually more sensitive to rejection. Good luck and let me know how it goes. Be sure to check out my dating book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” for more tips.
The Little Things: Part 2
Just today, I was lucky enough to be driven in a car service by a wonderful man who is married 29 years happily and whose sentiments echoed the one’s I spoke of yesterday. He spoke to me about how a good marriage is about doing those “big” little things daily, like helping his wife in the kitchen, telling her he loves her everyday, picking her up from work so she does not take the bus, sharing finances, not keeping “score”, never going to bed mad, walking in her shoes even if they do not fit, and not arguing if she feels different but understanding instead. He told me “I can’t wait to come home to her and hug her hello, and eat dinner with her.”
This is a man after my own heart. All of those same mini connections are also how my husband behaves. That behavior propelled us to write our “SmartHeart” skills and tools for all of you to emulate in “Make Up Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.” The driver and I spoke some more about how sometimes people give up too easily and divorce, and how important it is to work at it. It’s not hard to be nice and loving instead of vengeful and angry. It’s also better for your health!
Why Staying Married is Worth the Challenge!
New research on marriage in this week’s issue of Time Magazine, discussed how to stay married and why no matter the challenge, it’s worth it! Belinda Luscombe’s article speaks to the expectations that are are so much higher than they once were, which is why more effort needs to be put in than ever before. I always tell patients your partner needs to enhance who you are and let you be your true self! In other words: you’re better together as it brings out the best in each of you separately and together. In line with my writings on adultery, the research shows that adultery can be seen as a forgivable sin, but remorse, an end to the affair, and reconciliation are paramount. Marrieds have greater health, finances, sex lives, and overall happiness than singles, and I see this in my practice. I have seen couples reach real life love when they are more gentle and kind with each other. When the power struggle is gone and good will takes over, it reminds couples of how it was in the beginning when they first met each other. Sarcastic remarks or tones in a contemptuous way corrode marriages and without respect, love erodes. I speak about this in “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course on Marriage and Relationships: keys to success http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships. The first and most important thing to decide is that divorce is not an option. This is what I did with my husband of 27 years. Because of that, we work through things differently, with that commitment and love leading the way. Men need to be educated to do the emotional heavy lifting in order to make a relationship last the test of time–it’s what I call “connectable by instruction.” Fair fighting is important! Polite marriages are higher in adultery. Conflict and passion often go hand-in-hand. Sex is important too! Many married couples make the mistake of turning into only a friendship. We need to reawaken those endorphins you experienced when you first fell in love. You can have both, but you need to set aside time for this. It’s key to compartmentalize this from problems, and do not mix the two!
Corden’s Carpool Karaoke as Couples Therapy
James Corden’s carpool karaoke is an aphrodisiac and stand in or mandatory exercise for my couples therapy. His free spirit and spontaneity are contagious, and allow the child in all of us come out and play. This is so important for “stuck” couples to piggyback off of. I have couples participate in carpool karaoke as a part of my couples exercise. It acts as both a stress reliever and romance enhancer . Why? It solves one of the biggest issue couples fight over in the car–directions! Couples are copycatting the sing along on trips rather than fighting over directions. Thank you James! Thank you for romancing all my couples! You are saving marriages now without a psych degree!
Women who have been cheated on.
A study reported by Fox News that was conducted by Binghamton University and the University of London reported that women who have been cheated on can do better in the long run if they have gotten over their anger and plus if they have learned better life skills and learned how to be treated.