Make Up Don’t Break Up wins Reader’s Choice Award for Best Dating Book 2010
Make Up Don’t Break Up wins Reader’s Choice Award for Best Dating Book 2010
Best selling author and founder of Imago Relationship International Dr. Harville Hendrix, PhD (dubbed the “Marriage Whisperer” by Oprah) writes in the foreword: “This is among the most helpful, complete, and positive manuals for saving a relationship that I have seen.”
New York, NY………Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love by Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD is the 2010 winner of the Reader’s Choice Award for Best Dating Book.
Author Dr. Weil is dedicated to assisting singles and couples learn how to communicate using her Smart Heart Dialogue for the purpose of developing sustainable and emotionally intimate relationships. This book is for individuals who can’t find or keep lasting and loving relationships teaching how to get past the third date, and learn how not to sabotage a relationship. The book instructs couples how to heal childhood wounds through their partnerships.
The author walks readers through the many stages of a relationship’s connections and disconnections so that couples will be able to reconnect and solidify their relationships—and recapture the euphoric feelings of first love.
With infidelity and divorce at an all time high, and so many more opportunities to cheat through internet portals like Facebook and online dating services, Make Up Don’t Break Up offers insights, tools, and information about how couples can keep love alive and stay together when issues arise by using Smart Heart Dialogue techniques in communication, listening, and working together for mutual relationship goals.
Dr. Bonnie is a trained and certified Imago Relationship Therapist. Best selling author and founder of Imago Relationship International Dr. Harville Hendrix, PhD (dubbed the “Marriage Whisperer” by Oprah) writes in the foreword: “This is among the most helpful, complete, and positive manuals for saving a relationship that I have seen.”
One in five American divorces now involve Facebook
One in five American divorces now involve Facebook, according to experts (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334482/The-marriage-killer-One-American-divorces-involve-Facebook.html). There is no doubt that online chatting offers new temptations. Curiosity can quickly shift to accelerated excitement when you look up an old flame and the chats turn flirty.
“Americans have the highest rate of romantic breakup in the world,” says Andrew J. Cherlin, professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins, in an article from Psychology Today. Cherlin attributes this high rate of breaking up on high expectations, and dangerous distractions.
Couples have more options with the Internet, online dating services, and Facebook connecting old lovers. We must counteract these tempting dalliances by revitalizing our own relationships.
People don’t stray in a relationship when they have enticements and unexpected surprises from their partners. I advise couples to spend time doing challenging activities that capture the excitement of the early days in their relationships.
And, don’t forget to cuddle. When you are adored, and have physical contact with your partner it increases the bonding hormone Oxytocin, turning partners away from porn, the blackberry mistress and the pitfalls of Facebook socializing.
In my book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love, I teach couples and individuals how to find, keep, and sustain loving relationships. I’m so pleased to announce that Make Up Don’t Break Up is nominated for the Reader’s Choice Award for Best Dating Book 2010. My readers can vote with a chance to win our contest for $150 gift certificates. Hurry, voting ends March 8th. Find details on my home page at www.doctorbonnie.com.
Vote Now for my book Make Up Don’t Break Up for Readers Choice Award and win $150!!!
If you vote for my book Make Up Don’t Break Up for the Readers Choice Award, then post your name on my Facebook wall you are put in a drawing to win 1 of 3 Gift Cards valued at $150.00 each at the location of winners choice. Drawing of names posted to my Facebook wall will be chosen on March 9th for awards. YOU CAN VOTE ONCE PER DAY!
First: Vote here: http://dating.about.com/b/2011/02/11/readers-choice-2011-finalists-for-best-dating-book-of-2010.htm
Second: Friend my page and leave name on my Facebook wall- www.tinyurl.com/votebook
Gift Card Choices:
* Walmart
* Ruth Chris Steakhouse
* Best Buy
* Visa Gift Card
* Olive Garden
“Making Up” after Breaking Up
Porn affects current – or potential – relationships
A few recent articles in New York Magazine delve into our culture’s treatment of porn and how it can negatively affect the people who consume it as their real-life sex partners, whether long- or short-term relationships. It’s an interesting cycle that seems to either lead to (in these articles) men withdrawing from their partners, even subconsciously for a variety or porn-related reasons; or women attempting to mimic the type of sexual behavior prevalent in porn. But neither outcome is satisfactory or fulfilling for either party.
One of the articles puts it this way: “Men, oversaturated by porn, secretly hunger for the variety that porn offers. Women, noticing a decline in their partners’ libidos, try to reenact the kinds of scenes that men watch on their computer screens. Men, as a result, get really freaked out.”
As I discuss in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin,” any time there’s something taking up resources that should be allocated to ones’ relationship and partner can be seen as a type of adultery. Infidelity isn’t just about having physical sex with someone who’s not your significant other. It can be financial (which I address in “Financial Infidelity”), psychological or – I would argue – in the case of porn, emotional.
Creating and sustaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a real-life partner takes time, energy and work; yes, even, sometimes, the sexual aspect as well! Which can make the world of pornography so appealing – it doesn’t take hardly any work and you don’t have to worry about someone else’s emotions and needs. Or do you? As these articles show, porn is not a one-way street. No matter how you slice it, when it becomes a go-to resource or something that’s viewed as easier or better than engaging with a spouse or significant other, it interferes in that real-life relationship.
I would consider this over-abundance of problems caused by porn to be an addiction and just like other types of addiction it can cause serious infidelity issues. I think we need to get away from considering “cheating” to only mean having physical sex with someone else, and realize that there are all different kinds of infidelity that can lead to results that are just as heartbreaking and upsetting as sexual infidelity.
For any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medications, sex, porn and so forth —can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, watch porn —followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.
At that point it’s important to realize your actions aren’t just affecting one person; there also affecting the person you’re in a relationship with, or would one day hope to be in a relationship with.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her books are available on her site, https://doctorbonnie.com/
Valentine’s Day: The Real Story
Why do men “accidentally forget” to buy their wife/lover a gift?
Why are women already mad before Valentine’s day? Year after year, either their husbands “forget” or have an excuse why they can’t honor them on V Day.
Dr. Bonnie says they either:
- have underlying anger
- have resentment
- don’t want to be told what to do
- feel under-appreciated
- Have negative feelings about their wife, but have no idea what or why
They may make the “excuse” that it is a Hallmark Holiday, is made up for retail stores to make money, they don’t know what to get her, she has everything, they don’t know how to shop…..etc.
Dr. Bonnie has recommendations for women on how to avoid a Valentine’s blow up:
- Ask him what he wants? Go shopping with him before VDay
- Go to the store with him for him to get a card, etc
- Reward him with sex after he has shopped for her
- Sit down and ask him in a non threatening way what he is feeling (have Smart Heart Talk)
More tips can be found in the book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love for Singles and Couples!
Spouse or Stranger?
Did you know that spouses sometimes communicate no better than strangers?? According to Science Daily, a professor of psychology at Williams College put together an experiment where two sets of couples sat in chairs with their backs to each other and tried to discern the meaning of each other’s ambiguous phrases. “The spouses consistently overestimated their ability to communicate, and did so more with their partners than with strangers.”
Most people in any sort of relationship know, whether it’s a friendship, dating relationship, marriage, or long-term partnership, it takes good communication to make things work and flow relatively smoothly! So to consider that we might get our point across just as well to someone we don’t know at all, versus someone who knows us intimately, is a bit disturbing. What makes the study striking says the professor who conducted it, is that the spouse who was communicating was more confident that they would be understood by their partner than by the stranger, but in reality often weren’t.
When I help couples communicate – whether in every day situation or in challenging disagreements and more painful parts of life – I encourage them to use what I call Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue, and talk about in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up.
When I instruct couples to use Smart Heart Dialogue, it’s as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate, but it can and should be used in day-to-day communication as a way to practice truly listening to your partner, and as a way to provide a safe place for each person to share what’s on their mind. The Smart Heart skills & dialogue is the glue to keep a relationship new!
Additionally, utilizing this type of dialogue is important in learning to fight fair as a couple. Fighting and disagreeing are not bad things, in themselves. Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.
This type of discussion can open up the doors to putting the emotionality of a certain topic aside – whether it be finances, life decisions, career changes, fidelity, or a host of other things – and allow the couple to be honest with each other in a safe, loving space. Of course, this doesn’t mean that each person has a right to be angry and hurtful – quite the opposite. This exercise is designed to take the heated emotion out of a discussion so that the couple can share their feelings without a threat of emotion or anger getting thrown in the mix.
And hopefully by consciously focusing on a type of communication that leads to closeness as a couple, we’ll have MUCH more in common with our partners than with strangers!
Read more in the book Make Up Don’t Break Up and accompanying DVD Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples on sale at www.amazon.com or www.doctorbonnie.com.
Schedule a session with Dr. Bonnie to learn her Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue by emailing info@doctorbonnie.com
Why John Edwards should stay “not engaged”
John Edwards has provided much relationship blog fodder over the past year or two – and now he’s fielding rumors that he’s engaged. To kick things all off, first there was revelation that he in fact did have an affair with the woman who produced videos for his campaign. Although he stated he had come clean to his family it was still a scandal that shed negative light on him politically especially in light of Elizabeth’s battle with cancer. Add into that the fact that Edwards fathered a child with his mistress and it’s enough to severely impact anyone’s life or career!
Then there was news that Elizabeth Edwards was writing a book about her experiences, in my estimation not only to set the record straight but to help her work through some of the issues that arose in her public and private life. During these struggles, Elizabeth had stated that she’d decided to stay in her marriage “for the kids” although later she and John became estranged.
Now, there are reports that just weeks after her death, John Edwards is considering getting married again. His attorney is denying claims that Edwards is engaged to Rielle Hunter, the same women he had an affair with.
Whether or not these rumors or true, it seems that Edwards is still struggling with what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection; something I think he’s been dealing with since Elizabeth was first diagnosed with cancer. The theory is that people experiencing stress, separation or loss often are inclined toward thrill-seeking behavior and this frequently manifests itself in the form of an affair. It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife to cancer – either after the initial diagnosis or even now, that she has actually passed on – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. It’s also possible that, subconsciously, he was finding a “backup” for his wife, given her cancer diagnosis.
Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it can be used as a spring board for honest discussion. I believe that just about any marriage or relationship can be saved, and divorce isn’t usually the best option – even in cases of unfaithfulness. Unfortunately, John and Elizabeth weren’t able to work through their struggles but there are no doubt many painful emotions associated with his wife’s life and death. It hardly seems a good time to be seeking out another relationship!
New Year/Old Relationship
Saying you’re in an “old relationship” doesn’t sound too flattering – in fact, given a somewhat negative connotation we associate with the word “old,” attaching the word to just about anything is less than idea. Yet a so-called “old relationship” can be a comforting, reassuring, and – yes – even an exciting thing. What I mean by “old relationship” is simply a committed relationship that may have passed the initial spark or already experienced the honeymoon phase. In this type of relationship, both partners are now dealing with the day-to-day life of a relationship and learning how to relate to and nurture each other many months or years down the road.
Admittedly “old” is a bad adjective to use for this stage of a relationship as it brings many bonuses with it – you’re more comfortable around each other; you’ve gotten through some of the exciting yet awkward parts of getting to know the other person, their past, their hang-ups, their family, their good and bad habits and so on; you have a partner to rely on in any situation life throws at you. And there are many more such bonuses that come with a long term relationship; but what people can tend to focus on when things are lackluster, as they sometimes can be when you’ve been with someone for a long period of time, are the things they may be “missing out” on by continuing in a committed relationship.
Whether or not your long-term relationship is in one of these lackluster phases, as we begin the new year it’s a great idea to commit to renewing your relationship. You may not be able to go through the exact phases of the early relationship that can be so exciting, but you can inject some surprise and romance into it!
*Make a decision to fall in love again.
Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.
*Treat each other like you did at the beginning.
Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!
*Have an affair with your partner
Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.
The great thing about doing some of these things is that they’re even more meaningful when shared with someone with whom you have a history. So enjoy your “old” relationship in the new year!
See my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up, for more ways to connect with your partner and take part in activities that will last throughout the year.
Remember Elizabeth Edwards Courage and Faith
We need to remember Elizabeth Edward’s courage and unrelenting faith as she simultaneously faced her most difficult battles towards the end of her life—infidelity and cancer. Elizabeth Edward’s faith and resiliency skills were tested when her husband admitted to having an affair and finally confessing he had fathered a child with Rielle Hunter, a 42-year-old woman hired to make campaign videos during his run for president in 2007.
In her book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Dr. Weil cites studies that reveal prolonged stress lowers the immune system. Edward admitted in her memoir Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities—that her husband’s infidelity made her physically ill. A recent 2010 study links cancer growth to stress (http://www.cancer.ucla.edu). “Adultery is one of the most brutal betrayals a partner can commit. We never know how long we, or our spouse will be here on this earth. I don’t think partners want the defining moment of their relationship to be about betrayal and cheating.”
“While adultery can be overcome, the uphill battle towards recovery includes healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. I ask couples to honor their marriage vows in memory of Elizabeth Edward’s courage, grace, and resiliency. And, remember to protect your relationship by nurturing instead of betraying. Monogamy may not be instinctual, but it is a choice,” Dr. Weil says.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity (Making Money Sexy).
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Infidelity” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at www.DoctorBonnie.com.