A Disturbing Trend of Couples Living Apart Has Long Range Consequences on Children

The trend of committed couples with children living in separate households damaging to family units. Now that the holidays are looming closer, kids shuttled between two separate households can become even more confusing, especially if they are young. Dr. Bonnie surmises that young children will have the security of their holiday traditions shaken. “After all, will Santa know which chimney is theirs?”

Apparently many couples are opting to have separate bedrooms, and even living apart to avoid conflicts, according to a New York Times article November 17, 2010 titled “Blending Like The Brady Bunch, Let’s Not Go Too Far.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/18/garden/18unblended.html).

“Couples who set up separate dwellings as a solution to resolving conflict are sending the wrong messages to the children, and not teaching kids conflict resolution. I find this disturbing,” says Dr. Weil.

Blended family dynamics get even more complicated during the holidays. Children in stepfamilies have twice as many parent and grandparent figures, all vying for time, increasing the opportunity for disagreements. In addition, parents’ living apart adds confusion, stress, and sends the wrong message to kids. “We have to teach our children that being part of a family unit is like being a shareholder in a company. Everyone has a vote, and a responsibility to be part of a successful team, and not bail when the going gets tough. Teaching this concept starts with the parents.”

Parents need to employ the following guidelines, and adhere to these rules especially during the holidays.

1.    Use Smart Heart Dialogue Skills (found in Dr. Bonnie’s book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love
2.    Always fight fair (no blaming, shaming, or judging)
3.    Have weekly talks including all family members to voice grievances and solve problems
4.    Reward members for getting along

“When discussing an issue, remember to utilize play to make kids more receptive to learning lessons. Play is to children what conversation is to adults. Teach children that conflict is an occasion for closeness, not an opportunity to employ an exit strategy,” says Dr. Bonnie.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.

Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.

For interview contact Diane Dennis, Inspired Media Communication at 503-678-1356 or dianeden(at)centurytel(dot)net

Dr. Bonnie Warns Couples That Lying About Spending During The Holidays Has Steep Marital Price Tag

New York, NY………………….Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD warns couples that holiday splurges and lying to each other about spending go hand in hand. “Our weakened economy, the holiday season, and stress creates a perfect storm for partners to lie to each about money,” explains Dr. Bonnie, author of Financial Infidelity. With added holiday stress, and pressures to satisfy their children’s Santa wish list, a mom or dad can easily be tempted to slip a few extra presents under the tree, hide the receipts, and hope the clandestine spending flies under the radar.

“Breaking trust, and disregarding financial agreements happen all the time with couples. In fact, a 2010 study by CESI Debt Solutions shows that 80 percent of all married couples hide purchases from their mates (http://www.cesidebtsolutions.org/news_press)”, says Dr. Weil.

People lie to each other for a variety of reasons. Whether trying to avoid conflict, blame or shame, lying about purchases will cause relationship issues to escalate. Maybe a couple has made a pact not to use credit card debt to augment a financially strained holiday gift list, but half way through the purchases money runs thin, and one of the partners strays from the plan. “This is a time when rationalizing about spending is at an all time high. A partner may deceive himself by thinking that Christmas comes only once a year and they can balance the budget or make amends for their deceptions after the festivities, not realizing that lying about money has a steep emotional price tag.”

Dr. Bonnie explains that trust is key. “If you lie to your partner about spending, trust is violated, and a couple begins to become suspicious about what other indiscretions are going on. In fact, cheating with the bank account can lead to other types of deception.”

Dr. Bonnie advises couples to honor agreements, just say no to spending that is beyond the household budget, and learn each other’s familial spending habits. The book Financial Infidelity offers ways to make discussions about money sexy, have frank financial discussions without discourse, and get on the same financial page during the holidays and afterwards.

Scientists prove Dr. Bonnie’s Theory that Cheating is Biological

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Make Up Don’t Break Up and Adultery The Forgivable Sin has been saying for years what scientists finally found a genetic explanation for. Cheating is genetic, specifically the DRD4 gene.

The recent scientific study completed by Justin Garcia, a doctoral fellow in evolutionary biology and health at Binghamton University, New York, determined that the DRD4 gene not only plays a role in other thrill seeking behaviors such as gambling and drinking, but also plays a role in sexual infidelity and promiscuity (http://healthland.time.com/2010/12/02/too-many-one-night-stands-blame-your-genes)

In her books, Dr. Weil has continually supported her theory that men who cheat also have high levels of the hormone vasopressin, driving them to seek out and thrive in high risk activities like gambling, sports, and often choose high risk and thrill seeking careers such as politics or professional sports. Dr. Weil has coined the phrase, bio-chemical craving for connection, to describe why some men are hormonally set up to cheat. “Men who cheat are wired to thrive in high arousal activities because of their biological make up. They also seek out self-soothing activities to counteract the agitating effects of higher levels of the hormone. While some of these men turn to drugs and alcohol, others choose sex, which simultaneously fills the need for risk and the desire for calming.”

Dr. Bonnie reminds couples that cheating, even though there is a genetic predisposition, is still a choice. “Once the indiscretion is committed, it takes a lot of work to undo the damage, and many relationships don’t survive the betrayal.” In other words, cheating may be in ones genes, but is not a free pass for dropping trousers indiscriminately. In her book, Make Up Don’t Break Up, Dr. Bonnie gives tips for couples at risk for cheating.

Blended Families Living Apart

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD views the trend of committed couples with children living in separate households damaging to family units. Now that the holidays are looming closer, kids shuttled between two separate households can become even more confusing, especially if they are young. Dr. Bonnie surmises that young children will have the security of their holiday traditions shaken. “After all, will Santa know which chimney is theirs?”

Apparently many couples are opting to have separate bedrooms, and even living apart to avoid conflicts, according to a New York Times article November 17, 2010 titled “Blending Like The Brady Bunch, Let’s Not Go Too Far.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/18/garden/18unblended.html).

“Couples who set up separate dwellings as a solution to resolving conflict are sending the wrong messages to the children, and not teaching kids conflict resolution. I find this disturbing,” says Dr. Weil.

Blended family dynamics get even more complicated during the holidays. Children in stepfamilies have twice as many parent and grandparent figures, all vying for time, increasing the opportunity for disagreements. In addition, parents’ living apart adds confusion, stress, and sends the wrong message to kids. “We have to teach our children that being part of a family unit is like being a shareholder in a company. Everyone has a vote, and a responsibility to be part of a successful team, and not bail when the going gets tough. Teaching this concept starts with the parents.”

Parents need to employ the following guidelines, and adhere to these rules especially during the holidays.

1. Use Smart Heart Dialogue Skills (found in Dr. Bonnie’s book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love
2. Always fight fair (no blaming, shaming, or judging)
3. Have weekly talks including all family members to voice grievances and solve problems
4. Reward members for getting along

“When discussing an issue, remember to utilize play to make kids more receptive to learning lessons. Play is to children what conversation is to adults. Teach children that conflict is an occasion for closeness, not an opportunity to employ an exit strategy,” says Dr. Bonnie.

Relying on Chemistry – Part 2

Relying on Chemistry (Part 1)