Treatable Sin

What can we learn from the death of Alexander McQueen

As many have heard, the start of fashion week began with a devastating shock to the fashion world.  Alexander McQueen a well known, young, rebellious fashion designer passed away due to suicide.  McQueen has had a hard recent past that may have led to this risk taking venture he took.  Dr Bonnie Eaker Weil says “He was a risk taker, and it doesn’t get any riskier then taking your own life.”  He has dealt with the recent loss of his mother on February 2^nd and was supposed to attend her funeral on the day he took his own life.  Dr. Bonnie believes he “took his own life to be back with his mother again.”

McQueen has suffered loss after loss in which has caused a “domino effect”.  He lost a close friend due to suicide over a year ago, his aunt passed a year ago and now his mother.  Also playing a contributing factor we believe was the recent break up he endured at their same time as he was under tremendous stress trying to finish his autumn fashion line.

What can we learn from this? “There are warning signs that people show” says Dr. Bonnie.

Some warning signs of a friend in need of help:

–  Warning signs are usually there, we just don’t heed them

–  The person is withdrawn, not seeking out contact, and refusing contact but many times saying they are OK.

–  Not eating

–  Not sleeping

–  Harming himself/herself

–  Unkempt

–  Lethargic

–  No interest or zest for life

–  Occasionally a person will threaten to harm themselves but not always

McQueen stayed in bed for a week prior to his demise, which was a warning sign.  If we know somebody showing signs such as these that have endured dramatic stress, loss and separation we should seek help for them.  Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has studied the result of stress, loss and separation.  It can affect health, life, relationships and family.  Don’t let that happen to you or your family!

Dr. Bonnie author of Make Up Don’t Break Up, 2^nd edition due out March 2010 (with accompanying DVD within the book; How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples).  Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World.

For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals out of control please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.

Have a snowed in affair with your own partner

Andrew Young Covers for Edwards

Prior to John Edwards accepting paternity of the daughter he fathered with a woman working on his campaign, his aide had accepted responsibility for this child. On the eve of his aide, Andrew Young, releasing a tell-all memoir (which he’ll be discussing this week on 20/20) that was set to reveal Edwards as the real father – among other admissions and accusations we’ll likely just have to wait to find out about – Edwards himself finally made his guilty admission: that in addition to having an affair he copped to last year, he had also fathered a child.

These denials, cover-ups, subsequent admissions, more lies and cover-ups and more admissions indicate is likely trying to work through some severely emotional problems. Of course, all affairs and lies are wrong, upsetting and emotionally draining, but it’s likely to get blown out of proportion into an even wider scope when the cycle of stress, lies and affairs is perpetuated by someone in the spotlight ~ and when more and more drama is piled on as the lies compound.

I think it’s time that we as a society began to look at adultery for what it truly is: an addiction. Just like no other addiction should be excused or justified, so must we demand restitution for infidelity. But looking at it as an addiction or disease will also help us understand and treat the problem.

We need to stop glamorizing adultery, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection. This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of stress are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

Adultery, like many other diseases, can be triggered by feelings of stress, separation and loss. Here again, these are all things Edwards has experienced and – because of his role in the public eye – experienced at an intense degree. The stress of his job not to mention the stress of attempting to run a presidential campaign. The fear of separation from his wife as she battled cancer. The loss of a child he fathered with Elizabeth. This things have all likely played out to their conclusion, resulting in the affair and subsequent attempted cover-up.

One of the things we can learn from the fall from grace is that we need to learn to articulate what we’re feeling before it’s too late.  It’s likely that Edwards subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing the election or losing his wife or losing his son – and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear and loss by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

The New York Daily News came out with an article on Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable.

Dr. Bonnie ~ known as “The Adultery Buster” ~ has a 98% success rate of helping couples stay together after infidelity. Further advice on how to beat the odds and cure the adultery epidemic can be found in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin,” and “Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?”

Adultery Statistics

* 38% of people have engaged in explicit online sexual conversation, 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online.

* Approximately 70% of time online is in chat rooms or sending emails; of these interactions vast majorities are romantic in nature according to Dr. Michael Adams.

Tiger’s Indiscretions

Tiger Woods has all but admitted his philandering ways, most recently coming out with a statement saying that he has “let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart.”

It remains to be seen how everything unfolds, how many women come forward, and what exactly he’ll admit to, but for now the couple is seeking privacy, which is a prerogative we should all honor.

In the November issue of The New York Daily News an article about “What Makes Men Cheat” reports that people cheat because something is missing from their lives – even though everything may appear perfect. The article mentions that just because people have mastered something – in this case, playing a sport – doesn’t mean they’ve been able to learn how to have a healthy, honest, and emotionally intimate relationship. Tiger and his wife are successful, rich and have two darling children. It’s possible that this last component may be a contributing factor for his affair(s).

When a new baby comes into the picture men lose center stage status. They might begin to feel like a neglected sibling, fighting for attention from their wife. Of course, no one wants to admit this because feeling competitive with your child or baby just seems silly. Statistics show that a set-up for adultery is created with this complex combination of feeling neglected, feeling guilty, and repressing those feelings.

Reports are now surfacing that Tiger is amending his pre-nup to include an extra “payout” to his wife Elin if she stays with him for a certain length of time. Of course, I don’t believe you can buy love, but I do believe that people can move beyond affairs and relationships can heal. I discuss this concept extensively in my book, “Make Up Don’t Break Up.” If both parties are willing to reconcile, a new, healthy relationship can be built from the ground up. Healing is possible, and privacy at this time is key for the couple to sort out their complex feelings

Bankers and financiers more vulnerable to affairs

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

During a recession, bankers are the new lawyers. You know, the butts of jokes, either loved or hated. A new study shows many are feeling hated and seeking love in all the wrong places. According to Reuters:

“IllicitEncounters.com said it has seen a huge increase in the number of financial workers signing up to have affairs after the collapse of the markets in October last year, and that “finance” continued to be one of the most represented professional areas on the site.”

The website set out to determine why this was so. They interviewed 380,000 members, 20,000 of them work in financial services and found that among some of the reasons for infidelity were public revulsion for bankers, along with lack of affection in private. Additionally, members were interested in engaging in risky behavior to escape boredom, and feeding the ego by landing a trophy mistress. Long hours, negative public sentiment, stress and separation from their partners makes those that work in finance (and any high-stress job for that matter) more prone to turn to an affair; especially now when there is more than enough stress to go around!

If we look around, we see a higher rate of affairs in other professions that are very demanding, like politicians. I’ve talked about this before and explained my theory. The bio-chemical craving for connection, as discussed in the book “Financial Infidelity”, stems from stress, separation and/or loss. These are probable elements for finance workers now. The stress goes without saying, and the separation aspect was even mentioned in the study, as bankers work longer and longer hours, lending fewer opportunities to connect with a spouse or partner. Thus, it’s not a stretch to think that those in this field are facing large financial losses themselves, or dealing with clients who have suffered losses.

A common reply in the study from male respondents had to do with boosting egos and giving in to the peer pressure of having a mistress for the sake of status. A stressed out banker distancing himself from family creates fertile ground for indiscretions.

All this explains why infidelity happens, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. Although certain people, professions and/or websites make it seem otherwise, an affair is not something to be coveted. Adultery usually leads to a further rift in a relationship, and all too often is the precursor for divorce. Contrary to social and popular belief among some, infidelity is not a status symbol. Rather, it is a symptom of a life that is terribly out of balance.

Instead of choosing infidelity as a solution for relieving stress, communicate with your partner. If you’re not at a good point in your relationship, talk to SOMEONE you trust, with the goal of developing emotional intimacy with your partner. Affairs create more lies, more stress and more separation, and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (www.doctorbonnie.com) is the author of best selling book Make Up Don’t Break Up, newly revised with accompanying DVD: Falling in Love and Staying in Love. The book with 3 new chapters is being released in Feb 2010.

To Confront or Not Confront: If you suspect infidelity this holiday season

by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

We’ve all seen it, if not in real life then on TV or in the movies: The faithful wife or husband confronting their partner’s love. It happened again this week on the TV show, “The Good Wife,” as the main character meets up with her husband’s mistress.

The question in itself may sound crazy: Should the jilted partner ever confront the “other woman” or man? But I believe that such a confrontation is sometimes warranted. You don’t have to do it in person, but a phone call can work just as well. In some situations, an encounter with this person may be an important step of letting go and moving on, whether or not the couple decides to work things out. But as we’ve all seen in the media – in both fact and fiction! – such a meeting can be harrowing and dramatic. Here are ten tips to ensure a productive confrontation:

1. Pick a neutral public place to meet
2. Never humiliate the lover or your mate in front of friends, coworkers, children or family members.
3. Tell the lover you do not wish to hurt him/her, but you will love your partner and know the feeling is mutual.
4. Make it clear that you will fight for the relationship and that you and your spouse have a history together.
5. Ask for time to make it work.
6. Point out that if your partner leaves the relationship still doubting and full of remorse, the lover will not get a fair shake and might get hurt even worse later on.
7. Look your best.
8. Remain cool, but firm. Remember, these are peace talks.
9. Try to see this person as a wounded child, too. Validate their feelings.
10. Point out the negatives of your partner’s situation- the children, the grim realities of maintaining two households.

But aim for empathy, not sympathy. When making the decision to work things out with you partner, there will be many issues to deal with, but at this juncture you are looking to clear the air with the lover. Understand that they may have been a victim too. They may not have known the truth about your relationship, and even if they did that merely points to the fact that they have their own series of problems to work on.

The point here isn’t to cause a fight or create drama beyond what you’ll already be dealing with, but to bring closure to a situation with the “other” person, so you and your partner can focus on yourselves and making your relationship work again.

Dr. Bonnie, known as the “Adultery Buster,” was named the #1 Love Expert for her work in helping couples stay together after infidelity. Her book on the topic, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin” was made into a Lifetime Movie with actress Kate Jackson. It goes into greater detail on the Ten Tips for Confrontation, as well as other important instructions for rescuing a relationship after an affair. “Adultery the Forgivable Sin” can be found on Amazon: