Tips to Avoid Holiday Party Affair Season!
It’s not something you often hear amidst the holiday cheer, but it is important to be aware and beware during the holiday season. Many affairs begin at office parties. Alcohol releases inhibitions which can perpetuate any sexual chemistry and tension that may already exist between coworkers. Office parties put married employees in harm’s way. Perhaps it is that woman in accounting or that man who works in IT that peaks your interest at the workplace. As the holiday season approaches, the most innocent of office parties can turn into a long list of bad decisions for those who are married.
Over 90% of men and women fantasize about a coworker and attending the holiday party becomes a catalyst for extramarital affairs. If you are lonely and attracted to someone in the office, tell your partner that you need more personal attention and that you are starting to develop feelings for a coworker because you miss spending time with them.
It is not an easy task to steer clear of these parties without looking suspicious, so I’ve put together “Do’s and Don’ts” on how to get through the seasonal parties without ruining your marriage. These steps are guaranteed ways to hold the line amid temptation at office parties.
DO Bring your partner! Especially if you find someone in the office attractive, bring your partner to the party. Having that mutual support nearby will assist you with fighting those wandering thoughts and urges. If your partner cannot attend, it is important that you talk about your plans especially around the coworker that you find attractive. Discuss what you will do as a couple or speak about family traditions in order to jog your memory of how significant your marriage is to you throughout the event.
DO Go early to the party – Leave early – Go home alone. If your partner cannot attend the party, this simple mantra will ensure an easy escape from temptation. Typically these parties include alcohol and its effects lower inhibitions which can lead to disastrous decision making. Be sure to arrive early and leave earlier as most parties tend to become uproarious as the day rolls into night once the libations are dispersed. Staying 20 – 30 minutes to show your support for the company’s party is enough time to mingle with coworkers. Most importantly, no matter if the accountant’s car will not start or the IT guy just cannot seem to find his keys, go home alone!
DO Think of your partner three times a day in a positive light during the work hours. Picture the coworker you fantasize ten pounds heavier and ten years older.
DON’T Drink. The mistletoe, alcohol, and romance of the season appears to give consent to lose control at office parties and can result in igniting illicit passion. It may not be the “cool thing to do” but it can certainly save you from a world of problems. Enjoy seasonal drinks like eggnog and virgin cocktails. Non-alcoholic beer is also an option, it is socially acceptable, tastes better than ever before and most locations even offer a variety to choose from.
DON’T Dance the Lambada. Avoid dancing too closely with coworkers and keep appropriate space in general while socializing. Do not forget that this is an office party and those human resources rules still apply. A sexual harassment claim filed against you is not how you will want to ring in the New Year at the office.
DON’T Flirt. Flirting during the holiday season can lead to other activities rather quickly – especially under the influence of alcohol. Remain professional, avoid racy jokes, watch your body language and definitely do not meet ANYONE under the mistletoe.
This season can bring forth reminiscent feelings which can spark anxious thoughts and even depression leaving you vulnerable to make terrible decisions. Hold the line against temptation and do not mix business with pleasure at office parties. Be sure you and your partner create sizzle together before and after a holiday party this season — have an affair with your own partner and turn up the heat!!
For more information on how to hold that line and temptation at office parties, be sure to check out Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil’s, Adultery: the Forgivable Sin, made into a Lifetime movie starring Kate Jackson; Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery; and also, Make Up, Don’t Break Up – including the downloadable video Falling in Love and Staying in Love.
Football Playoffs are a Great Time To Score!
This Sunday is one of the best sports days of the year! But, how do you participate in football playoffs when it’s just not your thing? If you can’t beat em join them! A savvy woman knows how much football means to her guy whether married or single. I encourage partners to touchdown during the football playoffs. A nice pillow fight and some tackling after the second quarter is high energy play and will bring endorphins to a full-time high. Adding in a 30 second kiss will also bring on a different rush from oxytocin, the cuddle hormone.
Being intimate during football halftime is a healthy way to connect with your sports lover. The Cleveland Clinic believes a healthy sexual relationship can positively affect all aspects of life. Many women and even men feel neglected when their partner is glued to the television and shows more devotion for Tom Brady than they do to them. However, do not get mad when your partner is engrossed with the game. They will love and appreciate you more by supporting their passion. Here are some of my smart heart tips that will help you get the pom-poms out for the first time in years this playoff season.
Be supportive and stay on the sidelines when the game is in motion. As my husband Jeff says, “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and football.” Partners should try out some new recipes that will leave their lover’s mouth watering for more than just the seven-layer dip. Coming home with some hot chocolate, which contains PEA–an upper, and some fluffy marshmallows are great aphrodisiacs for touching down.
To really impress your partner, husband or boyfriend, do a little research. Start reading newspapers, Sports Illustrated, playoff feed on Twitter or even download the NFL app to learn more about stats, players and predictions for the next Vince Lombardi Trophy winner. Learning about the game will make him adore you more than enough to remember this year’s Valentine’s day. Sharing football without complaining, that’s a lifetime achievement award.
Remember, football time is no time for talking, especially about serious subjects. Don’t discuss any heavy topics that might instigate an argument that would ruin any chance of a halftime show. Also, competing with the announcer is another football faux pas. Besides all the chanting and swearing, notice that men are usually pretty quiet when a big play is under review. Let there only be one announcer.
For more Smart Heart Tips and Tricks, read “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.”
United We Stand
Wishing President Donald Trump luck! Yesterday’s inauguration marked a new beginning–a changing of the guards. Some were excited for the inauguration and others were, and are, nervous. Change is hard for people and the same is true in marriage. Some are better at risk taking than others so this change can cause anxiety and people may be on edge or moody with partners. Use the three P’s: prepare, predict, and prevent.
We need to unite through kindness and empathy to make America great. We need to come together not only as a country, but in our relationships as well. Now is the time to connect and communicate with your partner. Now more than ever, let’s Make Up, Don’t Break Up.
For more on connecting with your partner, join my online course: Marriage and Relationships: The Keys to Success
Beware of Financial Infidelity During the Holiday Season!
With Black Friday and Cyber Monday coming to a close, beware of the financial infidelity that can come along with increased opportunities to shop. Whether as a way to keep track of wish lists for a certain store that then make shopping in-person easier with shorter lines; or buying the items directly from mobile sites, more people will be wired in to their devices. This can increase instances of financial infidelity – and make it easier – during an already high-risk time.
I coined Financial Infidelity to describe the financial betrayal that can happen when one or both partners spend money behind the other’s back. It’s a form of infidelity that’s so subtle, people often don’t realize they’re cheating – and it is especially high during the holidays. This is partly due to increased pressure to spend, thanks to days like Black Friday, as well as the desire to find the perfect gift in order to please people. Financial Infidelity is higher around the holidays because there are so many temptations to spend, but if families and couples can go into this season with a game plan for saving money, then everyone wins!
Shopping, whether in person, online, or via a mobile device, and saving money is often like a game. When people get a good deal they feel like they’re winning, and often they are! It’s profitable for people to get great deals on items they would regularly buy at their normal price. Shopping this way during the holiday season can prove to be cost effective. But, as with everything, it should be practiced in moderation, lest it be used as a compulsive way to fill a void.
Utilizing technology to be more efficient and get good deals are great alternatives to other forms of thrill-seeking that tend to emerge around the holidays. However, people need to be careful of the additional pitfalls: People often “shop till they drop” (instead of just shopping for what they need), or turn to cheating to get an unhealthy high. Additionally, mobile shopping can be utilized as a way to hide purchases from significant others, whether it’s an overly extravagant purchase for yourself, or even for a mistress. The dark side of the holiday season is that inhibitions tend to be down, stress levels are up, and people suffering from stress, separation and loss are looking to fill a void. Instead of indulging these feelings, go for healthy highs that have a positive influence.
For more on infidelity – financial and otherwise – check out my book, “Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker”, or “Make Up Don’t Break Up” with a free video download, “Falling in Love and Staying in Love.”
Teaching Empathy to Combat Bullying
Today, on my birthday, I want to talk about something I’m particularly passionate about–something my Mom taught me how to combat tens of years ago: bullying. I spoke with Andrea Peyser at the New York Post about bullying and its effects over the weekend.
Thirty-three percent of kids say they have been a victim of Cyber Bullying in one way or another. Of these, nearly half don’t tell anyone in their off-screen lives about the abuses. It is important that kids understand that Cyber Bullying is just as upsetting as being bullied in real life and it’s just as important to seek help if they’ve fallen prey to that behavior. I first learned about this at the age of 7 when girls in school tried to push me down the stairs. My mom taught me about the value of extending an olive branch and forgiveness. These kinds of experiences with bullying and cyber bullying can be irreparable to an adolescent’s self esteem. At adolescence, you are trying to form your own identity and peers can be more important than family. We need to teach children empathy. That is why I am an advocate of preventative orientations in colleges, high schools,and grammar schools. We need to teach kids not to be cruel from the beginning. Put them in the shoes of someone they might be criticizing or gossiping about. With kids communicating electronically, reactions to comments are not seen. Therefore, a child may not develop healthy communication skills. This is where the parent comes in.
There is a more than 50 percent chance that parents don’t know what is going on in their children’s online lives—yet more than half of the kids recognized that cyber bullying is as bad or worse than bullying in real life. Cyber Bullying also remains a problem for many teens, a quarter of whom say they would not know what to do if they were bullied online. Cyber Bullying is more serious than person-to-person taunting. The threats can be more vicious, and there is more shame involved. Because more people are exposed, Cyber Bullying leads to humiliation on a global level, leaving the victim feeling attacked and vulnerable. Kids can be exceedingly cruel. We need peer acceptance. Nobody likes to be humiliated and be made a spectacle. Schools need to take more of a stance on this and something should be done. It’s unacceptable that somebody treats somebody differently to make themselves feel better.
Learn more about parenting and relationships in my my best selling book: Make Up, Don’t Break Up! and my online education to-go course, Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.
Reviews on Best Dating Sites
I recently came across an article on Reviews.com that was evaluating and reviewing dating sites (http://www.reviews.com/online-dating-sites/). I was so happy to see this much needed asset in this busy world of singles. My single patients struggle with finding the “right” dating site and one that is easy to use. I’ve had patients marry from meeting on eharmony and OKCupid , so that is a testimonial in and of itself. Many patients prefer the two sites Reviews.com found to be the best, as they felt they had less narcissistic members than the others, and were more truthful. Another couple met and are serious now, and another is engaged. I met my husband through NY Magazine (no computer dating in those days) and we taught a course together on how to write an ad to meet and greet. It’s a wonderful way to meet after college, when it’s trickier or after divorce when you might be shellshocked!
The Little Things: Part 2
Just today, I was lucky enough to be driven in a car service by a wonderful man who is married 29 years happily and whose sentiments echoed the one’s I spoke of yesterday. He spoke to me about how a good marriage is about doing those “big” little things daily, like helping his wife in the kitchen, telling her he loves her everyday, picking her up from work so she does not take the bus, sharing finances, not keeping “score”, never going to bed mad, walking in her shoes even if they do not fit, and not arguing if she feels different but understanding instead. He told me “I can’t wait to come home to her and hug her hello, and eat dinner with her.”
This is a man after my own heart. All of those same mini connections are also how my husband behaves. That behavior propelled us to write our “SmartHeart” skills and tools for all of you to emulate in “Make Up Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course “Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success.” The driver and I spoke some more about how sometimes people give up too easily and divorce, and how important it is to work at it. It’s not hard to be nice and loving instead of vengeful and angry. It’s also better for your health!
Why Staying Married is Worth the Challenge!
New research on marriage in this week’s issue of Time Magazine, discussed how to stay married and why no matter the challenge, it’s worth it! Belinda Luscombe’s article speaks to the expectations that are are so much higher than they once were, which is why more effort needs to be put in than ever before. I always tell patients your partner needs to enhance who you are and let you be your true self! In other words: you’re better together as it brings out the best in each of you separately and together. In line with my writings on adultery, the research shows that adultery can be seen as a forgivable sin, but remorse, an end to the affair, and reconciliation are paramount. Marrieds have greater health, finances, sex lives, and overall happiness than singles, and I see this in my practice. I have seen couples reach real life love when they are more gentle and kind with each other. When the power struggle is gone and good will takes over, it reminds couples of how it was in the beginning when they first met each other. Sarcastic remarks or tones in a contemptuous way corrode marriages and without respect, love erodes. I speak about this in “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course on Marriage and Relationships: keys to success http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships. The first and most important thing to decide is that divorce is not an option. This is what I did with my husband of 27 years. Because of that, we work through things differently, with that commitment and love leading the way. Men need to be educated to do the emotional heavy lifting in order to make a relationship last the test of time–it’s what I call “connectable by instruction.” Fair fighting is important! Polite marriages are higher in adultery. Conflict and passion often go hand-in-hand. Sex is important too! Many married couples make the mistake of turning into only a friendship. We need to reawaken those endorphins you experienced when you first fell in love. You can have both, but you need to set aside time for this. It’s key to compartmentalize this from problems, and do not mix the two!