How to feel the LOVE and SHINE the light This Thanksgiving
As we near thanksgiving I ask patients and people who follow me to take a moment and reflect and give thanks of what you are thankful for and appreciate and grateful for this past year.
Thanksgiving is a good time to take stock of who you can forgive and who can forgive you!
It is the most traveled holiday meaning families are together which can be a blessing but also bring anxiety and old memories and even triggers and reactivity. It does not need to be that way.
Some helpful tips that I also have used myself with my own family as well as with patients!!
1. Keep it light (my dad’s advice) at thanksgiving gatherings and dinner
2. Stay clear of hot button topics like money and politics
3. Be sensitive to jokes or sarcasm so as not to insult or bully
4. Use activities as watching football, a movie, a game to dilute competition and minimize power struggles.
5. Bringing a guest or guests can negate or dilute possible family drama or chaos, as most families are on best behaviors when guests are present!!
6. Lower your expectations of your family. Remember it’s not where you come from, it’s how you finish! Look for positives and gratitude not what drives you crazy about going back home, “let the sunshine in.”
Making getting together with family a pleasure not a chore , even if you think your family is dysfunctional!! That’s what makes it interesting.
Ageless Romance: More Retirees are Finding or Keeping Love Alive says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Ageless Romance: More Retirees are Finding or Keeping Love Alive
Thanks to longer life expectancy, and a wider social network, more senior citizens are finding love later in life. According to the AARP, more people in their 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s are getting re-married after death or divorce later in life.
Sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, has suggestions for couples wanting to keep romance alive later in life.
– Lao Tzu
As people live longer, divorce becomes more common, and social networks expand, more and more people are re-marrying later in life. A study from the University of Missouri shows about 500,000 Americans age 65 and older remarry each year), and New York Magazine reports that sex and love is alive and well in retirement communities.
Relationship therapist Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil says that there are specific tips retirees should follow to keep the romance alive in their relationship, as well as advice that is fitting for a healthy relationship no matter what age!
Whether on a first marriage, or a remarriage, Dr. Bonnie points out that “as people get older, and they often become more stubborn and have less patience, they are less apt to want to work on a relationship.” This can present challenges to marriages that occur later in life. To this end, Dr. Bonnie teaches Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue to help couples stay happy and healthy in their golden years. “These skills are good for any relationship, but especially important when a couple is perhaps a bit set in their ways!”
– Joseph Campbell
Dr. Bonnie’s Smart Heart Skills provide a place where each person can express any frustrations or concerns in a constructive manner. She suggests couples check in with each other on any issues they face once a week for ten minutes or so. “Share any needs about connection, disconnection, and feelings that arise around these needs,” instructs Dr. Bonnie.
And because couples who re-marry later in life are often comfortable being on their own and value their independence, Dr. Bonnie encourages couples to start out giving each other space even before the other person asks. “Women, encourage your husband to go on that hunting trip, to catch a ball game with the guys. And men, make sure your wives take a girls’ night on a regular basis, or have time to work on a hobby they enjoy.” These “mini brushes with death” are useful for both parties. They rejuvenate the person who’s taking the break, and they make the other partner appreciate them and look forward to the time when they’ll be together again instead of being frightened by the time apart.
Love at any age takes commitment and work; unique issues arise with remarriages later in life, but with the right skills and a little flexibility Dr. Bonnie says “ageless romances” can be quite successful!
– Jeanne Moreau
For more information on SmartHeart skills and the madonna mistress in marriage, check out her book, winner of NYTimes Reader’s Choice Award, “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples” for more magic in marriage.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists and US Commerce association. Manhattan best therapist. Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (including online video: How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker.
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating, Discovery Health documentary “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.
Dr. Bonnie is available for relationship therapy via phone. Call 212-606-3787 for more details and to schedule an appointment with Dr. Bonnie.
My Thoughts on Netflix Hit Show “13 Reasons Why”
Have you heard about the new hit series on Netflix? “13 Reasons Why” is the talk of the internet right now with people coming out in support and against it. I applaud Netflix for them utilizing their platform to help teens and parents understand depression and what a teen goes through with bullying and self esteem issues. Some find it frightening but it realistically deals with rape and rape prevention and suicide and suicide prevention. I watched it with my husband and
after each episode, the actors talk about the episode and they direct audiences to websites where they can get help and discuss signs of depression and suicide.
I think the backlash is particularly severe because the material is so disturbing–especially surrounding sexual assault and bullying. It’s supposed to be shocking so you take this seriously and they want people to see the warning signs. It scares people and I think that’s what they set out to do. Make people realize how dangerous bullying is, show audiences how people minimize it and how difficult for teens and parents how hard it is to recognize this and how hard it is to express feelings when you yourself don’t know you are feeling this.
Reach out if you or your child are feeling troubled and want to discuss this more. www.doctorbonnie.com
People who play together, stay together.
According to the Journal of Personality and Social Sciences, couples who engage in adrenaline-raising, novel activities are happier. That doesn’t mean that you have to bungee jump or skydive but you do have to do something playful. You can’t just go on a date and have dinner together, you have to engage in high energy play. Any fun, novel, and exciting activity can bring that sex spark back.
No better aphrodisiac than helping a woman around the house
There is no better aphrodisiac than helping a woman around the house. Women work 36 hours inside the house in addition to their careers. According to a 2015 report done by the University of Alberta. Couples who share household work fairly equally report having more frequent and more satisfying sex. That means that if men want to have more sex, they need to help out, so the woman doesn’t burn out.
Happy Father’s Day!
This Father’s Day, more men are taking an active role in their kid’s lives than perhaps ever before. While this is a positive change, it can have negative effects. According to research published in the Wall Street Journal in 2012, 32% of fathers with working wives are helping to care for their kids under 15. That’s up from 26% just ten years ago. With dad as the new mom, it can affect a couple’s relationship if they don’t know how to best manage things.
This shift can be a positive thing for the whole family – kids get a father who’s present, moms get some time off from the 30 hours per week they work inside the home in addition to their careers. Having involved dads makes sense, since men would be better at parenting than at partnering. Men aren’t used to engaging in the level of communication that a relationship needs so they become great dads – which is wonderful, but it shouldn’t come at the detriment of their marriage.
Single dads might face the parent vs partner problem in even worse ways than their attached counterparts. They’re trying to play catch up because they spend time away from their kids, so they parent with extra fervor! While kids may benefit from this, it could also be the underlying reason why single dads stay single – they don’t know how to be a partner because they’re parents – it’s a different set of skills. And they’re already pressed for time and money, making it difficult to connect on a practical level as well: according to the Department of Health and Human Services, 24.5% of single custodial dads work more than 44 hours weekly; and 90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay all their child support each month.
Whether single or married, men also often find it biologically difficult to connect with their significant others – or to find a potential partner after a divorce. It stems from a time period early in a boy’s life that I call the abrupt schism: when a boy leaves mother abruptly while he’s still dependent, in order to identify with his father and become more like him.
Boys don’t make this transition gracefully and the wounds they incur affect their relationships with women for their entire lives. Some mothers have a hard time letting boys go – which means that later in life a man will disappear from a relationship if a woman makes him feel guilty about not meeting her needs; or he will feel that he is never good enough. This provides another glimpse into the reason why men are more reticent to open up – if they do so, they worry they will then need the woman with whom they open up.
Because of their roles in the culture, men often don’t have to know how to be attentive, how to need someone; they are typically more independent. I believe the skills needed for successful parenting and successful partnering can be taught through my Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue, which I developed because I believe most men are connectable by instruction (I discuss this further in my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up and the attached DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love).
Although women are often the guardians of connection their husbands can learn to connect in their marriage and communicate successfully. They need the confidence from their wives to be better partners, which can spring from their parenting abilities. Men already don’t feel comfortable identifying their feelings and talking about them, so women have to make a safe place – don’t shame or blame! Set aside ten minutes per day for this type of safe connection, where women create a place that their husbands can express themselves.
But it shouldn’t be either/or – people become better parents when they learn to be better partners, so learning to communicate safely and frequently in a relationship is healthiest for the whole family!
To see me talk more about single parenting and getting your relationship back on track click here: http://youtu.be/vNTq_wwXeKA and here: http://youtu.be/MtdykGxY708
It’s the Little Things
In light of this past weekend’s tragedy in Orlando, I want to take some time to talk about how not to take our partners or family members for granted.
It’s important to feel gratitude, write down those little things that melt our hearts, and see your partner or family member with new light. Focus on what they are doing, not on what they are not doing. Cherish those mindless moments that make up a relationship, like a walk in the park, eating an ice cream cone together, binge watching your favorite show, a cuddle in am and pm, an unexpected kiss or hand holding, touching his or her arm, or opening the door. The little things mean a lot! Count your blessings and make up don’t break up.
Q&A with Dr. Bonnie Weil
New Life Only a Click Away
I recently saw a heart-breaking story in The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/fashion/in-a-divorce-the-clicks-of-a-mouse-modern-love.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1&ref=fashion&src=me from a woman whose husband had been having an affair with a woman he met online, unbeknown to her. Perhaps even more tragically, this story is not that uncommon. In fact there are a number of statistics that reveal how widespread this has become:
Internet users devote three hours per week to online sexual exploits (MSNBC.com)
- -Statistics show more than 72,000 sexually explicit sites on the web and an estimated 266 new porn sites being added each day. These sites alone generate a revenue of $1 billion dollars each year.
(Harding Institute) - One in 10 respondents said they are addicted to sex and the Internet
(MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper)
It’s become overly simple to meet someone online for sex – in fact it’s more difficult to avoid these types of propositions than it is to take advantage of them, as the woman in the article found when, following her divorce, she did a little online sex research of her own:
[After posting my ad] I refreshed my e-mail and a dozen more replies showed up. Within the hour I had more than 100. I was appalled but also flattered
Needless to say, these types of encounters are easy to procure and appear much less high-risk than attempting to pick someone up in real life. However, the real life consequences are just as devastating. It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” of a sexual encounter instead. It could be the case that people looking for casual encounters via the internet are seeking out a way to mask the fact that they don’t want to deal with their emotions or don’t know how to engage in true intimacy. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. People who utilize the internet for these types of “relationships” are typically just in it for the high the feel in the moment without examining what’s making them seek that high.
When one person in a couple suffers from this need for thrill-seeking behavior it’s imperative that the person communicate with their partner – and with themselves – as to what’s leading them into this pattern. As I suggest in the documentary, Unfaithful (featured on the OWN Network), it’s imperative to dig deeper than indulging a momentary desire and learn what feeds the need to act in such a way.
In this sense, the course of action for dealing with this behavior is the same as if it weren’t fueled by technology. However the ever-presence of sex online has made this type of thrill-seeking much more accessible, and seem much less risky. This perception is just not true. Engaging in an affair – online, offline or otherwise – is fraught with risk and reveals relationship shortcomings that need to be talked out, not acted out.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of the 2010 NY Times Reader’s Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love counsels couples considering breaking up, people who have committed adultery, and couples who want to strengthen their relationships damaged by resentment or unresolved anger, teaching people to “fight” to increase passion, bring back magic and restore the sizzle. Dr. Bonnie teaches Smart Heart Dialogue along with communication and connection tools, and counsels families and children.
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson) Coming Nov 2011 as eBook, Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity.
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a Discovery Health documentary titled “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.
Is Sex Higher During Hurricanes?
New York, NY……..People in areas of the country that rarely see any inclement weather besides snow, are prepping for a hurricane this weekend. People typically spend more time inside during a hurricane than they would even in a snow storm, and they may be edgy about the weather.
This, says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, gives couples a chance to connect and spend more time together than they would normally. In her book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up, Dr.Bonnie mentions that weather can be a catalyst for physical intimacy. It’s of course important to do everything possible to stay safe physically, but there are some emotional benefits to be gleaned from this experience if we can slow down and notice them.
Conversely, bad weather can make people nervous, claustrophobic, foster addictions and increase eating. Some people may use this as an excuse to further their bad habits, but instead of relying on these crutches – which really just exacerbate the stress and nervousness – make time with your partner for snuggling, talking and kissing. Don’t just watch television, says Dr. Bonnie! Instead, use this time productively, to connect with your partner and deal with any problems that arise in a healthy way.
And stay safe!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert who was named by Psychology Today as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. Her book, Make Up Don’t Break Up recently won the New York Times “Relationship Book of the Year” award.
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity (Making Money Sexy).
Renee Talon, Renee at DoctorBonnie dot com or phone 941-429-8803Dr. Bonnie has 2 Press Release writers. Available if anyone would like to speak about our services.