NFL Wives Cheat Proof Their Marriages
New York, NY…………..Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD endorses the group of NFL wives who created Off The Market as an attempt to shore up their celebrity marriages and “cheat proof” their relationships. Author of Make Up Don’t Break Up, Dr. Bonnie explains that athletes are more apt to cheat for a few reasons. “People who become athletes are more apt to engage in risky behavior due to their biological make-up. There is a certain amount of stress that comes with the territory of being a celebrated athlete. The combination of media exposure, being physically attractive, and easy access to admiring fans adds up to opportunity.”
“Cheating is not an accident, it is a choice,” Dr. Bonnie explains. “The fact that this group of NFL wives have taken their secret fears out of the closet, exposed them publicly, and are willing to take steps to strengthen their marriages is a great step forward.”
The book Make Up Don’t Break Up offers tips to strengthen emotional intimacy—the glue of good marriages. “Kiss often, give long hugs, support more and criticize less are some of the tips I offer to keep a partner from straying.” Dr. Bonnie teaches couples that if they are not getting their needs met, or have issues in a marriage, cheating is not the answer. “Cheating is a temporary fix for an underlying problem that straying won’t fix. And, the recovery from infidelity is a difficult path. It takes years to recover from this type of betrayal.”
Inspired Media Communications*www.inspiredMC.com*Diane Dennis*503-678-1356
How to Holiday Proof Your Marriage
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Make Up Don’t Break Up warns couples that they must “holiday proof” their marriage and family in these economically challenging times.
“Holiday stress coupled with money anxiety is a set up for marital problems,” warns Dr. Bonnie. There is a direct correlation between stress and behavior that can be detrimental to relationships. From drinking too much, over eating, lack of sleep, and a myriad of other stress related behaviors a marriage on the brink can suffer irreparable damage.
According to a 2006 survey by the American Psychological Association (http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2006/12/women-stress.aspx) women are susceptible to feeling more stressed and engage in unhealthy behaviors during the holidays.
Dr. Bonnie suggests that both partners engage in activities that counteract the stresses many couples are sure to experience this holiday season. “Kiss more, hold more, and look for activities that create playful fun that aren’t costly.” Dr. Bonnie also recommends that couples tell the truth to their extended friends, family and children about their economic situation. “Don’t write checks you don’t have money for. Send a card with a loving sentiment instead of gifts. Friends and family will understand, and are most likely in similar economic situations.”
Another stress to marriages is unhappy kids who act out. Parents must also realize that their children feel stress, and busy parents miss the cues. “According to a 2009 study, (http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2009/11/stress.aspx), teens and tweens were more likely than parents to say that their stress had increased in the last year. Nearly half of the teens surveyed ages 13-17 said that they worried more this year, but only 28 percent of parents think their teen’s stress increased, and while a quarter of tweens ages 8-12 said they worried more this year, only 17 percent of parents believed their tween’s stress had increased. “This has two implications. Children are more stressed than ever, and parents aren’t aware,” explains Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie recommends that parents have healthy and honest discussions with their children about their fears and concerns, and teach appropriate behaviors to relieve stress, like playing ball instead of video games. Physical activity releases stress, while sitting exacerbates it.
Make Up Don’t Break Up offers communication tips, and assists couples develop skills to stay together when faced with adversity and the stressors of daily life.
How will this Media Attention Affect Brett Favre in this Big Game Tonight?
Life Sex & Menopause
When the news that 50-year-old Linda Hogan, ex-wife of famed wrestler Hulk Hogan got engaged to her 21-year-old boyfriend Charlie Hill, eyebrows shot up. Although it is common to see older men in relationships with younger women, the “cougar” dynamic of older women dating younger men remains taboo in the eyes of many. But statistics tell another story. A study compiled by AARP magazine shows that 34 percent of women over 40 are dating younger men. The study stated that the higher divorce rate over the last several years has contributed to the amount of single, 50+ women swimming in the dating pool.
Relationship expert Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, finds the cougar syndrome a boost to a woman’s waning sex drive and self esteem. As a woman ages, menopause can wreak havoc with her libido. “What better way to feel energized and more attractive, than to piggyback off a younger mans high libido. A younger energetic man helps a woman feel younger and more alive.”
Many women suffer from feelings of inadequacy as they transition into menopause. Dating a younger man can be a boost to the ego during a time when women often describe feeling invisible. And, it isn’t just the women driving the cougar relationships. Young men reportedly have no fear of being put down by their peers when there’s cougars like Demi Moore, married to a much younger Ashton Kutcher. For younger men, the attraction is finding older women confident, sexually mature, independent and knowing what they want.
In her book Make Up Don’t Break Up, Dr. Weil encourages singles to find ways to bring up that loving feeling, and for a woman facing issues of aging; a younger man might be the catalyst that picks up her pulse.
No Fault Divorce about to hit New York? What does that mean for couples and families?
Long-term divorce
After 40 years of marriage, famous political couple, Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up. The reason – at least the one being given – is abnormal within high visibility power couples: they simply grew apart. There’s no prostitution ring that’s been uncovered, no scandal that’s come out, no secretive trips or love children or taboo behavior.
It’s a misconception that couples who divorce later into their marriage are few and far between. According to an economist at Wharton who studies family trends, couples ARE more likely to divorce in the first ten years of marriage but after that the percentage of those divorcing each year is very similar throughout the years of marriage. In other words, there’s not a drop off point, a magic number that once you make it to, means you’re home free.
Case in point – on the heels of Tipper and Al’s announcement comes word that his oldest daughter, Karenna, married for 12 years, may also be seeking a divorce. She announced that she has been separated from her husband for the past three months.
So while there’s no “safe” point in terms of how long a couple has been married, there ARE things couples can do to ensure they’re growing closer together – and not further apart – as the years go on.
1. Smart Heart Dialogue: This is the first tip I always start with and one that I go into in great detail in Make Up Don’t Break Up. Most of us know that open, honest communication is key in a relationship, but it has to go deeper than that. We must create a safe space where each person feels comfortable sharing their concerns, struggles and emotions, even if sometimes those things are painful to hear.
2. Fight Fair: Fighting gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it can be a sign of a passionate, engaged relationship – you just have to know how to do it correctly! I suggest putting on an emotional “bullet-proof vest” where each partner agrees to be sensitive but frank and to not take things personally. But the bottom line is, don’t push things under the rug and believe the lie that people in good marriages don’t fight. It’s HOW you fight that’s important.
3. Have an affair with your partner: Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority! Remember, a touch CAN be magical! It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.
For more ideas on how to rekindle the spark of a relationship – or keep it burning! – check out my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up.
When Baby Bumps Spell Danger
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
If it seems like everyone around you is pregnant – maybe you’re even one of the pregnant ones! – you’re not crazy. More and more people are having kids, and many are having their third or fourth child. In 2007, American women gave birth to 4.3 million babies – that’s more than every before! And of those 4.3 million, more than a quarter of those babies were born to women either on their third or fourth child. An article in Women’s Health points out this doesn’t mean we’re all rushing to ensure our buns are in the oven, or that family size is growing exponentially – in fact, the average number of children per American family is still close to two.
But this birthing trend can reveal some issues that are less than warm-and-fuzzy. The problem may actually start with those feel-good hormones people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family. But wanting to re-capture those feelings, even subconsciously, can make for an unhealthy outcome – and an unhealthy relationship with your baby.
According to psychiatrist Carole Lieberman, M. D, “Women who are obsessed with being pregnant are literally filling an emptiness inside of them, just as alcoholics and drug addicts use substances to fill a psychological void.” It makes sense: we all want to feel less lonely, and for many, babies help them do just that. And this “fix” can easily become a cycle – when an infant becomes a more independent toddler the mom may search to fill the void again by having another baby.
These “bumpaholic” behaviors can ao be traced back feelings of abandonment by their own parents, which in turn creates that desire to not be alone or lonely. We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.
These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.
Do you stash cash?
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
No, I’m not talking about an emergency supply you may have in a kit for a natural disaster or the like (in which case you SHOULD stash your money!), I’m talking about those of us who have a habit of keeping our cash around the house. It’s even more understandable given the recent collapse of banks and all this uncertainty, but consider the example – albeit extreme – of the woman in Tel Aviv who had stashed $1 million in cash under her mattress (literally), which was then hauled away to the dump. The cash still hasn’t been recovered.
According to MSNBC, statistics on the number of people in the U.S. who stash cash at home are hard to come by, but a 2007 survey of 1,500 British adults by Virgin Money found 8 percent of them stash between approximately $500 to $1,650 around the house, usually tucked within a drawer, mattress or safe.
Utilizing a safe may be one thing, but too often cash-stashers don’t secure their loot behind a combination lock, which can lead to all kinds of problems – the money accidentally being thrown out, donated (when stashed inside a jacket pocket for instance), or stolen. Then you have the risk of fire or even forgetting where you put it!
An exercise I suggest in my book to people who have unhealthy relationships to and with money is to figure out their financial Imago, which I discuss in my book Financial Infidelity – which deals with peoples’ romantic relationships as well as their relationship with money.
Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are crucial questions you need to answer. How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety? Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?
Of course, these are only a few, sample questions to touch on before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. Many times you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple. And just as often, you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”
If you uncover that your passion for stashin’ is somewhat hereditary, you may want to go around emptying out drawers of heirloom dressers … JUST KIDDING!
Learning from Michael Jackson
by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
With Michael Jackson’s passing recently, the world lost a great musician who contributed infinitely to our cultural and musical landscape – he touched so many different worlds from fashion to culture to music and beyond. But there’s no doubt that he lived rather tragically toward the end of his life. From a perspective of the outside looking in, there are a few things we can learn from him in the realm of relationships and finances (and a lot more in many other areas as well!):
What’s your “Imago”?
How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.
Engage in dialogue
I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.
Don’t give into financial infidelity
Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.
Your money gram
Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”