How to feel the LOVE and SHINE the light This Thanksgiving
As we near thanksgiving I ask patients and people who follow me to take a moment and reflect and give thanks of what you are thankful for and appreciate and grateful for this past year.
Thanksgiving is a good time to take stock of who you can forgive and who can forgive you!
It is the most traveled holiday meaning families are together which can be a blessing but also bring anxiety and old memories and even triggers and reactivity. It does not need to be that way.
Some helpful tips that I also have used myself with my own family as well as with patients!!
1. Keep it light (my dad’s advice) at thanksgiving gatherings and dinner
2. Stay clear of hot button topics like money and politics
3. Be sensitive to jokes or sarcasm so as not to insult or bully
4. Use activities as watching football, a movie, a game to dilute competition and minimize power struggles.
5. Bringing a guest or guests can negate or dilute possible family drama or chaos, as most families are on best behaviors when guests are present!!
6. Lower your expectations of your family. Remember it’s not where you come from, it’s how you finish! Look for positives and gratitude not what drives you crazy about going back home, “let the sunshine in.”
Making getting together with family a pleasure not a chore , even if you think your family is dysfunctional!! That’s what makes it interesting.
Family stress for the holidays
I would like to ask everyone to lower your expectations of being ‘one big happy family’ during the holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years). These high expectations can kill relationships at holiday gatherings. It is essential to not force closeness.
The time you spend with your family and friends should be natural, not forced. To that end, follow the tips below to make it through the upcoming holidays.
- Have activities planned. The Nintendo Wii is the perfect example – families can communicate and be active, but still, minimize expectations of intimacy
- Stay away from heavy topics such as politics and other hot-button issues.
- Keep things light – avoid confrontation.
- For people that have had a previous falling out with a family member, call ahead to smooth things over a few weeks before the family event, and don’t discuss it at the event.
- Call ahead if you look forward to particular food and offer to bring it. Remind your family of the ritual of your favorite dish!
- If you come from a chaotic, dysfunctional family keep visits short and stay at a hotel.
- When possible host holiday gatherings on your own turf so you have control – and don’t offer your home up for people to stay there.
- Everything in balance to avoid arguments. Remember: drinking and sugary holiday goodies can lead people to be more argumentative.
- You don’t have to be superwoman or man. It’s OK to ask for help before or hire help. Hosts should talk about the expectations and agenda with their partner and kids so everyone’s clear on the role that they’ll play.
- Tell people what to bring to minimize cost or duplicates on the part of the host.
- Remember: Different strokes for different folks – ask people to bring movies that they like, and even extra DVD players to mitigate argument and conflict.
- If Aunt Edie brings her favorite inedible cake, tell her it’s so special you want to freeze and save for the new year (so you don’t have to serve it). Same with a non-drinkable bottle of wine.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil (Dr. Bonnie) is a relationship expert known as one of America’s best therapists, and by New York Magazine as one of New York City’s best therapists. US Commerce Association voted Dr. Bonnie Best Therapist 2011-2017.
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson), Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, Staying Not Straying, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.