It’s the Little Things
In light of this past weekend’s tragedy in Orlando, I want to take some time to talk about how not to take our partners or family members for granted.
It’s important to feel gratitude, write down those little things that melt our hearts, and see your partner or family member with new light. Focus on what they are doing, not on what they are not doing. Cherish those mindless moments that make up a relationship, like a walk in the park, eating an ice cream cone together, binge watching your favorite show, a cuddle in am and pm, an unexpected kiss or hand holding, touching his or her arm, or opening the door. The little things mean a lot! Count your blessings and make up don’t break up.
Why Staying Married is Worth the Challenge!
New research on marriage in this week’s issue of Time Magazine, discussed how to stay married and why no matter the challenge, it’s worth it! Belinda Luscombe’s article speaks to the expectations that are are so much higher than they once were, which is why more effort needs to be put in than ever before. I always tell patients your partner needs to enhance who you are and let you be your true self! In other words: you’re better together as it brings out the best in each of you separately and together. In line with my writings on adultery, the research shows that adultery can be seen as a forgivable sin, but remorse, an end to the affair, and reconciliation are paramount. Marrieds have greater health, finances, sex lives, and overall happiness than singles, and I see this in my practice. I have seen couples reach real life love when they are more gentle and kind with each other. When the power struggle is gone and good will takes over, it reminds couples of how it was in the beginning when they first met each other. Sarcastic remarks or tones in a contemptuous way corrode marriages and without respect, love erodes. I speak about this in “Make Up, Don’t Break Up” and my Education 2 Go course on Marriage and Relationships: keys to success http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships. The first and most important thing to decide is that divorce is not an option. This is what I did with my husband of 27 years. Because of that, we work through things differently, with that commitment and love leading the way. Men need to be educated to do the emotional heavy lifting in order to make a relationship last the test of time–it’s what I call “connectable by instruction.” Fair fighting is important! Polite marriages are higher in adultery. Conflict and passion often go hand-in-hand. Sex is important too! Many married couples make the mistake of turning into only a friendship. We need to reawaken those endorphins you experienced when you first fell in love. You can have both, but you need to set aside time for this. It’s key to compartmentalize this from problems, and do not mix the two!
Food is the new Porn
Since”eating healthy ” is the new craze and we want what we can’t have, it’s no wonder that food is being called the new “porn.” Have you seen those Facebook food videos popping up everywhere? They come complete with music to get you in the mood and an “oh yeah” finish! Luckily, many of my female patients can empathize with their partner looking at food porn. Breaking bread together is part of a relationship and these rituals give us memories together. We can connect by cooking together from these recipes. Best of all, there’s no guilt watching food videos like some may experience watching porn and forbidden fruit also gives us a dopamine high.
Why Women Should Make the First Move!
So, why should women make the first move? Because as my husband of 27 years says, “woman is the guardian of connection. This is how I developed my SmartHeart skills for women and men–with the help of my husband ‘s male advice. Men are connectable by instruction, but need guidelines of GENTLE reliance. This is similar to what Grandma taught me, “let Grandpa think it’s HIS idea.” This is especially helpful for men who are commitment phobic, these skills work and they are tried and true from my courtship with my husband Dr. Jeff. “I did it so can you” is the last chapter in my book, “Make Up, Don’t Break Up.”
The new dating app Bumble was created on the premise of women making the first move and it exemplifies what I’ve been saying for years. Dating skills work best when women make the first move. Testimonials from both my male and female patients using Bumble prove it! Men are more sensitive to rejection than women and have more sensitive egos so they are flattered to be picked by a woman. As women, we do not have to wait for the man to call, see us ,or pursue, since they are likely to procrastinate and feel more comfortable with disconnecting than connecting. My single patients, both female and male, are meeting quality dates through this app without wasting time on incompatible dates. Many singles stop relationships before they start as they are not desensitizing themselves to rejection, the m.o. and yet, kiss of death of dating . Remember when you get frustrated my mother’s advice,”it only takes one.” It may take 76 coffee dates, but take dating seriously, have a sense of humor and remember “it only takes one.” Don’t give up! It’s right around the corner!
Women who have been cheated on.
A study reported by Fox News that was conducted by Binghamton University and the University of London reported that women who have been cheated on can do better in the long run if they have gotten over their anger and plus if they have learned better life skills and learned how to be treated.
Trouble in Paradise: Dr. Bonnie Provides Antidote for Illicit ‘Cheat Retreat’
Dr. Bonnie responds to the most shocking cheating strategy in the works since Ashley Madison with her ground-breaking solution to “cure” infidelity.
Recently, news of a “cheat retreat” hit the wires outlining Illicit Encounters’ latest business plan to build a “sex island” off the U.K. coast where spouses can go to carry out their secret affairs and effectively get away with it. The Island offers their guests guaranteed secrecy with a wide range of professional services to help guests cover their tracks. This new practice of adultery takes scandal and deception to the next level and Dr. Bonnie has something big to say about it.
“The development of an institutional practice encouraging cheaters to ‘hideaway’ with even more lying and faking should be a major wakeup call. It’s a fundamental change in the way we’re thinking about relationships and love, and we need to understand the root cause of this phenomenon in order to fix it. Only 35 percent of couples stay together when adultery occurs…and it does not have to be that way. Getting rid of a person does not get rid of the problem,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, renowned relationship therapist and author of Adultery the Forgivable Sin and Make Up, Don’t Breakup.
Her theory biochemical craving for connection explains adultery as a method of self-medication due to a blood sugar and brain chemical imbalance. During times of loss, separation, or stress, these imbalances are amplified and, if not treated, cause behaviors like addiction and adultery for temporary relief. Dr. Bonnie asserts that with the appropriate psychotherapy, which includes her revolutionary “smart heart dialogue,” we can reverse and correct the imbalances driving this destructive, thrill-seeking behavior.
Check out Dr. Bonnie’s expertise highlighted on the Discovery Health Channel:
Sign up for Dr. Bonnie’s my Ed2Go course on adultery prevention: marriage and relationships: keys to success here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships
Time to Tackle Your Relationship During Superbowl
Instead of allowing the final football game of the season to drive a wedge in a relationship, Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil suggest couples use the superbowl to get close and cuddle with your partner to “touchdown” together using attachment skills. “Half time is the perfect time to re-connect sexually and make the game that much more interesting,” she advises.
Couples should keep in mind that sex is the best if there’s a positive all-around experience so be sure to cook or purchase favorite foods and snacks to have on hand during the game. “Many couples watch the game together,” notes Dr. Bonnie, “and this is the perfect time to add in sex during half time.” Endorphins are running high during football games, especially when favorite teams are playing – so Dr. Bonnie suggests putting those endorphins to good use. This heightened endorphin level encourages the sizzle and passion that comes with great sex.
Even for couples that won’t be watching the game together, it’s helpful to create a fun atmosphere. Often women are the ones who choose not to watch the game, and they may resent their husband’s decision to do so. Instead of letting football drive a wedge in the relationship, use it as an opportunity to create a positive experience for both people. Women not watching the game can encourage their husband to have a good time without them, with an understanding that there will be couple time later, or the wife will have some free time to spend doing something she enjoys. If a woman’s husband realizes that she’s stretching to be a football fan, he’s going to want to stretch for her in other areas.
In either case, the use the Superbowl to create a space where both people end up happy and fulfilled, instead of engaged in a power struggle.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is a private practice NYC Psychotherapist. She counsels couples, singles, adults and children worldwide via telephone and/or on-site. She is the author of the Best Seller and Readers Choice Award winning book Make Up, Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD; as well as the book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, which was turned into the Lifetime movie Silence of Adultery. Dr. Bonnie appeared on the pilot that currently still airing on Discovery Health OWN titled “Unfaithful” and can be seen here http://youtu.be/BHk37fj-3Lk.
Dr. Bonnie Weil has launched her first Education 2 Go Course Marriage and Relationships: Keys to Success. Read more and register here: http://www.ed2go.com/online-courses/marriage-and-relationships?tab=detail
The People vs O.J. Simpson
American crime story mini-series begins this week on FX
And this has caused quite a stir, especially from the families of the victims, as it focuses on the lawyers and OJ behind the scenes, supposedly with racial overtones between Los Angeles police and potential perpetrators.
At the same time Dr. Bennet Omalu, who discovered CTE, brain disease from concussions, specific to football players announced he would bet his medical license on the fact that OJ had CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy). Unfortunately people are using this statement as if this Dr. is excusing bad behavior; enabling or condoning bad behavior. Others argue he wants to enlighten people to this disease and to help players and family members look for symptoms, to prevent violence and suicides that some football players are experiencing.
It may not be a coincidence that this series comes out the week of the Super Bowl.
Q&A with Dr. Bonnie Weil
New Life Only a Click Away
I recently saw a heart-breaking story in The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/fashion/in-a-divorce-the-clicks-of-a-mouse-modern-love.html?_r=1&pagewanted=1&ref=fashion&src=me from a woman whose husband had been having an affair with a woman he met online, unbeknown to her. Perhaps even more tragically, this story is not that uncommon. In fact there are a number of statistics that reveal how widespread this has become:
Internet users devote three hours per week to online sexual exploits (MSNBC.com)
- -Statistics show more than 72,000 sexually explicit sites on the web and an estimated 266 new porn sites being added each day. These sites alone generate a revenue of $1 billion dollars each year.
(Harding Institute) - One in 10 respondents said they are addicted to sex and the Internet
(MSNBC.com and Dr. Alvin Cooper)
It’s become overly simple to meet someone online for sex – in fact it’s more difficult to avoid these types of propositions than it is to take advantage of them, as the woman in the article found when, following her divorce, she did a little online sex research of her own:
[After posting my ad] I refreshed my e-mail and a dozen more replies showed up. Within the hour I had more than 100. I was appalled but also flattered
Needless to say, these types of encounters are easy to procure and appear much less high-risk than attempting to pick someone up in real life. However, the real life consequences are just as devastating. It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” of a sexual encounter instead. It could be the case that people looking for casual encounters via the internet are seeking out a way to mask the fact that they don’t want to deal with their emotions or don’t know how to engage in true intimacy. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. People who utilize the internet for these types of “relationships” are typically just in it for the high the feel in the moment without examining what’s making them seek that high.
When one person in a couple suffers from this need for thrill-seeking behavior it’s imperative that the person communicate with their partner – and with themselves – as to what’s leading them into this pattern. As I suggest in the documentary, Unfaithful (featured on the OWN Network), it’s imperative to dig deeper than indulging a momentary desire and learn what feeds the need to act in such a way.
In this sense, the course of action for dealing with this behavior is the same as if it weren’t fueled by technology. However the ever-presence of sex online has made this type of thrill-seeking much more accessible, and seem much less risky. This perception is just not true. Engaging in an affair – online, offline or otherwise – is fraught with risk and reveals relationship shortcomings that need to be talked out, not acted out.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of the 2010 NY Times Reader’s Choice Award winning book Make Up Don’t Break Up with accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying In Love counsels couples considering breaking up, people who have committed adultery, and couples who want to strengthen their relationships damaged by resentment or unresolved anger, teaching people to “fight” to increase passion, bring back magic and restore the sizzle. Dr. Bonnie teaches Smart Heart Dialogue along with communication and connection tools, and counsels families and children.
Known as “The Adultery Buster” and the “No. 1 Love Expert,” she is the best-selling author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin (adapted into a Lifetime movie starring actress Kate Jackson) Coming Nov 2011 as eBook, Make Up Don’t Break Up, Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (Revised edition Feb 2010, including DVD How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples), Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?, How Not to (S)mother Your Man and Keep a Woman Happy, and Financial Infidelity.
Dr. Bonnie has appeared on a Discovery Health documentary titled “Unfaithful” and A&E on addictions. ABC’s Good Morning America, a three-day series on NBC’s The Today Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show five times, a four day series on Fox TV regarding dating. She appears frequently on ABC, Fox, CBS and NBC News, The View, 20/20, and CNN. Visit Dr. Bonnie at http://www.DoctorBonnie.com.