Fighting Fair is necessary for fidelity, passion and health

On the heels of the news this weekend that Agelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will be separating, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage people to learn how to fight fair. Fighting in a relationship is not in itself a bad thing – in fact it’s usually necessary for a relationship to survive. A relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I talk about the dialogue necessary to fight fair in my book Make up Don’t Breakup (which will be re-released in March with new chapters).

Additionally, Brad and Angelina are definitely in a unique situation, but also share some common denominators that many of us have experienced. Angelina is likely looking for a new adventure as a response to her feelings of separation and loss she may still be dealing with due to her mother passing away. She’s experiencing what I call a Biochemical Craving for Connection. This can be momentarily assuaged by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior such as requesting and open relationship, traveling, working, or engaging in an affair (among many other things) but it only leads to a more pronounced cycle of stress, separation and loss when each “adventure” winds down and the person is left with the original feelings.

I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.  It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right.  Instead of shame and blame you should give three solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Fighting fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe. Here are a few other pointers:

*Ask permission – you want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.

*Put time limits on the “fight” – it’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.

*Use “I” sentences – don’t blame or criticize

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created

Beware the holiday (relationship) hangover

You know how a hangover feels ~ you likely had a good time the night before but then the morning comes and you feel sick, tired and – if you can remember anything – know that you likely made some bad decisions. So it is with what I’m calling the holiday relationship hangover.

The holidays have the opportunity to be both inspirational or detrimental to a relationship. If we look around, we’ll find there are so many opportunities to make bad decisions, and the circumstances we surround ourselves with during this time of year certainly don’t help. We’re going to holiday parties, drinking more than normal, stressing out about family, celebrating a new year, socializing beyond our means, eating more than we should and in short, creating an environment that can be potentially hazardous to our relationship.

There are several major reasons people commit adultery, which I talk about in the book, Financial Infidelity. One of the main ones is to counteract feelings of stress, separation or loss. The holidays can bring ALL these feelings up at once. There’s so much to stress out about, we are easily reminded of loved ones that are no longer with us or of family we find it hard to be around. If your partner isn’t emotionally available during this time, things can get even harder. The solution here is not to let that push you into the arms of someone else, but to work things out with your significant other.

Another reason people stray is due to the biochemical craving for connection. During this time of year, people are more vulnerable and they’re looking for someone to connect with. The good news is, this is also a time of year to reconnect with family and friends, so take advantage of that and share your emotions with someone you’re close to – don’t take it out in the form of an affair.

And of course there are all the outside factors I mentioned briefly above: alcohol, parties, sweets, and so forth. These things in and of themselves lower inhibitions and can make it easier to make a mistake you’ll regret – when taking all together it can be especially dangerous! The best advice here is perhaps the most obvious – know your limits.

Bad news for candy and chocolate lovers – sweets also have a biochemical effect on stress. Comfort foods plays on stress in a negative way cause more sexual cravings. I know – it’s frustrating that it seems we’re getting assaulted even from our faithful friend, food. But again, being aware of your limits, having people you can share your stresses with, and trying to not become too stressed in the first place are all good ways to protect yourself.

You also might want to practice saying “no” – especially in this economy more and more people are staying in instead of partying, cutting back on gift-giving and hanging out at home with the people who are closest to them. After all, that should be what the season is about, any way!

Is he sabotaging closeness?

Does he act mean or irritable distance from you or punish you after close moments?

Is he oblivious to or not able to acknowledge things that you feel are important?

Does he withdraw or check out when you tell him you need his help?

Does he say come close but move away or come close but not too close?

In this recession it is time to have an affair… but with your own partner!

by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.

Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:

*Make a decision to fall in love again.
Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

*Treat each other like you did at the beginning.
Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

*Give up your old money relationships
Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!

To Confront or Not Confront: If you suspect infidelity this holiday season

Quote

“Life is not perfect remember when you’re ready to criticize your partner, you need to remember how it is to roam around by your self with no one to share life’s wonderful moments such as the holidays.”

The Balance Of Power: How Sex and Money Affect Your Relationships

Ever wondered what it would be like to make a career out of sex? Showtime’s new show “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” plays to just such curiosity.

It is based on the book which was based on the blog of an English call girl who sells her body to strangers because she loves sex and money.

As Entertainment Weekly reports:

“Call Girl” is a blatant attempt to re-create the friction and success of “Sex and the City” down to the knowing-girlfriend voice-over. Indeed, as Hannah by day, Belle by night, Piper gives us a sassy cross between Carrie and Samantha. If either of those characters had been British. Or hookers.

The series seems to make the case that you CAN be happy and be a prostitute, yet arguing that this is an enjoyable alternate career choice seems difficult to do. And the women who claim to have successfully done this are seemingly few and far between.

Sex and Money

Sex and money seem to be common themes nowadays, as sex scandals abound, and the money that comes along with it is obscene! As our culture becomes more engrossed in the pairing of these two subjects, they are also the two topics causing the most problems in marriage.

Sex is tied into money and that’s all wrapped up in power. The power struggle between men and women, in our relationships and marriages is familiar territory, if only recently glorified by bawdy TV shows.

The Balance of Money, Sex, and Power

As I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity, the balance of money, sex, and power can make or break a relationship, and often times, financial infidelities can take just as heavy a toll on a relationship as a a sexual infidelity.

Couples often fall into financial infidelity when they are not honest about how they spend money, or don’t discuss the strain that finances can put on a relationship.

One person may be overspending and going behind the other’s back by getting cash back at the grocery store and using it for personal items, operating bank accounts that the other person doesn’t know about, or any one of a number of things, some of which may seem inconsequential.

Often, the issue isn’t that one partner is withdrawing, say $20 without the other’s knowledge, it’s the spirit of deceit in which it’s done.

The Blowback

The blowback from this can be financial: when the “deceived” partner finds out what’s going on, they may feel entitled to make purchases of their own, further eroding the confines of a budget, not to mention trust.

It can also be relational as financial infidelity involves going behind someone’s back, covering your tracks, and not being honest with your partner, just like sexual infidelity.

Knowing how to deal with these struggles and understanding the differences between you and your partner when it comes to these things is crucial to a healthy, respectful relationship. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if you haven’t pried into your financial history before.

A good place to start is by discussing your personal money habits, then taking a look at how money was dealt with in your past and in your family. You might be able to start drawing some conclusions about current behavior from examining your past.

Bump-a-holic

by Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

I’ve written earlier about the craze that seems to be infiltrating many communities and homes, creating less than ideal conditions for babies and parents: the bumpaholic. And I believe this type of pregnancy can be less than ideal for several reasons.

It’s for the wrong reasons.
We’ve all heard about the more common situations under which a pregnancy isn’t a good idea, even if it’s planned. Things like getting pregnant to keep the man, to try and save the relationship, or to create a bigger purpose in your life. But here’s another ill-advised reason to procreate: an attempt to recapture those feel-good hormones people experience during pregnancy along with the attention from friends and family.

Women in these situations should look at the reasons why they’re desiring this type of attention and endorphin rush. In my book, Make up, Don’t Breakup I talk about why relationships stagnate and then go south and investigate ways to keep this from happening. If you’re searching for attention and connection, examine that with your partner before you bring another person into your lives!

It’s financially stressful.
Sure, there’s never a PERFECT time to have a baby, but naturally certain times are better than others! With the financial strain many of us are facing now, it’s simply not wise to add and additional financial burden to the equation. Which brings me to my next point.

Doing so can create strain in a relationship.
In many Bumpaholic situations, the women often strongly desires a child while the man may be more reticent. Pressuring a partner into having a baby can be one of the most dangerous forms of financial infidelity. Not only can it easily become a point of contention between partners, it can also present an unhealthy and volatile environment to bring a kid into.

It’s denying feelings at the core.
I touched on this in my first point, but when it comes to feel-good hormones and attention paid to us, it’s only natural to want more! We have a biochemical craving for connection, as I mention in my book Financial Infidelity, that spurs us on to want to connect with the important people in our lives. When those needs aren’t met by our parents, we can try to overcompensate for that as we become parents ourselves, by looking to create a large family. Or it can be a reflection of the abandonment people feel from their significant other, or from life in general. As our society becomes busier and busier we pull away more and more from the relationships that should be an integral part of our lives. Creating a baby with someone not only allows us to feel close to that person, but gives us someone to lavish our affection, emotion and energy on.

These are all dangerous reasons for bringing kids into the world! Just as alcoholics must examine their relationship to alcohol and what drives them into the destructive habit, so too must a mom looking for fulfillment through pregnancy look at her reasons for doing so.