Since 1990 there has been a 40% increase in adultery with women, and they are, of course, not only catching but surpassing men. I feel it’s time that men step up to the plate with women’s help to ease our burdens. CNN published an article earlier this month, on October 5th written by Kim Brooks from The Cut. She wrote about “The changing reasons why women cheat on their husbands.” In the article, Ms. Brooks talked about men stepping up to the plate and how women are cheating because it’s exhausting for them to keep explaining how exhausted they are and how much help they need from their husbands. They are therefore using cheating as the answer to this superwoman role that they have, and that is never-ending. These women feel that their husbands “know, ” but they don’t know the women in their lives need support, attention, and to be cared for.

Here is my response to that article:

I agree with the Ms. Brooks, it’s time that men step up to the plate, and it’s time that we educate and teach them rather than rationalizing that it’s OK for women to cheat. Truth be told, women have been talking to men for years and men sometimes don’t listen, they shut down, and move very slowly. The only way a lot of men move is when the women revolt and they have a strike. Having an affair is like having a strike. And I believe that the affair is a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize the marriage, but many women feel it stabilizes the marriage or relationship and causes equilibrium for them. It’s not an escape hatch or the way to leave. It’s the way to stay by having romance, stimulation, diversion, and fun outside the marriage or relationship.

They see their husbands as a package deal with the kids with all the responsibilities, bills, and problems and they are compartmentalizing with an affair. This is why I advocate for Fantasy Fridays, an example outlined in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up, showing couples taking turns surprising their mate with a fantasy date and having an affair with your partner.

I believe the affair is a shake up and wake up, to wake up the system and help the woman to have an emotional connection, and I believe that this doesn’t solve the problem because it’s a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize the marriage. Because women are suffocated, overwhelmed, and resentful having to be a superwoman, they want more help from the men. And not getting help becomes a romance wrecker for women.

Some women have said that foreplay is when the man does the diapers or does the laundry.

So many feel that women have lost their moral compass, with society reeking of easy and secretive access to the various social platforms available and the symptoms of depersonalization, lack of empathy, and love they may cause.

Exhausted, alienated, alone, over responsible women are turning to quick fixes and thrill-seeking highs to self-medicate. They’re looking for pleasure and power. They’re tired of being invisible and having to deal with the labor both at home and at work. These women are looking for romance and because the affair is not associated with chores, responsibilities, and fatigue, the women are the priority.  The caretaking can become suffocating them, causing resentment and ultimately wrecking the romance in her marriage. The division of labor is harder on women, and they too are looking for better sex.

Because they’ve been talking the relationship to death and still not being heard.  The way that they’re getting heard is by shaking up and waking up the system with an affair. Which is ultimately their way of getting heard, by getting back at their husbands, and trying to get the romance back on track.  However, they’re too angry with their husbands to have the romance with him. Because most men move slowly, much slower than women, they usually don’t notice or take action until the woman is revolting by cheating to get the attention they’re looking for in hopes of changing the behavior in their husbands.

The increased epidemic of women cheating speaks to my theory of the biochemical craving for connection that I discussed in these videos – Bio Chemical Craving for Connection This is when a woman or man has stress, loss, and separation, and then they turn to a quick fix or self-medicating high.  There’s more about this on the documentary Unfaithful, and I even have a cheat sheet that I would like both women and men to look at.

Men have to be very, very careful that their wife is not cheating since it’s up 40% since 1990. Use this cheat sheet to see if your man or your woman is cheating.If you are a woman that is tempted or “thinking about cheating” because you can no longer hold the line.  This cheat sheet can help to get you on the right path.  Take a look at the things about your relationship that is making you unhappy, because in most cases there is still time to change the dynamic of your relationship.

An affair is a quick fix, but why not fix the exhaustion. Why can’t a team still work together and still be erotic? We tend to think either or, but it doesn’t have to be that way, and you don’t have to just be parent-oriented. You can be a parent, and you can be a wife, you can do both. So many couples are so busy being good parents that they don’t make romance a priority. They think that they can’t, but they can really can do both. They then make the frequent mistake of forgetting about the romance.

In my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, that was also made into a movie, you can read more about cheating and find the cheat sheet for women on page 99. The cheat sheet for men can be found in my book Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery.  I also developed a theory to create dialogue appropriate for children when an affair, separation, or divorce happens.

If women continue to cheat at this high level, we need people to look at the legacy that’s being handed down to the next generation. What about the kids? What’s the impact on the kids and what is their legacy for generations to come, because adultery affects not just the here and now. Therefore it’s a selfish act that perpetuates the symptom.

I highly emphasize, that now is the time that men to step up to the plate and for women to realize they don’t have to revolt by cheating to get men to listen. We also need to educate men, so they want and know how to listen.

With the holidays around the corner, and it being a time of year when there is a high rate of cheating happening with both women and men.  It’s really important to review this cheat sheet with your partner, it could help to prevent you or your partner from cheating this holiday.

Want to prevent cheating in your relationship get our FREE online resource! Click the image below to get your copy.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D
Love and Relationship Expert