This is the continuation of my previous post.
How you and your partner answer the next questions, how much effort you are willing to put in, will decide reconciliation or divorce.
Ask yourself and your partner these questions BEFORE, you make any decision about divorce or reconciliation.
- Are you leaving mainly because you can’t deal with the uncertainty any longer?
- Are you leaving because you just want to take any action, even if it is not the right action?
- Are you leaving because of confusion or hurt?
- Are you leaving because of emotional exhaustion?
- Are you leaving mainly because the hurt has numbed your love?
- Do you feel not in love anymore, even though you fell in love once and you married for love?
- Are you leaving mainly due to stubbornness, which is preventing you from rebuilding and reconciling?
- Is your indecisiveness—not knowing who to choose—causing you to leave those whom you love?
- Are you leaving mainly because your partner refuses professional help? Are you aware that sometimes the runaway is slow to come around and you, the pursuer, need to lead?
- Do you see that divorce doesn’t solve your problem?
- Do you feel blame gives you more control, and you can’t get beyond this?
- Are you leaving mainly because you believe getting rid of a person is getting rid of your problem?
- Do you understand the fragile nature of relationships and the skills necessary to do it differently?
- Do you know divorce doesn’t always end a relationship, especially if you have children?
If there are more yes’s than no’s you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. If there are more no’s than yes’s, your marriage probably can be saved, so work harder.
Take the time to recapture that love underneath the anger and hurt you are now feeling.
If you are thinking about dumping your husband or partner, think very hard about your reasoning.
The questions above come from my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, Chapter 16 – “When the Forgivable Sin Is Not Forgivable” if you would like to read more about saving your marriage.
As I stated in my previous post, most marriages/relationships can be saved even with adultery. Most people leave instead of working harder.
They don’t know where to start or how to reconnect when anger and hurt, numb the Love and Connection.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and I also I talk more about that in Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.
I’m asking couples to melt hearts by melting grudges. Hold hands, not grudges. These tips can be found in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, Chapter 22 “Repairing The Damage” (pages 307, 308, & 309 one if the physical book) where I state that grudges come from trying to gain control and trying to cover up the pain, the hurt, and the anger and they never work. That’s why forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Remember that it will take a while to get those feelings back, that doesn’t mean that love is gone. Positive actions can negate the grudge.
Whatever you do and practice the most you become. That is why positive thinking and being grateful is so important, even if you don’t feel romantic, be romantic, take action steps and your loving romantic positive feelings will follow.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
