You CAN be happy in a relationship…

With the patients with whom I have encouraged to be more positive and show gratitude by doing daily gratitude exercises, I tailored for them, along with meditating to be in the moment, they are no longer thinking too much ahead about the outcome of the journey in a negative manner, no matter the stress it may have caused previously. Their here and now circumstance are much happier! Creating more ease when dealing with their partner and a better overall flow in their relationship.

This I also noticed and is demonstrated by an amazing “Happiness” course at Harvard that backs this up.

My upbringing was like this, with both my parents always positive, no matter what. Believing in themselves and each other, always appreciating and showing gratitude for the simplest thing. An example I remember is my Dad saying “isn’t this the best marbleized rib-eye steak you ever saw?” Mom would buy me a special raincoat and rubber boots so I looked forward to when it rained (Mom would get excited and would say Now we can talk a lovely walk in the rain as it drizzles.)

I even looked forward to getting my tonsils out as Mom said let’s buy a pretty party dress for you to wear to the hospital to cheer you up when you have the procedure. She knew I loved ice cream and said when you wake up from the procedure I’ll be there with ice cream and she was. To this day I get happy eating ice cream because it reminds me of these moments with my mother.

Professor Laurie Santos has developed at Harvard the Happiness course called PSYC157: Psychology and the Good Life and it’s so popular it has 1,200 students enrolled. I point that out to say You too can be happier. Choosing Happiness, a conscious choice, therefore, no matter what you’re experiencing, it all comes down to how you respond to it.

You can change any existing behavior that is not serving you, one that causes you to be stressed, or angry to be more grateful and positive. In fact, if you write 5 things you are grateful for each day for 8 days, you will see a shift in your happiness quotient, practicing self-compassion, and no longer beating yourself up. Meditating with a happiness mantra for only 5-min a day also helps, try getting your partner engaged as well. Having a visual “bubble wrap” around you, even if a family member tries to negatively bring you down, is key to in keeping happiness, not “doom and gloom” in the forefront. Doing this affects how you see your partner and your relationship, in fact, and how successful you will be in your life. The research says “money is not equated with happiness once your physical needs are satisfied.”

In my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples (quoted as the best Manual for saving a relationship he has ever seen by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. who did the forward) I write about the experiences of my family and my patients who have a positive spin on life and how it affects happiness, and the positive outcomes it created in our lives and the lives of my patients!

I recently came across an article in the NY Times Science Section on millennials putting off marriage until all their ducks are in a row, wanting to “find” themselves and be more prepared for marriage. They want to stay married for forever, not divorced. Many are living together or were friends for a decade before moving in together, friends first or friends with benefits! Women and men both are marrying later in life the article says, taking more time to get to know each other before marrying.

Nearly 70% of singles surveyed by Match.com recently as part of the 8th annual survey of singles in America said they wanted a serious relationship. The median age of marriage has risen to 29.5 for men and 27.4 for women in 2017, up from 23 for men and 20.8 for women in 1970. Over half of Millennials who said they had a friends with benefits relationship said it evolved into a romantic relationship compared to 41% of Genexers and 38% of baby boomers and some 40% of Millennials said a platonic relationship evolved into a romantic relationship with nearly one-third of them saying the romantic relationship grew into a serious committed relationship.

This is why I wrote Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples , accompanied by a video on “Falling in love and staying in love”, to help get past the third date to commitment, and for couples to learn how to stay together and in love with the parks for a lifetime, like I did and do, and how my parents did, even after adultery. Marriage is now becoming the last not first part of adulthood, so people are more prepared. I am so happy more couples are calling me for help on working out potential issues BEFORE they move in or marry to prevent breaking up; Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples  I also go into how to prevent divorces and help couples to preempt potential problems with the tools and specific dialogue and prescription to do so. Men do better with a template of “how to” as they are fixers by nature and women are the guardian of connection, its a win-win for both.

Marriage is being postponed not because it’s going out of style but because people are wanting to be more prepared more for it and learn the how to’s.

Here are some tips from this manual:

• Do affirmations daily alone or with your partner
• Make time to have dinner together without devices, no tv twice a week and on weekends, use this time to reconnect with one another after a rough day or busy week.
• Having problems or disagreements? Make an appointment and schedule a time within 24 hours when you will talk about it
• DO NOT keep score or seek revenge after revealing vulnerabilities to your partner during a talk!
• Reward each other after a difficult talk.

Talking about money is one of the most difficult talks couples have. For how to have money talks check out my book on Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D.- Love and Relationship Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:

Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples 
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker