Should The Betrayed Ever Meet The Lover?
This is the final post of the three-part series. Often the betrayer feels sorry for or does not want to hurt the paramour or lover and cannot end the affair! Then the betrayed must step in, however, there are strict guidelines for when and how to confront the lover and when contradicted!
While this may sound like the plot of a Grade B psychological thriller, I believe it is sometimes helpful for the Betrayed to meet the lover, even if only over the telephone. Unhealthy obsession is the usual reason I recommend a controlled confrontation in a neutral area between Betrayed and lover. If the betrayed spouse is so obsessed with thoughts and questions about the lover that he/she cannot move past it into forgiveness, reconciliation, acceptance of responsibility or even grieving for the damaged marriage, the process is stagnant and progress becomes impossible.
Remember, your spouse’s lover is probably not as gorgeous, brilliant, virile, or irresistible as you imagine. In fact, chances are good that the lover is a lot like you, your spouse’s true image, his or her opposite. After all, you have the characteristics that caused your spouse to see you as having the missing parts that made him/her a whole person. Despite the fact that he or she has cheated, in almost all cases, you are your spouse’s true love.
Every suggestion, exercise, and contract in Can We Cure and Forgive
Adultery, Understanding Our Biochemical Craving For Connection is presented with the objective of helping you and your spouse to rekindle that love and keep it glowing in your hearts forever. Meanwhile, however, you must resolve any questions or obsession you have with your spouse’s lover before you can move forward.
Confronting the lover is necessary if your partner wants to stop cheating, has the motivation but can’t take the action. When I treat couples I also see whether the betrayed’s subliminal message is it’s OK just don’t leave me! I teach boundaries, and guidelines to the couple to use adultery to identify what’s really wrong and fix it (getting rid of the smoke screen of adultery.)
I am here to support you with any questions you may have from how to make up to how to deal with an affair. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin – Turned into a movie Unfaithful: Discovery Health
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Divorce-meter: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
To the two percent of couples who divorce, I say: Congratulations! You tried to save your marriage, you did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But before we get to that point, I ask couples seriously considering divorce to take my “Divorce-meter” questionnaire.
“Divorce-meter”: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
- Were you ever “in love” with your spouse?
- Has the love between you disappeared? If yes, are you sure
- Did you and your partner both commit yourselves to working seriously on your problems?
- Are you trying to escape emptiness?
- Are you bitter? Are you able to forgive?
- Do you want to be “right” so you don’t have to forgive?
- Do you hold grudges? Do other people in your family?
- Do you suffer from false pride?
- Is your inability to let go of your anger a sign you want to divorce?
- Did you receive a sexually transmitted disease from your partner? Are you unable to forgive the Betrayer because of that?
- Are you avoiding intimacy out of panic?
- Is your hurt too deep to forgive?
- Are you confusing hurt with the death of your relationship?
- Did you have and confess an affair to escape your marriage?
- Did you work through your guilt about being the Betrayer before you decided to divorce?
- Is this unresolved guilt the true cause of the divorce, not the fact that you fell in love with someone else?
- Are you putting your lover’s needs ahead of your family’s and partner’s?
- Whether you are the Betrayed or the Betrayer, are you using divorce to escape your feelings of emptiness?
- By not accepting responsibility for the part you played in the affair (whether you’re the Betrayed or the Betrayer), are you making divorce the only possible outcome?
- Do you truly understand the emotional resources you need to develop inside yourself, and what another person can give you?
- Do you feel you’ve been emotionally divorced for a long time?
- Did you try action oriented marital therapy? Did you do it alone if your partner?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. And please seek professional help before calling the divorce lawyer! Make certain that divorce is the only answer, and that you are truly unable or unwilling to work out your problems. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.
I suspect, however, that you are among the 98 percent of my patients who decide to stay together, work out their problems, and find true love in the marriage they’ve already created. I hope you are—but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! You still have work to do in the area I call “resolution”: the Betrayer must end the affair (if you haven’t already), both partners must decide what (and if) to tell the children, and begin to re-establish trust and love. This could be the hardest part of all.
If your partner is having trouble ending the affair and many times adulterer does not want to hurt the feelings of the lover or paramour or the lover and need help to end the affair. Next week I will go into how to end an affair.
Do you want to save your marriage? Get your questions answered. Call me directly at 212-606-3787.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples