Divorce-meter: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
To the two percent of couples who divorce, I say: Congratulations! You tried to save your marriage, you did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But before we get to that point, I ask couples seriously considering divorce to take my “Divorce-meter” questionnaire.
“Divorce-meter”: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
- Were you ever “in love” with your spouse?
- Has the love between you disappeared? If yes, are you sure
- Did you and your partner both commit yourselves to working seriously on your problems?
- Are you trying to escape emptiness?
- Are you bitter? Are you able to forgive?
- Do you want to be “right” so you don’t have to forgive?
- Do you hold grudges? Do other people in your family?
- Do you suffer from false pride?
- Is your inability to let go of your anger a sign you want to divorce?
- Did you receive a sexually transmitted disease from your partner? Are you unable to forgive the Betrayer because of that?
- Are you avoiding intimacy out of panic?
- Is your hurt too deep to forgive?
- Are you confusing hurt with the death of your relationship?
- Did you have and confess an affair to escape your marriage?
- Did you work through your guilt about being the Betrayer before you decided to divorce?
- Is this unresolved guilt the true cause of the divorce, not the fact that you fell in love with someone else?
- Are you putting your lover’s needs ahead of your family’s and partner’s?
- Whether you are the Betrayed or the Betrayer, are you using divorce to escape your feelings of emptiness?
- By not accepting responsibility for the part you played in the affair (whether you’re the Betrayed or the Betrayer), are you making divorce the only possible outcome?
- Do you truly understand the emotional resources you need to develop inside yourself, and what another person can give you?
- Do you feel you’ve been emotionally divorced for a long time?
- Did you try action oriented marital therapy? Did you do it alone if your partner?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. And please seek professional help before calling the divorce lawyer! Make certain that divorce is the only answer, and that you are truly unable or unwilling to work out your problems. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.
I suspect, however, that you are among the 98 percent of my patients who decide to stay together, work out their problems, and find true love in the marriage they’ve already created. I hope you are—but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! You still have work to do in the area I call “resolution”: the Betrayer must end the affair (if you haven’t already), both partners must decide what (and if) to tell the children, and begin to re-establish trust and love. This could be the hardest part of all.
If your partner is having trouble ending the affair and many times adulterer does not want to hurt the feelings of the lover or paramour or the lover and need help to end the affair. Next week I will go into how to end an affair.
Do you want to save your marriage? Get your questions answered. Call me directly at 212-606-3787.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Your Marriage can be saved!
As the new year is ushered in it brings sadness to countless families who are faced with divorce. During the month of January, without fail, the majority of my new clients come to me because they want a divorce or their partner wants a divorce and they do not.
There’s always hope, most of the time even if one partner has given up from frustration and exhaustion and the other has hope and helps the one who has given up.
I introduce couples at a crossroads in their relationship to my Smartheart skills and dialogues which are easy to learn but usually foreign to most couples.
You both believed in your marriage and its foundation when you fell in love, piggyback on that and learn how to nurture and not take each other for granted. Put the effort needed daily into this sacred relationship, creating true love to last a lifetime.
I often share my love story, and that of my parents highlighting all the “potholes” as an inspiration to others so they too can walk the walk and find their way back to each other. So, before you decide to leave your marriage, sometimes from pride or exhaustion, you need to try, try, try and try again!
Take the time to recapture that LOVE underneath the anger and hurt you are now feeling.
If you are thinking about dumping your husband/wife or partner, think very hard about your reasoning.
Stay tuned for more in my upcoming post…
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker