If single or married:

Are you worried that you’re fighting over the same things and does that mean the honeymoon is over?

Relationship is or will be ending?

Actually without fighting there is no igniting passion, conflict is necessary for a healthy relationship. Polite relationships and marriages are higher in adultery because we need that “edge, spice, and sizzle.” Only the ” fair fighting” way allows the honeymoon to return and brings on lifelong commitment. Some ground rules of my “fighting fair” Smartheart Skills and Dialogue:

Make an appointment with permission – Time limited, keep it short, ten minute to start.
Time outs are necessary, especially for men who are overwhelmed with “talking a relationship to death.”

Do not minimize or “but” your partner’s feelings.

After fighting, reverse the negativity and bring on the endorphins (ex: kissing, touching, or making love).

Break ups or divorce are caused by not “checking in” with each other on a daily basis, and announcing you and your partner’s “script” so there are no misunderstandings. When you check in you will find out your partner’s language of feeling loved, rather than your perceived script of him/her (it’s usually not correct).

When my husband, Jeff and I shared our scripts, we felt it’s one of the best and easiest way to let each other know the way you need to be loved.

Because everyone has different thoughts, beliefs, and feelings concerning how they want things to go, and think they should go. No one script is the same, but often in relationships, we get angry at our partner for having a different script. We don’t share our scripts because we think our partner already knows what we want, we fear the repercussions of asking for what we want, or we assume that we won’t get it anyway, so why bother.

Being “polite,” “nice,” or “flexible” does not allow you or your partner to say no. At times, especially for men, they don’t know how they really feel so they often give knee jerk reactions of yes, when they really mean no (a delayed reaction). Using my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues will prevent these types of misunderstandings so both partner’s needs can be met.

Overcoming men’s “allergy” to women’s emotionality is a skill that can be learned. Men—as you learn your partners’ scripts, depersonalize your partner’s frustrations, listen, and validate, your partners’ needs will seem less overwhelming, and your own need for space will be less of an issue.

Women—as the Connection Guardian, with these skills and dialogues your partner will feel safer, more relaxed, and more passionate with you and you will feel more at ease and sure of the relationship.

Both men and women need to help the other break unhealthy patterns before they destroy the relationship. In my sessions with couples, I teach them how to coach each other and be coachable.

For more ground rules and skills and dialogues on increasing passion and sizzle through the necessary “fair fighting” I go further in depth in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and keeping love for singles and couples.

You can also apply for a Free 30-minute Ideal Relationship breakthrough sessions with me to help you get the passion and sizzle to restore the magic in your relationship or marriage.

Here is to finding and keeping real love!

 

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Love and Relationship Expert

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