How To End An Affair
The affair must stop for change to occur, however, ending an affair is easier said than done. This is the 2nd of a three-part series.
If you didn’t end your affair before you confessed it, you must do so immediately. You cannot begin to restore trust with your mate until he/she is certain that you are having no contact with your former lover (which we’ll discuss more later in this chapter). Giving up the affair may be harder than you expect, and will probably cause you to feel very sad. You must allow yourself to grieve—and your spouse must accept this process, too—before you can move on to a “new” relationship with your mate. You will simultaneously be grieving your damaged relationship with your spouse—an emotion the two of you can share—and looking at the early stress, loss, and separation (refer to Chapter 2 if you need to re-examine causes of early loss) that made it difficult for you to form a lasting, healthy relationship.
All of the psychological work I am recommending in this chapter that you undertake presupposes that you and your spouse are also attending to the biochemical and sugar imbalances—including any addictions to alcohol or drugs—that contributed to the relationship problems and resulting adultery.
Balancing your biochemistry and soothing your psyche must go hand-in-hand if either is to succeed for the long term. This is true for both members of a couple. As we’ve seen, both members of troubled couples often have sugar or biochemical imbalances, or chemical dependencies that contribute to the downward spiral their marriage takes once the “honeymoan” is over.
Most marriages can be saved even with adultery if an affair is stopped and many couples finally work out their underlying h issues then and reach real intimacy with adultery as it’s catalyst. I offer a groundbreaking theory, treatment, and protocol to my clients which has yielded a 98% success rate when followed.
Next week I end this series with “Should the betrayed ever meet the lover?”
I am here to support you with any questions you may have from how to make up to how to deal with an affair. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Divorce-meter: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
To the two percent of couples who divorce, I say: Congratulations! You tried to save your marriage, you did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But before we get to that point, I ask couples seriously considering divorce to take my “Divorce-meter” questionnaire.
“Divorce-meter”: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
- Were you ever “in love” with your spouse?
- Has the love between you disappeared? If yes, are you sure
- Did you and your partner both commit yourselves to working seriously on your problems?
- Are you trying to escape emptiness?
- Are you bitter? Are you able to forgive?
- Do you want to be “right” so you don’t have to forgive?
- Do you hold grudges? Do other people in your family?
- Do you suffer from false pride?
- Is your inability to let go of your anger a sign you want to divorce?
- Did you receive a sexually transmitted disease from your partner? Are you unable to forgive the Betrayer because of that?
- Are you avoiding intimacy out of panic?
- Is your hurt too deep to forgive?
- Are you confusing hurt with the death of your relationship?
- Did you have and confess an affair to escape your marriage?
- Did you work through your guilt about being the Betrayer before you decided to divorce?
- Is this unresolved guilt the true cause of the divorce, not the fact that you fell in love with someone else?
- Are you putting your lover’s needs ahead of your family’s and partner’s?
- Whether you are the Betrayed or the Betrayer, are you using divorce to escape your feelings of emptiness?
- By not accepting responsibility for the part you played in the affair (whether you’re the Betrayed or the Betrayer), are you making divorce the only possible outcome?
- Do you truly understand the emotional resources you need to develop inside yourself, and what another person can give you?
- Do you feel you’ve been emotionally divorced for a long time?
- Did you try action oriented marital therapy? Did you do it alone if your partner?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. And please seek professional help before calling the divorce lawyer! Make certain that divorce is the only answer, and that you are truly unable or unwilling to work out your problems. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.
I suspect, however, that you are among the 98 percent of my patients who decide to stay together, work out their problems, and find true love in the marriage they’ve already created. I hope you are—but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! You still have work to do in the area I call “resolution”: the Betrayer must end the affair (if you haven’t already), both partners must decide what (and if) to tell the children, and begin to re-establish trust and love. This could be the hardest part of all.
If your partner is having trouble ending the affair and many times adulterer does not want to hurt the feelings of the lover or paramour or the lover and need help to end the affair. Next week I will go into how to end an affair.
Do you want to save your marriage? Get your questions answered. Call me directly at 212-606-3787.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples