Relying on Chemistry (Part 1)

Women Still Cheat

Much of our bandwidth as it relates to relationships that make headlines is taken up by stories of cheating boyfriends and husbands. But there’s a fundamental component that’s making waves more and more – which is both unfortunately in its reality but helpful in dispelling myths – and that is: women stray as well. No one is automatically immune from the possibility of infedelity.

An article on Foxnews.com this week points out that often when men cheat they’re doing it for sex while women cheat for love, therefore more relationship survive male cheating. Issues related more to sex and physical attraction are seen as more commonly able to be worked through where as issues related to falling out of love with your partner and falling in love to someone else are viewed as insurmountable.

As I talk about in my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I believe there are few things – adultery included – that couples can’t work out if they’re both committed to doing so. One of the things I suggest as a way to work through a troubled relationship is to take a break from eachother. Sometimes given a bad rap by being seen as the gateway to the final divorce or break up, I think a break, when done properly by two committed people, can save a relationship. If you’ve suffered a breach of trust with your partner – whether male or female – I urge you to, of course, talk to someone in counseling but to also consider (under their supervision) breaking up to make up.

If you’ve decided this would be a good step for your relationship, how do you engage in a “break up” with the intention of helping your long-term relationship?

1. A break up must never be used as a threat or for revenge.
2. It should only be used as a wakeup call.

3. If you don’t do a break up to MAKE UP, it is a high risk of a permanent
break up or emotional breakup (A Brush with Divorce).

4. The less emotional and more loving you are when you initiate the break
up the better.

5. If you don’t do the “break up” (The Brush with Death) carefully, the

relationship may permanently end.

In some cases, you may need the extreme feeling of experiencing life without the other person in order to determine how much they mean to you. This “brush with death” will help determine that, will give distance to things that may become too heated to discuss in the current state of the relationship, and can renew each person in their commitment to each other.

Young women seeking wealthy?

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi shocked feminists everywhere we he said that women seeking a life partner should “follow the money” and marry wealthy. Of course, we all know we shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from 73-year-old Berlusconi: he was recently embroiled in a sex scandal based on reported encounters with younger women, including prostitutes. Although he denies the prostitution charge, he admits he’s “no saint” and he and his wife have since separated. Throughout the years, he’s told the media young women should look for wealthy, older boyfriends so when he dies they can inherit his wealth.

There’s much to be said about what’s wrong with this viewpoint, but in a country where we do value money and power very highly, the attraction to wealth can lie not far below the surface even if we’re not as vocal about it as Berlusconi. That said, it may be interesting to note that as women are making more, the so-called “need” for this type of perception is shifting to one where men may start to feel outpaced.

The majority of layoffs during this recession have hit men.  Womens’ status as breadwinner continues to become more and more prevalent, according to a New York Times study. Last year – as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs – 82 percent of the people laid off were men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce. Not to mention, women now control roughly 60% of wealth in the country due in part to the fact that they often outlive men and thus inherit family wealth.

So the question is no longer “How can women get wealthy?” – since they’re already doing so, and often without the help of a man – but “What can women do with their wealth?” According to a study by The Hartford Financial Services Group, women’s worries focus on three major areas: inflation, health and longevity.

According to the specifics of the study, which examined the projected retirement levels of nearly 2 million employees at 72 large U.S. companies,  “both men and women are on track to replace 85 percent of pay at retirement, assuming average life expectancy. However, women, on average, need to replace nearly 130 percent of their final pay at retirement because they often take time off to raise kids. That’s seven percentage points more than men. When factoring in differences in longevity, that disparity jumps to 10 percentage points.”

So while women are making great strides in terms of earning power – and breaking assumptions like those made by Berlusconi that they need a man’s help to develop wealth – it’s important not to lose sight of the importance of planning. Nowadays (most) women’s retirement plan is not to marry wealthy, but to create wealth of their own.

Fewer women, more marriages

If there are few eligible women in your city, you’re more likely to get married. A study published last month in the journal of Evolutionary Psychology found that in areas of the country where there are more women than men, women are more likely to get married at a younger age.

The study puts forth several ideas for this including the likelihood that men won’t want to let a good catch get away and therefore propose marriage earlier than in places where they, perhaps, feel like they have more options.

According the MSNBC, to conduct the study, Daniel  Kruger, evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan analyzed data on the average marriage age and the number of men and women in the nation’s 50 largest cities.

Using the data, he calculated what’s called an operational sex ratio, which is the number of sexually available men per 100 sexually available women, multiplied by 100. A ratio of 100 means a balanced population, while numbers larger than 100 indicate a surplus of men. A ratio of 110, for example, means 11 men are available for every 10 women. A ratio of 90 would mean nine men are available for every 10 women.

Regardless of how the ratios are in your area, there are a few things that I advise people to do to make it past the first date. Yes, statistics about gender, age and location can play into things but that doesn’t mean you can’t take control of your dating life and help steer it in the direction you want it to go.

First up, toss the notion that if he or she doesn’t call right away it means they’re just not that into you. We need to employ common sense here – sometimes that can be the case, but chances are, the person you’re waiting to hear from just doesn’t want to come across as needy or clingy. I suggest women should make the first move in connecting for a first date and getting past that possible lull of uncertainty. If you like him, tell him! But make sure that first contact is a phone call – texting or emailing first can leave too much open to interpretation.

Secondly, talk about money on a first date. That’s right, I said bring up the elephant in the room. It will help alleviate the awkward “who’s paying” moment, but it will also help start you out on the same page. I don’t mean that you have to talk about your exact salary or how much you put into savings each month. Starting off by discussing your family patterns as related to money – what I call your Financial Imago – can be a good place to begin.

Third, utilize what I call Smart Heart Skills. I discuss this further in Make Up Don’t Break Up and usually I encourage couples who have been together for a while use it as a way of getting through rough patches and creating a place where it’s safe to speak their mind. But it can work for early dating relationships as well. If you start out a potential relationship by being honest with eachother – by asking some of the tough questions – if you continue to date you’ll start out on the right foot, and you’ll find out early on if you don’t want the relationship to progress.

No matter where you live and how many available men or women there are, you can empower yourself to take matters into your own hands!

Did Kimora Lee and Russell Simmons Read the Book Prior to Selling?

Adultery the Forgivable Sin Teleseminar

Adultery the Forgivable Sin Teleseminar

Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery?

September 14th 8:30 pm EST

Have you committed adultery?

Have you been a victim of an unfaithful significant other?Have you grown up with a parent who committed adultery?

This seminar is for Singles, Couples, Married, Unmarried or Children of Adulterers!

Tune into this action packed teleseminar for tips from Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil- The Adultery Buster and #1 Love Expert in the World!

Attendees can speak directly to Dr. Bonnie Weil and receive your questions answered live on the call. If you have questions but don’t want to speak, you will be given an email address you can anonymously send your questions to have answered during the call! Whether you’re a participant or want to be a “fly on the wall” this call is for you.

Adultery is far too common in relationships. Find out how we can stop this ever growing epidemic! Did you know that there is a cheater “type?” Find out the traits of people most likely to cheat in a relationship. Guard against and adultery proof your relationship and your life.

Did You Know ….

* One partner in 80% of marriages commits adultery.
* A leading dating website for married people who cheat has skyrocketed from 1 million to 4.5 million members in just 1 year.
* Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is the only expert who says adultery is a treatable disease.
* Although 65% of couples break up when adultery is committed, Dr. Bonnie has a 98% success rate of couples she works with who stay together.

What you will learn on this call:

* The Fab 5 (secrets) to keep him/her home with you.
* Learn 4 ways to have an affair-proof marriage/relationship.
* Learn about 3 brain chemicals that need to be in balance to stop adultery in its tracks.
* How to wake up and shake up your stale relationship.
* Why you should break up to test your relationships staying power.

Early Sign Up Special! Sign up by August 31st and receive $15 off!
https://doctorbonnie.com/?page_id=634

Eat, Pray and LOVE your Relationship!

With Eat Pray Love hitting theaters, I suspect there’s a lot of soul-searching going on. The movie is based on the book of the same name which focuses on the author Elizabeth Gilbert’s round-the-world journey to seek out enlightenment and peace after her divorce. It’s reported that her publisher paid her an advance which helped to finance the trip and there’s no doubt that would sweeten the pot and help make such a trip doable. Most of us probably won’t see an advance that enables a trip like that but there are plenty of things you can do to ensure enlightenment and peace without leaving home.

And since my area of expertise is relationships, here are a few tips to keep things happy on the home front – and to help ensure the only round-the-world excursion you’ll take is one for fun and relaxation, with your significant other by your side!

Don’t over-ride emotion. Sure, it can seem easier to just sweep heated discussions or uncomfortable communications under the rug but sooner or later things will resurface. Opting not to talk about things will likely lead down a road you don’t want to be on; one where you end up in a knock down drag out fight, or one where you’re pushed apart and possibly even enter into an affair.

Instead, learn to fight fair. The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.

Know your “Imago.” Imago is the imprint that makes you who you are – your background, upbringing, friends, job history, education and so forth. But it’s also the “image” of what you’re looking for in a partner. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with stressors as a couple. Being aware of how YOU deal with these things (your imago) and acknowledging your partner’s imago helps to forestall any preconceived notions or assumptions. It all comes back to being honest with yourself and your partner!

Have an affair – with your own partner! People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high. There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

These are just a few creative and basic ways to encourage healthy relationships. For more, check out Make Up Don’t Break Up, Financial Infidelity and Adultery the Forgivable Sin.

Fighting Fair Could Save Your Marriage

Fighting in a relationship doesn’t have to signal the end – but rather, it’s HOW we fight that makes all the difference. I’ve long been teaching couples how to fight fair and now new research shows that it’s things like our tone of voice, words we use, whether or not we hear each other out that contributes to how effective and productive fighting can be, according to the Wall Street Journal.

“All couples disagree—it’s how they disagree that makes the difference,” explains Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict for the last 30 years. He found that, perhaps surprisingly, fighting doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship is on the rocks, in fact, couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, “You can get angry, but it’s important to talk without fighting.”

The latest statistics from his research published in the Journal of Family Psychology also show that couples who had trouble with communication and used it in a negative way before marriage – ie, to criticize, belittle, leave the room during an argument or disagreement – were more likely to end up divorcing.

Perhaps surprisingly, there’s also little distinction made about the so-called differences between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging – they’re all forms of expressing dissatisfaction with a situation or a person and learning how to convey these feelings, and how to respond to them, can make all the difference. Here are some things I’ve been telling my patients about how to fight fair:

You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Make Up Don’t Break Up.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.

Just as learning to fight fair can be imperative to a successful relationship, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. In this scenario, each partner agrees to be sensitive but frank and to not take things personally.

But the bottom line is, don’t push things under the rug and believe the lie that people in good marriages don’t fight. It’s HOW you fight that’s important.

Is the world find out about your life… Before you?!

Once it’s been spread across Facebook, it’s been spread across the world. Facebook is a powerhouse when it comes to social networking, posting something on Facebook is the same as posting something on a billboard in New York’s Times Square. Metaphorically speaking.   Prince Harry faced a similarly humiliating situation when his girlfriend of 5 years officially ended their relationship by changing her status on Facebook as well. No matter which way you look at it, changing your relationship status on Facebook is an official and public declaration of what’s going on in your real life. “Breaking up via the internet is a form of cyber bullying.  It is a cowardly approach to handling a situation and leaves the other person feeling humiliated, ashamed and can also cause many readers to side with the person initiating the break up” says Dr. Bonnie Weil.

A Facebook dating app (AreYouInterested) conducted a survey and the results of 1,000 responses are telling. Apparently, a lot of people are using social network sites to do the “dirty work” of dating, from surreptitious splits to manipulative messaging. Almost 25 percent of respondents found out their own relationships were over by seeing it on Facebook first.

Dr. Bonnie explains that avoidance of confrontation may be the cause of people resorting to breaking up through social media sites. “80 percent of men are distancers. I refer to this as a man being allergic to a woman’s emotionality. This avoidance, distancing, and fear of dealing with repercussions can lead to couples taking short cuts in ending a relationship.” But that doesn’t make it right. “I assist couples in learning how to communicate through all stages of their relationship, and there are right and wrong ways to break up. Ending a relationship on the Internet is wrong.”

Not only is Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, MySpace and other social networking sites the new trend for breaking up, it is also where many divorce attorneys are finding credible evidence for cases involving adultery. Apparently Tiger Woods phone isn’t the only tattler to “out” adulterers. Over 61 percent surveyed by IllicitEncounters,com, the UK’s largest extra-marital dating agency, said a text message had, at some point, either incriminated them or aroused suspicion about their affair.

Dr. Bonnie, relationship expert and author explains the details of how, why and when to break up appropriately in Make Up Don’t Break Up, a groundbreaking relationship book now available in paperback with the accompanying DVD Falling in Love and Staying in Love. Dr. Bonnie can be reached at 212-606-3787 for a therapy consultation or via email at info@doctorbonnie.com

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