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Posted by on July 18, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Before you let someone diminish the pain of a break up or tell you there’s no such thing as a broken heart, consider this study from the University of New York, and Rutgers University. Scientists tracked brain activity as participants in the study – 15 students who had recently been victims of a break up – did mundane tasks like counting backwards from 8211 by sevens. That’s right – students who had recently been dumped were asked to provide a picture of their former significant other, then look at it while they counted down from upwards of 8000 – all which seems to add insult to injury!
Aside from the potential painfulness of this exercise, the scientists discovered that “the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection were the same ones involved in reward, motivation, physical pain, craving and addiction. For instance, looking at photos of exes lit up regions that are activated in cocaine addicts’ brains.”
It’s possible that anyone reading a romance novel could tell you that, but it goes deeper in explaining why the feelings of heartbreak are so hard to get over – it’s the same feeling experienced from pain, addiction and a host of other things.
Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience and neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, thinks it’s helpful for people to know that breaking up is supposed to hurt. “One guy called back the next day and said he thought the self-knowledge really helped,” she says.
It’s true that sometimes relationships just can’t be worked out and that dealing with the pain of a break up, struggling through the loneliness and emerging with new self-awareness is part of a growing process. Especially since the study participants were college-aged, these processes are to be expected. But so often I find that people have given up too easily on significant, meaningful relationships because of a lack of dedication to working through a problem.
There is a fine line between being a sucker for someone who hurts you repeatedly and with no indication that the behavior will change – and of course I’m not advocating staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I discuss finer details and techniques in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, but if both parties admit there are problems before the relationship gets to a dire point, and both people are willing to put effort into putting things back together I believe most relationships are salvageable.
Which mean – less counting backwards from 8000!
Posted by on June 26, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Recently in the NY daily news (http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/06/22/2010-06-22_young_couples_arent_in_a_hurry_to_walk_down_the_aisle.html) there was an article on young couples not being in a hurry to walk down the aisle. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, known as the #1 Love Expert in the World and the “Adultery Buster” strongly agrees with this article. “Couples need to see each other in crisis situations, to see how each other handles these situations. You need to get to know the person and not just in the Honeymoon stage. Life has many growths and changes, will this person support your dreams and aspirations? Time needs to be taken to get to know the families, after all you are not just marrying him/her, you are marrying the whole family“
Some tips Dr. Bonnie recommends is:
* Take time and see each other and see how mature the person is
* The Brush with Death is recommended as couples need to experience life without the other person. Can they succeed on their own?
* The Brush with Death should be done with specific rules and with no anger. Leave the door open and know that you are exploring other possibilities. It is important to take time with other people as well to see how they handle life situations. Is this person really the one? The Brush with Death will be a good deciding factor.
Dr. Bonnie Weil has a 98% rate of couples who stay together using her Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue. These tips and many more can be found in her book Make Up Don’t Break Up.
Posted by on June 16, 2010 · Leave a Comment
New York currently has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country due to their divorce laws. Currently couples must work through their problems in which therapy is usually used to do so. To get a divorce, one party must allege cruel and/or inhuman treatment or adultery, or the couple must be legally separated for at least one year. On Tuesday the State Senate made a step toward adopting the No Fault Divorce, in which they will be the last state to do so. This in turn will cause a much higher divorce rate. “No fault will not help us, we need to take time to sort out our differences. We don’t want to have a divorce, we need to save a relationship and work through the problems. Couples need to make up and not break up” Says Dr. Bonnie Weil a NY therapist known as “The Adultery Buster and The #1 Love Expert in the World”.
Dr. Bonnie has written the best selling book Make Up Don’t Break Up which speaks on how to save your relationship and bring back the love using her Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue.
Posted by on June 16, 2010 · Leave a Comment
After 40 years of marriage, famous political couple, Al and Tipper Gore are splitting up. The reason – at least the one being given – is abnormal within high visibility power couples: they simply grew apart. There’s no prostitution ring that’s been uncovered, no scandal that’s come out, no secretive trips or love children or taboo behavior.
It’s a misconception that couples who divorce later into their marriage are few and far between. According to an economist at Wharton who studies family trends, couples ARE more likely to divorce in the first ten years of marriage but after that the percentage of those divorcing each year is very similar throughout the years of marriage. In other words, there’s not a drop off point, a magic number that once you make it to, means you’re home free.
Case in point – on the heels of Tipper and Al’s announcement comes word that his oldest daughter, Karenna, married for 12 years, may also be seeking a divorce. She announced that she has been separated from her husband for the past three months.
So while there’s no “safe” point in terms of how long a couple has been married, there ARE things couples can do to ensure they’re growing closer together – and not further apart – as the years go on.
1. Smart Heart Dialogue: This is the first tip I always start with and one that I go into in great detail in Make Up Don’t Break Up. Most of us know that open, honest communication is key in a relationship, but it has to go deeper than that. We must create a safe space where each person feels comfortable sharing their concerns, struggles and emotions, even if sometimes those things are painful to hear.
2. Fight Fair: Fighting gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it can be a sign of a passionate, engaged relationship – you just have to know how to do it correctly! I suggest putting on an emotional “bullet-proof vest” where each partner agrees to be sensitive but frank and to not take things personally. But the bottom line is, don’t push things under the rug and believe the lie that people in good marriages don’t fight. It’s HOW you fight that’s important.
3. Have an affair with your partner: Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority! Remember, a touch CAN be magical! It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.
For more ideas on how to rekindle the spark of a relationship – or keep it burning! – check out my book, Make Up Don’t Break Up.
Posted by on May 19, 2010 · Leave a Comment
At Rutgers University, a professor has done a study behind adultery and how it links to Vasopressin. Helen Fisher, a research professor in the Department of Anthropology has studied adultery and infidelity for 35 years. She has found biological and psychological reasons as to why people have a propensity to cheat. Dr. Bonnie cures adultery in her patients and finds there are 3 major points when it comes to adultery/infidelity:
* Anyone that commits adultery has a high level of vasopressin which is the risk taking thrill seeking hormone found in men.
* Vasopressin is higher in people with OCD.
* When somebody has high vasopressin it makes them very anxious. High powered executives, politicians, celebrities and others with stressful jobs have high vasopressin.
Dr. Bonnie says “What calms the anxiety down is the stress busting self medicating high which is usually adultery. High profiled individuals/politicians live on the edge, when they live on the edge they get anxious and they need to calm down. Sex is the stress busting self medicating high.”
Posted by on May 4, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Shocking revelations about President Obama possibly have an affair on his wife Michelle 2 years ago are starting to unravel. Supposedly he was caught on surveillance camera as well as a limo drive who has admitted to the accusations. The affair seems to have occurred with 35 year old Vera Baker who worked on his campaign. Though these accusations may not be from the most reliable of sources, we have yet to speculate or comment on these accusations. Following history, presidents have a high tendency of adultery due to the Stress, Loss and Separation factor. It leads to the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection, more power= more risk. We have seen this with the infamous political figures such as John Edwards and Bill Clinton. Political profiles have a hard time staying out of the lime light and when adultery is mentioned the media seems to go hay wire. So we ask ourselves, could these accusations be true? He would not be the only president who may have been caught being unfaithful, it follows in the path of Bill Clinton, John F Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Warren Harding, Dwight D. Eisenhower and Lyndon Baines Johnson. So we sit and wait to see if these accusations are surely true or not. Either way the leader of our country will continue his work through the scandal that may rock the white house once again!
Posted by on April 25, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Melanie Griffith is in People Magazine speaking on her addiction. She says she is clean but will always have a drug problem, she must keep it under control. Dr. Bonnie says “Addictions are a lifelong problem and you can keep it in check. There are ways to substitute addictions to healthier addictions such as exercise etc. It takes a change in diet, supplements and meditation.” It is a lifelong problem as everyone these days are under various types of stress. Melanie Griffith had a knee injury that led to her recent drug addiction to pain medications.
Some statistics according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
(SAMHSA)
* 22 million Americans have a substance abuse or dependency problem
* Only 2.5 million of them enter a hospital or clinic for treatment
* Number one drug of abuse in the United States: Marijuana
* Number two drug of abuse in the United States: prescription painkillers
For further information tune into A&E on the documentary Dr. Bonnie is in speaking about Melanie Griffith and her addiction. Also more information can be found in Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery, Make Up Don’t Break Up and Adultery the Forgivable Sin. Information on adultery and addictions can also be found on www.doctorbonnie.com
Posted by on April 25, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Here’s a statistic that may surprise you, especially given today’s economic climate: in 25% of households, women are earning more than their male counter-parts. This could also be especially due to today’s economy given that the men in these households may be out of work while their wives and partners remain employed. According to a New York Times study done early in the recession, as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce. And the pendulum is swinging again, re-writing gender roles and our relationship to money.
Typically, as men have been the breadwinners, they find themselves more defined by money and their earning power. But as the statistics above show, we need to change the way we look at male-female power dynamics. We need a new way to navigate the shift in power due to male-female role reversal and the resulting power dynamic that now faces both couples and singles.
Finances have long been at the root of much relational difficulty, and with this shift, it’s becoming even more important to identify your money patterns and define what areas of your relationship tend toward Financial Infidelity. This is a form of cheating that’s often so subtle, people don’t know they’re engaging in it, yet it can be just as devastating as a physical affair.
In my book, Financial Infidelity, I define this type of infidelity as going behind your partner’s back when it comes to your finances. What this looks like in practice varies for each couple; for couples who are on a tight budget it can mean withdrawing $20 extra at the grocery store and using it for something personal. Or it can be as dramatic as not telling your significant other about a work bonus with the idea of keeping it for yourself. I call this the “money mistress.”
Of course there are many other ways this can manifest itself and a lot of it has to do with how our relationships toward money were cultivated in our early years. This is where what I call “Financial Imago” comes in. “Imago” is a term that references the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for.
Coined by Harville Hendrix, the term is the Latin word for “image.” As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple. In order to do this, you have to understand the ways you’re both prone to deal with money – and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.
To do this successfully, I suggest engaging in Smart Heart Dialogue. with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced?
But as with any significant change – whether culturally or within your own relationship – tradition, habits and patterns are heard to break so be sensitive and tread lightly.
Also be sure to catch Dr. Bonnie’s advice on the Today Show:
Posted by on April 19, 2010 · Leave a Comment
News broke this week that Larry King will be getting his eighth divorce due to a supposed affair with his sister-in-law. Reports are also being made the King’s wife, Shawn Southwick, committed adultery as well. King is also reported to have given Southwick’s sister over $100K in gifts, including an expensive car. From ABC News:
“On Wednesday, King filed for divorce for the eighth time (he married wife Alene Akins twice), this time from Shawn Southwick, 50, with whom he has two children, Chance and Cannon King. Later the same day, Southwick also filed for divorce. Both spouses claimed irreconcilable differences.”
These accusations carry with them the baggage of previous failed relationships and an attitude that appears to treat relationships as impermanent; as well as a penchant for financial infidelity. While most of us will likely not be faced with such extravagant, extreme acts in our relationships, that doesn’t mean we can’t fall subject to these things – financial infidelity – on a smaller scale. In fact here’s how I describe financial infidelity in my book of the same name, when I see it in most of my clients (who aren’t throwing about $100K on their spouses siblings!).
It can be as simple and mundane as keeping $20 for yourself when you go to deposit a check or it can be as complicated and public as keeping a woman in every city – or even just one city! The basic idea underlying financial infidelity is that it’s something you’re trying to keep from your significant other. To some, a $20 withdrawal may not be a big deal but if that’s beyond what you’ve discussed in your personal relationship as being over the limit then it’s a form of financial infidelity.
We see the extreme behavior frequently from people in the public eye, but in my research I’ve found that anyone in facing stress, separation or loss is susceptible to this behavior and, let’s face it, nowadays who among us isn’t a little stressed. I call it the Biochemical Craving for Connection, and I treat it as an addiction. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.
Fortunately, I believe any relationship can be saved and while it appears that Larry King and his wife have already drawn their lines in the sand, the same doesn’t have to happen if you’re experiencing similar circumstances. There are numerous techniques on how to deal with these situations, many of which can be found in my book Make Up Don’t Break Up. Communication with your partner is key in resolving these issues – and in preventing them from happening again!
Posted by on April 9, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Add to the list of recent exposed cheaters NFL star and Today show correspondent Tiki Barber. He joins the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards – and these are just the people who’ve been exposed recently. Every time we turn around it seems someone larger than life is being brought down by confessions or allegations of infidelity. Barber announced he’s leaving his wife of 11 years (who’s eight months pregnant with twins, I might add!) for his 23-year-old mistress, a former NBC intern. It seems like infidelity is spreading like an epidemic and I do believe infidelity and adultery can be treated like a disease, brought into the light, discussed and thereby hopefully rehabbing those who have faced it or succumbed to it. In fact, not long ago it was discovered that there’s a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners, thereby making them less or more likely to be disposed to infidelity.
As I make clear in all my work, connecting infidelity to a gene, or labeling it as a disease does not give the perpetrator a free pass – it merely serves to help us better understand the cause and effect and to treat it effectively instead of continuing the trend of leaving devastated relationships in its wake. As we’ve seen, adultery is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Typically, those in the spotlight have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress, and nowadays with all of juggling so many things, it doesn’t take being a politician or an actor of a sports star to fall into the cycle of adultery. It feeds off what I call the biochemical craving for connection.
If you’re in the habit of not addressing your subconscious feelings, people often look instead for that next thrill-seeking high. The quest for this high becomes all-consuming even though to a rational mind the quest seems quite dangerous. Similar to alcoholics and other addicts, those who are dealing with the affair disease are frequently putting everything on the line for that next fix.
Of course there are other factors at work here – like if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.
This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting AGAINST however you have to – through therapy, support groups or counseling.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil is known as the “Adultery Buster” and the #1 Love Expert in the World. For further information on how to treat stress, loss and separation before it spirals into adultery, please visit www.doctorbonnie.com for contact info.