Adultery – Relationships At Risk: Shake Up To Wake Up
Relationships are a source of so much fulfillment, and often they cause pain and sorrow, but it does not have to be that way. Adultery: the unforgivable sin, as many call it, is forgivable, curable, and treatable as I see it as a disease.
98% of the couples I talk to who experience adultery make up and stay together using my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues. If they can do it, you can do it too! My theory is very different than that of mainstream thinking; I believe it is an inherited emotional, physiological behavior pattern. As Peter Ustinov stated, “love is an act of endless forgiveness.” I say forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.
My professional experience and that of my parent’s experiences shows that most marriages can be saved and even prosper after the betrayal, if the couple is willing to do the work necessary to recognize what contributed to the affair in the first place. Couples usually communicate more than they ever have after an affair. The betrayal becomes the catalyst to get to the intimacy and the love underneath.
An affair is a dysfunctional attempt to stabilize your relationship. Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce and adultery than in first marriages, so it’s worth trying to work it out before you walk away.
38% of people have engaged in online sexual conversation, and 50% of people have made phone contact with someone they chatted with online. 1/3 of divorce litigation is from online affairs. I recently read, there is an adultery epidemic, 45 to 50% of married women and 50 to 60% of men commit adultery at some point in their relationship.
I believe adultery can be cured physiologically as well as emotionally by balancing their stressed brain chemicals through psychotherapy, medical workup, and treatment, in a team approach working as I do with an MD doing testing on people who are thrill seekers.
For my three part theory on adultery being a disease and more Smartheart Skills and Dialogues to save a marriage, since I believe most marriages can be saved after an affair, read Makeup Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.
An affair is a cry for help; it shakes you to wake you. After an affair couples start communicating and working on their symptoms which are part of a bigger problem. Both people take responsibility for their part in the affair occurring as a way to deal or not deal with that bigger problem.
SMART HEART DIALOGUE
“I am lonely, and I don’t want to stray. I need love, nurturing, and attention. I want you, not someone else. Please help me to stay faithful.” Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Part Five – Relationships At Risk: Shake Up To Wake Up
It is necessary to learn what to do if you suspect or want to forgive adultery, or if you have committed it yourself. Remember, the best affair is the one you can have with your own partner!
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Love and Relationship Expert
Have a problem with your relationship? Apply for a Free 30-minute Ideal Relationship breakthrough sessions with me to help you get the passion and sizzle to restore the magic in your relationship or marriage. Apply today!
Fighting Fair To Bring On Passion And Prevent Infidelity
If single or married:
Are you worried that you’re fighting over the same things and does that mean the honeymoon is over?
Relationship is or will be ending?
Actually without fighting there is no igniting passion, conflict is necessary for a healthy relationship. Polite relationships and marriages are higher in adultery because we need that “edge, spice, and sizzle.” Only the ” fair fighting” way allows the honeymoon to return and brings on lifelong commitment. Some ground rules of my “fighting fair” Smartheart Skills and Dialogue:
Make an appointment with permission – Time limited, keep it short, ten minute to start.
Time outs are necessary, especially for men who are overwhelmed with “talking a relationship to death.”
Do not minimize or “but” your partner’s feelings.
After fighting, reverse the negativity and bring on the endorphins (ex: kissing, touching, or making love).
Break ups or divorce are caused by not “checking in” with each other on a daily basis, and announcing you and your partner’s “script” so there are no misunderstandings. When you check in you will find out your partner’s language of feeling loved, rather than your perceived script of him/her (it’s usually not correct).
When my husband, Jeff and I shared our scripts, we felt it’s one of the best and easiest way to let each other know the way you need to be loved.
Because everyone has different thoughts, beliefs, and feelings concerning how they want things to go, and think they should go. No one script is the same, but often in relationships, we get angry at our partner for having a different script. We don’t share our scripts because we think our partner already knows what we want, we fear the repercussions of asking for what we want, or we assume that we won’t get it anyway, so why bother.
Being “polite,” “nice,” or “flexible” does not allow you or your partner to say no. At times, especially for men, they don’t know how they really feel so they often give knee jerk reactions of yes, when they really mean no (a delayed reaction). Using my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues will prevent these types of misunderstandings so both partner’s needs can be met.
Overcoming men’s “allergy” to women’s emotionality is a skill that can be learned. Men—as you learn your partners’ scripts, depersonalize your partner’s frustrations, listen, and validate, your partners’ needs will seem less overwhelming, and your own need for space will be less of an issue.
Women—as the Connection Guardian, with these skills and dialogues your partner will feel safer, more relaxed, and more passionate with you and you will feel more at ease and sure of the relationship.
Both men and women need to help the other break unhealthy patterns before they destroy the relationship. In my sessions with couples, I teach them how to coach each other and be coachable.
For more ground rules and skills and dialogues on increasing passion and sizzle through the necessary “fair fighting” I go further in depth in Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and keeping love for singles and couples.
You can also apply for a Free 30-minute Ideal Relationship breakthrough sessions with me to help you get the passion and sizzle to restore the magic in your relationship or marriage.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Love and Relationship Expert
Getting to Commitment
How to get to commitment for singles or married even with adultery.
To take your relationships to the next level is a delicate art, like a delicate surgery to issue an ultimatum to your partner, whether it’s moving in together, getting married or whatever that next stage of your relationship might be. There are skills and dialogues that I call “Smartheart Skills and Dialogues” that I’ve used successfully in my tried and true program, which has garnered a 98% success rate. The Smartheart Skills and Dialogues were developed while dating my husband and my parents also used it in their marriage as well.
Over my 35 plus years of working with patients, I’ve come to the conclusion that many more couples would get married if they could experience what life would be like without each other. What I refer to as a relationship “brush with death.”
I recommend to my patients a breakup to make up. This is a temporary break up for a specified period of time, with permission, and done with love. You both should take this time to resolve your fear, become stronger and discover how much you mean to each other. It also encourages appreciation of each other and not taking each other for granted giving you clarity and certainty about your feelings. I use as an example my husband who was non-committal during our courtship and my parents. Going through this process sets up the fear of losing your partner in order to love him or her. Do not reconnect too soon.
Break up to make up is good for adultery as well to reignite passion and appreciation for each other. The fear of losing you becomes stronger than the fear of loving you resulting in commitment forever. Break up to make up is a shake up to wake up to get movement.
Some of the patients I work with who experienced adultery found that break up to make up helped them to reignite the passion and appreciation. The fear of losing your partner become stronger than the fear of loving them thus resulting in a lifelong commitment.
In my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, I talked about a couple, Tammy and Fred – When she initiated a “brush with death,” Fred realized that he was more afraid of losing Tammy than he was of losing himself in the relationship. Fred had started to lose his feelings for her but the “brush with death” created an endorphin high and this reignited their passion and appreciation for each other. Tammy during this time learned to stop doing things that Fred took for granted, so he would then treat her as well as she treated herself. What she also found is that she needed to love herself first so Fred would then follow suit.
Announce this “brush with death” to your partner lovingly and gently – be prepared for resistance and don’t waiver.
I work with female patients who, although the woman THOUGHT they wanted commitment, they were also afraid and were hiding behind their commitment phobic man. This was their way of avoiding being hurt, but instead it hurt much more. Although they wanted commitment, they were afraid.
To get to commitment, rely more on movement and less on analysis and words. Gently coax him or her out of their shell or armor so you can see who they are and be conscious of your own anxieties so you don’t sabotage yourself!
Here is an example of the Smartheart Skills and Dialogues that I’ve used with my patients: Hold your ground and validate the phobic partner (the partner not wanting commitment) and yours (you wanting commitment). This is the Smartheart Skills and Dialogues that I want you to use with a commitment phobic partner: “I understand you want to be sure” and have a guarantee that we will be happy together; life and love are reasonable risks. It takes courage to love and to take a chance. I can help you with this; I’m scared too. We have such a special feeling and relationship that I’d like to take a chance with you.
Here are a few Smart Heart Questions to Ask Yourself
- Are you with your partner because you really like them and want to have more time together?
- Are you hanging with them because they are attractive?
- Are you with them because you’re lonely?
My Mom and Dad used these techniques to stop Dad’s adultery, and his narcissism for good and they reached real life love because of these Smartheart Skills, especially a “brush with death.”
For more ground rules and benefits of my Smartheart Skills and Dialogues, especially if your partner does not respond to these suggestions from this article. I go more in depth on how to let them go with love to get them to come back in my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.
Want to talk to me about this delicate art and why it’s necessary to let them go with love in order to get them back? Whether you are married or single and have been trying to work on your relationship for years, I am here to help you.
In only 30 minutes, I’d like to help you have a major breakthrough in what has felt like a relationship nightmare. Apply here
Typically, private relationship breakthrough session calls with me cost a minimum of $400. Why am I doing this for free? Because I know if you have some loving direction and support, YOU can be successful NOW, and I want to support you and the success of your relationship. Apply here
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D
Love and Relationship Expert
3 Signs It May Be Time for You to Have a Relationship Mentor
Many people I meet with that are having relationship challenges, need more than a few sessions with a therapist. What they really need is a relationship mentor; someone that can help them shorten the learning curve in having their ideal relationship whether married or single.
Many more try to do it all alone only to find themselves stuck and never truly living the relationship bliss that is available to them with some clear direction and guidance.
Are you struggling with a relationship that has lost it’s sizzle?
Are you looking to attract the man or woman of your dreams and not having much luck?
Are you plagued by money problems in your relationship?
Have you or your partner had an affair, and the trust is gone?
Have you found yourself in a relationship that feels unsatisfying or just toxic?
All the while thinking that this is what marriage or partnering is and you need to just deal with it. If so, exploring the possibility of having a relationship mentor may be a good next step.
In many cases people I end up working with, as a relationship mentor, feel like they have no other choice if divorce is not an option because of kids, religious beliefs, etc.Not everyone is ready to have a relationship mentor, but there are signs that this may be the time to consider exploring the idea.
Here are a few:
- You and your partner seem to be arguing a lot, always about the same thing. Never getting any headway. – Did you know that conflict can be healthy and necessary for passion? But it’s essential to know how to bring on the sizzle with fighting fair.
- You suspect an affair, or there has been one, and it’s not working. – Maybe you’ve had traditional talk therapy, but it really hasn’t established a real sense of trust that it won’t happen again. – I treat adultery as a physiological disease and have a groundbreaking approach that has a 98% cure rate using my integrated approach.
- Money or finances is a big issue in your relationship. – Money is the number one relationship wrecker because opposites often attract. A relationship usually has one spender and one saver type, so you have to learn how to have conversations about touchy subjects like money and sex in a way that helps you both get your needs met.
- There are commitment issues. – Your partner is moody, selfish, uncooperative, or narcissistic and you are breaking up or want to break up.
You see, I know what it feels like to want a great relationship and doubt HOW to actually do it. That is how I came to create my Ideal Relationship Mentor system. It works with couples, singles or even just one person.
I know most relationships can be saved if you have the right support and guidance.
I am blessed to have worked as a relationship therapist and mentor for over 35 years, to help people with relationship problems that many felt could not be solved. Many had worked with therapists and had just about given up when they found me. I have a global phone-based practice, so I can work with people all over the world and for those that want in person support, I have a private practice in New York City. I am so grateful to have a 98% success rate!
In only 30 minutes, I’d like to help you have a major breakthrough in what has felt like a relationship nightmare.
Typically, private relationship breakthrough session calls with me cost a minimum of $400. Why am I doing this for free? Because I know if you have some loving direction and support, YOU can be successful NOW, and I want to support you and the success of your relationship.
Whether you are married or single and have been trying to work on your relationship for years, I am here to help!
BUT I only have 10 spots available for a complimentary breakthrough session on the phone.
My gift to you is available for 72 hours. Reserve a spot to chat with me at a time — within the next 4 weeks — that works for you!
Reserve your spot now, so you can have a clear plan that will propel you to a more successful relationship in the next 90 days or less.
These sessions will be handpicked and qualified based on your level of interest, commitment, and the order it was received. We will determine your qualifications based on a simple questionnaire that you can complete in as little as 5 minutes.
Wouldn’t it be great to have your plan in place to have the fulfilling relationship you deserve now?
Here’s what people are saying:
Using your techniques to overcome the issues in my 4-year relationship… I am now happily remarried, living in London and loving my work helping others to create successful relationships and to move forward with their lives after bereavement.
~ Shelly Dr. Bonnie – Thank you so much for your amazing material. It’s my bible when dealing with men. I’ve even had clients say “if I had this book ….years ago I wouldn’t have lost my boyfriend/husband wouldn’t have had an affair… etc.
I myself am now only just now embarking on a serious search for a relationship and your book has the pages tabbed and marked with highlighted. Ha Ha! ~S. Courtis
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Love and Relationship Expert