Did you know that heat waves bring on more than one type of sizzle?
What can you do?
Like my patients who take advantage of the summer heat to “fire” up their relationship and light each other’s Fire, take a romantic walk after dinner to the light of the moon as its dark later. Have a picnic in the park and surprise your partner when he/she arrives home leave a note where to secretly meet you! Cool off with a swim after work as a novelty to your relationship.
You do not need to spend money to have fun, quality intimate time together.
Remember what goes on outside the bedroom affects what goes on inside the bedroom! You can dance under the stars in summer. Many parks have that, so put on those dancing shoes like Paula and Brian did to create sizzle on those warm summer nights –the long “hot” summer that tricked themselves into those feelings they had when they fell for each other. As Katie Couric said to me on the Today Show that 30-second kiss does wonders to turn on outside the bedroom. Check out how to do this kiss in the video “Falling in Love and Staying in Love” that accompanies my Readers Choice NY Times book Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples.
I am here to support you with any questions you may have from how to make up to how to deal with an affair. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist
The best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
ALERT: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SUMMER HEAT WAVE
Men are more amorous in HOT climates!
Research tells us sixty-two percent of men feel more amorous, in hot climates. This is why the country of Greece has such a high incidence of adultery, as I was told when I visited there! I personally advocate making lemonade from lemons. So, since men are more amorous in hot climates take advantage of the “sizzle” outside and inside and have an affair with your own partner during these HOT summer days and nights!
If your relationship or marriage feels like you are just roommates and you don’t know how to take advantage of you or your partner being more amorous, make more happen OUTSIDE the bedroom to turn each other on (unlike roommate behavior), so try this! Make mindless moments matter by feeling “excited” with your partner when you are outside the bedroom.
My overworked and distracted couples do not save this “turned on connection” I call it, not just for the bedroom like most! They know it’s the foreplay for later or tomorrow that helps turn on the other by doing mini-connections.” This can be holding him or her close or passionately kissing before he or she goes out the door to work, or the same greeting when he or she returns home. Savor that moment when you are looking in each other’s eyes or stroking each other’s hair. Cuddling and looking in your partner’s eyes before bed, even if exhausted, goes a long way for a “promise” that you can’t wait for tomorrow!
Showing these displays of affections sets the stage for the romantic, not roommate scenario. Steamy outside and steamy inside, created during those exciting mindless moments of touch, kissing or stroking or cuddling, away from the bedroom will bring you back to the bedroom! What happens outside the bedroom ends up inside the bedroom!
Only a few moments of that longer gaze or kiss makes us all amorous. If more of us did this, we could reduce adultery and divorce. We all want to be loved and made to feel special. Make those moments count and don’t use the excuse of “I don’t have time.” Make the time! It’s exhilarating like exercising, and bonds you to your partner. This is why my husband and I have Fantasy Friday’s, for the last 29 years we’ve taken Friday’s off from our practices to be alone with each other, we take turns with the planning. So every week, one of you gets to pick your fantasy and the other one plays along.
Your Fantasy Friday could be as innocent as going to a hockey game. One of my patients’ fantasies was to be “picked up” by her mate. They arrived at a nightclub separately and he had to win her over to bring her home. They both loved this one!This is something I want you to not just try but DO IT! If you want to learn more about Fantasy Friday’s I give more ideas and couples experiences in my best selling book which is accompanied by a free video on “Falling in Love and Staying in Love.”
Get a FREE chapter from “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples” click the link below.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
You are more compatible than you think! Opposites Do Attract
Most relationships can be saved as people fall in love and usually pick well-opposite and since opposites attract it causes trouble but leads to real life love if you do the work. Recognizing why you picked opposite to complete you, the traits you suppressed or repressed in childhood to be socialized or to seek approval or to people, please.
You seek this out in your partner, loving it in the beginning and hating it in the power struggle stage. You will need tools, ground rules, and dialogue which I call Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue to keep your relationship full of passion and sizzle! Then you can both do it on your own after learning this in a few short sessions. These skills are the glue whether a relationship is new or old. Instead of getting rid of your partner (same will happen with a new one ) change the dialogue and behavior with each other.
Here are some simple steps:
- Think of your partner with admiration every day
- Write what you love about him or her
- Tell her or him every morning how handsome or beautiful your partner is
- Cuddle for 30 sec before he or she wakes up.
These mini connections are what makes a relationship. Remember when you attack your partner you attack yourself, you picked that person for a reason; andthat reason is to get their traits somehow!
Read more about opposites and sizzle in my Readers Choice New York Times best-seller Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples, forward by Dr. Harville Hendrix ,Ph.D., “This is the best manual for saving a relationship I have ever seen.”
Want to learn more about how and why opposites attract? Scheule a a complimentary Make Up, Don’t Break Up phone session with me. This is a no-obligation offer – Go here to apply for your FREE session today!
You can also reach me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Can a Pill Cure Adultery?
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Best-selling author & Love and Relationship Therapist, thinks so – and in her psychotherapy practice, she’s seen a 98 percent success rate with couples traumatized by adultery.
Propelled by her own family’s legacy of addiction and adultery, Dr. Weil discovered a connection between an overabundance of sugar in the blood and risky, thrill-seeking behavior. With the help of an Internist MD, Dr. Weil developed her theory and has been treating adultery as a disease ever since.
Dr. Weil believes that an adulterer’s “biochemical craving for connection” is a disease, which can be addressed with a change in diet and medication. Monogamy is a conscious decision to be faithful and stay in love, and adulterers are often thrill-seekers, thriving on danger and risk-taking. The combination of eliminating sugar from the diet and balancing blood sugar and brain chemicals with two supplement — Lithium Orotate and Oxytocin—led patients to report feelings of greater clarity, focus, and good judgment, resulting in better choices, and re-bonding with a partner. The supplements help to control temptation and the compulsion to cheat when paired with a special, blood sugar balancing diet (which includes the elimination of alcohol) and frequent exercise to counteract stress, loss, and separation.
The combination replaces the feelings of elation that may come with adultery, recreating the same chemicals our bodies produce when we are truly happy or in love. A partner who has been betrayed and may suffer symptoms of PTSD can also benefit from these supplements, hastening forgiveness and understanding.
Dr. Weil is available to discuss her theory further and provide testimonials from patients who have benefitted from her treatment (names must be changed for publication).
Disclaimer: DO NOT try these supplements without a doctor’s supervision and full medical workup.
Here are some case examples that I talk about in my book “Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery” understanding our biochemical craving for connection.
One such example is Devon, people with blood sugar imbalances can become easily obsessed, developing addictive and self-destructive behavior in order to calm down and lower their anxiety. Some examples are sexual adultery, drug use, alcohol abuse and overeating to calm down reduce the anxiety.
“Thrill-seeking” behavior, like adultery, is increased by blood sugar imbalance, stress, and OCD. This is why we use pills to reduce the anxiety and create a calmness. Oxytocin is similar to the forbidden fruit orgasm, which you have during an affair.
It is important to note that risk-taking and “thrill-seeking” behavior heightened by Vasopressin is (a hormone) increased by hypoglycemia and stress. Vasopressin (hormone) that can seek out dangerous “thrill-seeking” behavior increased even more by those with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) which is what we see in most adulterers.
Our Oxytocin is inhibited by stress so the “thrill-seeker” (who already have a high level of Vasopressin to calm down and seek out …..
The foods we eat provides the building blocks for every hormone and chemical in our bodies. If we eat foods that are building blocks for chemicals that make us feel good, they act like natural painkillers (endorphins), dopamine (the molecule of joy), and serotonin for mood which causes depression when it is too low. When serotonin is normal, we will feel calm, content, and happy.
Having too much sugar can upset the brain chemical balance and result in out of control and self-destructive behavior. For example – Marty and Mara, Marty had several affairs, his daily diet consisted of alcohol, pasta, and bread which all turned into sugar. His adultery stopped when he followed the diet of no alcohol, no sugar, and a restricted diet with special emphasis on making sure he took the Lithium Orotate and Oxytocin pills. His adultery returned when he “forgot” to take his pills, and became “tired” and “bored” with the diet.
When questioned by me why he was sabotaging himself, he said the diet was “too boring,” and he wanted to get that “thrill-seeking,” danger, and risk-taking feeling back that he felt from committing adultery. Marty also got back his poor judgment, and lack of clarity when he sabotaged himself. He then left his wife for 12 months to go on a sexual spree. At the same time, this sabotage was contagious and his wife Mara stopped taking her Oxytocin, and her PTSD came back.
He went on to say, “it’s difficult to stop the adultery, it feels too good. I’m having so much fun without the pills. I like having no clarity”. He relied on the part of the brain that is reward driven and addictive.
It was a long way back – he craved what he was allergic to, the sugar and the sugar took the place of the pills. He got a high, then a low so he would commit adultery for the “thrill-seeking” drug, induced high, as he explained it, to counteract the low. The Oxytocin pill he was taking before helped his OCD as well so he could control his compulsions.
One week before his wife presented him with divorce papers, Marty, who loved to live on the edge, agreed to take the pills again, stop eating sugar, and drinking alcohol. I am happy to say that they are still together and very happy. The betrayed (Mara) still takes the Oxytocin also, as she continues to have PTSD which Oxytocin is very helpful for as well.
Today he has a very strict diet, exercises regularly, takes his pills daily without missing, and has been faithful for the past 2 ½ years, no temptations to act out. What happened in this couple’s case is his brain chemicals were balanced for more clarity after the blood sugar was balanced with the help of the pills he takes daily.
Another one of my patients, Chloe, had low serotonin, low dopamine, she felt no joy, and no sense of aliveness. When given supplements to reduce her stress and feelings of depression, she began to get her feelings back for her partner again and stopped the adultery.
Another example is Joel who knew (for years) he craved and was allergic to sugar and understood the protocol, but consciously sabotaged himself. He went on a 3-week ice cream binge and refused to take the Lithium Orotate and Oxytocin. Joel was “testing” me, and the doctor working with him. He did not believe that his unbalanced chemistry and stopping the pills that had helped him with clarity, judgment, calmness, and contentment, caused him feelings of depression, pessimism, and lack of passion for Susie.
When Joel could not get the “high,” he needed from the food he turned to sex with other women for self-medication. He began performing poorly at work and reached such a low point that he ended up separated, then begging Susie to take him back after a six-month stint of “living with a girlfriend,” and being a free spirit.
Today Joel and Susie are healing and working together on their marriage. Joel tried no more stints with me and the doctors and is dedicated to not self-medicating, and not using adultery as a wedge. He feels stable and content with the pills and his balanced blood sugar, giving him more clarity and better judgment, he also exercises every day which when done together prevents acting out – adultery.
The change in the diet and the pills, my patients say, takes away cravings for alcohol (which lowers inhibitions) so there is less chance of being tempted to cheat. I’ve seen this in my practice and also documented this in my book, Can We Cure And Forgive Adultery.
Without balancing brain chemistry, sugar imbalances, and diet change, adultery will resurface no matter how much psychotherapy you have and rear its ugly head again. Patients came back 2 years later with recurring adultery caused by stopping the pills, not following the diet, not eliminating sugar and alcohol, and not exercising regularly.
My father, who is my inspiration for doing this work, unsuccessfully only had psychotherapy (4 times a week for 8 years), struggling for 25 years and not being able to stop cheating. He told his doctor’s it appeared to be something he could not control and manage even with Psychotherapy. My Father explained regularly his OCD symptoms (the compulsion to cheat) to no avail and said the symptoms became more pronounced with sugar (he had a daily candy draw) and when he did not eat for long periods of time (hypoglycemia low blood sugar) and was overly stressed. 25 years later he received the proper help from my Mentor, Dr. Fogarty, followed his protocol and completely stopped cheating on my mother for the next 25 years!
My dream and my father’s, who left this legacy, is seeing these questions with answers. Our dream is seeing these neurological and biochemical indicators also used, as psychotherapy progresses, so patients have objective measures of progress they are making, as these pills correct their neurotransmitter imbalances with the added talk therapy to rewire the brain. By balancing brain chemicals (neurotransmitters), adultery can be cured, controlling sugar imbalances, changing the diet, and adding exercise to do so. Per my father’s discovery, guidance, and painful journey (with my mother) and the successful implementation of my father and with patients over the years, I developed my theory The Biochemical Craving For Connection which has proven then and only then is the time to use psychotherapy to deal with the stress, loss, and separation to complete the treatment of the “disease” of adultery when the biochemical factors are also dealt with.
There is a physical basis for our cravings, whether we crave alcohol, drugs, food, or a new lover. We are attempting to recreate the emotional contentedness and connectedness we’ve lost. This is our “biochemical craving for connection.” We fill our emotional emptiness with lovers, booze or drugs because doing so causes our bodies to create the same chemicals we make when we are truly happy or in love. Lithium Orotate and Oxytocin brings the mind and body with the other protocol mentioned, to that safe, calm place. The change in diet, the balance of blood sugar, and the exercise which raises the dopamine (the molecules of joy), that brings people to that safe, calm place. This minimizes destructive, addictive, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior as it calms and quiets the mind.
Our neurotransmitters are hereditary, passed down from generation to generation (thus the “disease” of adultery as we see in the Kennedy Family, and in the Royal Family). The good news is, despite their neurotransmitters being passed down from generation to generation, they can be changed, as the brain is plastic, and these pills start the new behavior, giving people choices and ways to alleviate the pain and to save their families and jobs from the trauma of the “disease” of adultery!
It’s time we see this “disease” as curable! Another benefit of the pills is it helps with getting the feeling back for you and your partner after adultery for both the adulterer and the betrayed!!!
Monogamy is a CONSCIOUS decision to stay faithful and to stay in love. However, without the pills, there is no clarity and judgment to make that monogamous choice. For saboteurs who are compelled to act out and hurt their families, there is no choice. These pills create a new choice to counteract compulsion or OCD.
For people who can’t stop cheating or feel they’re out of love with their partner this biochemical craving for connection treatment works!
Disclaimer: DO NOT try these supplements without a doctor’s supervision and full medical workup
Adultery is a treatable, curable, and a forgivable sin! Take a Sneak Peek into my best-selling Adultery book –
FREE!
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist
Best-selling author of:
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Should You Stay Or Should You Go?
This is the biggest questions I am asked by the couples I work with who stay together and are a part of my 98% success rate. To help them decide, I give them a quiz to see if they will put the effort in, not only to save but stay in the relationship or marriage.
Yes, it does take effort, less effort than starting all over with a new person, however, because getting rid of a person does not get rid of a problem and second marriages are higher in adultery and divorce than first marriages.
Why?
Because your unresolved family and generational issues will follow you in any relationship. So make an effort to work it out with the person you chose who IS supposed to give you the most trouble in order to figure out your childhood wounds.
With a learned way to dialogue and connect, which I teach my patients, you can finish your childhood that way, because it is supposed to be with the person you love the most. The reason I made the video “How to fall in love and stay in love” and wrote Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples to go along with it is to teach both singles and couples how to use humor and how to “fight” properly because “polite” marriages are much higher in divorce and adultery.
Here are the 24 questions I use and want you to ask yourself before deciding to leave your relationship or marriage!
Questions to Ask Yourself When Deciding Whether or Not to Stay
- Did you not marry for love?
- Are you running away from emptiness?
- Are you avoiding intimacy now that you are in the rebuilding phase? (After the affair is uncovered and stopped the real intimacy-avoiders have to look themselves in the face. That is when panic sets in.)
- Are you a grudge-holder like other members in your family?
- Do you have a hard time with bitterness? Do you not handle forgiveness well?
Click the button below to download the full list of questions.
I am here to support you with any questions you may have on how to make up, not break up. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist
Best-selling author of:
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Financial Infidelity; The #1 Relationship Wrecker
Why Are There So Many Spring Breakups?
There are so many couples breaking up in Hollywood in April alone these 4 couples called it quits. Jennie Garth‘s & David Abrams, Brook Burke & David Charvet, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan and Kendra Wilkinson & Hank Baskett… Spring is the time of year that turns a man’s fancy to love not break up.
It does not have to be that way – I have a 98 percent success rate of couples who stay together. That is why I say most relationships can be saved. When the “honeymoan” ends and the inevitable power struggle occurs, embrace it instead of running as it leads to the rainbow of real-life love.
We are meant to have challenges with the love of our life, that’s when we “feel out of love,” but we are numb when the power struggle feels foreign after the blissful honeymoon. Yes, you heard me, we unknowingly pick a person that gives us the most trouble, a composite image of the positive and negative traits familiar in our childhood that propels us to think getting rid of a person gets rid of a problem.
This is the reason second marriages are higher in adultery and divorce than first marriages. The dialogue I teach my patients so they can do it without me provides the safety to navigate the power struggle, so it leads to real life love. The journey is worth it and love wins out if you hang in there when the going gets rough. I provide a manual for you in my book Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples with the skills and tools for staying in love. You will also see how my patients, my family, and my husband and I did it. The video that accompanies the book shows real-life couples learning how to make up, not break up. Both the video and the book will help you how to find love and how to stay in love.
Therefore, instead of going for divorce you hang in there and have faith in the power of love like my patients, my parents did it and so did I during the courtship with my husband.
Since most relationships can be saved there are instances when you need to leave that person. Next week I’ll be sharing with you some questions for you to take a look at to decide whether you should stay or go.
Once you’ve taken a look at the questions and you’ve tried everything and still want to leave, in my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin Chapter: “Not for lovers only” – I show couples 30 ways to leave their lover.
I am here to support you with any questions you may have on how to make up, not break up. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin – Turned into a movie Unfaithful: Discovery Health
When cheating happens in a relationship
In a recent interview with David Letterman, Jay Z opened up cheating on his wife Beyoncé and showed remorse. When cheating happens in a relationship, I tell my patients showing remorse, stopping the affair and getting help, so it does not reoccur is essential to making up, not breaking up and staying together after adultery.
Often the relationship gets better as it did with my parents after an affair since it can be a catalyst to work through the real issues finally that were disguised before. An affair makes the couple take seriously the real issues camouflaged by the affair.
It’s necessary to learn the best way to confess an affair and how to confront an affair if you want to save the relationship.
Most relationships can be saved even after an affair, as long as you know tips like this These tips are taken from my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin – How to confess an affair – Chapter 9 and for the deceived how to confront AND GET ANSWERS !!!)
The things I recommend not to do are: Do not ask are you having an affair, no open-ended questions if you want the truth!!!, Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t threaten if you want the truth. If you confess – timing is everything, but not if your partner is heavily stressed that day!!
When you answer these questions, remember sometimes honesty can be cruelty, so no gruesome details, so your partner does not leave, due to words he/she will never forget.
For more tips check out my book Adultery: The Forgivable Sin – Turned into a movie Unfaithful: Discovery Health that goes over my new groundbreaking theory for the cure and treatment of adultery.
If your relationship is at risk because of an affair, I am here to help you. Your relationship can be saved despite an affair. I have a 98% success rate with my patients staying together after the betrayal of an affair. You can reach me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Make Up Don’t Break Up When Moving In And Picking Out Furniture!!
You CAN avoid the “normal” power struggle when making home decisions and actually become closer!
If you’ve visited this site before, you will remember that we all pick a person who gives us the most trouble—it’s supposed to be that way as opposites attract. Why? The person who challenges your tastes or spends differently than you can actually challenge you in a positive way. That is, if you both learn the simple smartheart skills to balance your differences—then you will actually get closer! As you and your partner embark on this new and exciting journey, it’s important to keep a few things in mind:
Recognize and accept the “normal” fear
Remember moving in together is a beautiful, romantic but also scary step for couples. Instead of recognizing the “normal” fear moving in (getting closer) brings on, couples “fight” to rationalize they should break up instead of make up. Let the love shine through and work harder as love, like life, is a reasonable risk.
Decor isn’t a dealbreaker
Moving in and picking out furniture should never be a problem. In fact, it is a great “non-problem” and is a part of the moving in process that should be enjoyed. Spend some time together and sort through both you and your partner’s belongings. What should you keep, donate, or toss? Find what you both agree on and make those decisions together. When it comes to buying new items (especially the big ticket ones), make sure to find a middle ground. When in doubt, look around for inspiration. Whether you’re purchasing paint for the walls or a dining table for years to come—there are plenty of resources online.
Make space for individual needs
When you’re in the process of moving in with your partner, the word “together” may be at the top of mind. While the majority of this process does involve coming together, it’s important to remember that you’re still an individual with individual needs, which are often different than your partners. Don’t lose the “I” when becoming “we.” Try carving out your own space within the shared space and talk with your partner about ways to be apart while still being together. Perhaps you’re an avid painter? It may be beneficial to have your own studio space—someplace to escape to.
Be comfortable with complications
To be “sure” and have no complications means being alone, and being alone means loneliness. How about being grateful you found someone you are in love and can afford moving in together with? All those wonderful, but sometimes tricky, decisions are because you married your opposite. If you do the work and hang in there you’ll see that opposites are more alike than different.
When the time comes to actually make the big move, try to remember the key points outlined above. Moving in with your partner should never be a reason to break up—it should be a process that you work through together and become closer while doing so.
Dr. Bonnie, author of Make Up Don’t Break Up and Financial Infidelity (helping couples discuss money) outlines these simple steps to moving in harmony, and recommends working on these skills BEFORE you shop so you enjoy “shopping till you drop” in the most romantic way and enjoy this honeymoon period!
Spring represents new beginnings, what better time to move in together.
I am here to support you with any questions you may have from how to make up to how to deal with an affair. Please do not hesitate to call me directly at 212-606-3787 with your relationship questions.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
The best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Adultery: The Forgivable Sin – Turned into a movie Unfaithful: Discovery Health
Divorce-meter: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
To the two percent of couples who divorce, I say: Congratulations! You tried to save your marriage, you did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship, and it just wasn’t meant to be. But before we get to that point, I ask couples seriously considering divorce to take my “Divorce-meter” questionnaire.
“Divorce-meter”: Should You Stay or Should You Go?
- Were you ever “in love” with your spouse?
- Has the love between you disappeared? If yes, are you sure
- Did you and your partner both commit yourselves to working seriously on your problems?
- Are you trying to escape emptiness?
- Are you bitter? Are you able to forgive?
- Do you want to be “right” so you don’t have to forgive?
- Do you hold grudges? Do other people in your family?
- Do you suffer from false pride?
- Is your inability to let go of your anger a sign you want to divorce?
- Did you receive a sexually transmitted disease from your partner? Are you unable to forgive the Betrayer because of that?
- Are you avoiding intimacy out of panic?
- Is your hurt too deep to forgive?
- Are you confusing hurt with the death of your relationship?
- Did you have and confess an affair to escape your marriage?
- Did you work through your guilt about being the Betrayer before you decided to divorce?
- Is this unresolved guilt the true cause of the divorce, not the fact that you fell in love with someone else?
- Are you putting your lover’s needs ahead of your family’s and partner’s?
- Whether you are the Betrayed or the Betrayer, are you using divorce to escape your feelings of emptiness?
- By not accepting responsibility for the part you played in the affair (whether you’re the Betrayed or the Betrayer), are you making divorce the only possible outcome?
- Do you truly understand the emotional resources you need to develop inside yourself, and what another person can give you?
- Do you feel you’ve been emotionally divorced for a long time?
- Did you try action oriented marital therapy? Did you do it alone if your partner?
If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you may be divorcing for the wrong reasons. And please seek professional help before calling the divorce lawyer! Make certain that divorce is the only answer, and that you are truly unable or unwilling to work out your problems. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of regret.
I suspect, however, that you are among the 98 percent of my patients who decide to stay together, work out their problems, and find true love in the marriage they’ve already created. I hope you are—but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook! You still have work to do in the area I call “resolution”: the Betrayer must end the affair (if you haven’t already), both partners must decide what (and if) to tell the children, and begin to re-establish trust and love. This could be the hardest part of all.
If your partner is having trouble ending the affair and many times adulterer does not want to hurt the feelings of the lover or paramour or the lover and need help to end the affair. Next week I will go into how to end an affair.
Do you want to save your marriage? Get your questions answered. Call me directly at 212-606-3787.
Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Can We Cure and Forgive Adultery
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples
Forgetting Valentine’s Day is no coincidence
If a partner is missing out on Valentine’s day, he is missing out on one of the most romantic days and moments for potential intimacy. Forgetting the holiday is often a recurring pattern, so I suggests combating that by encouraging wives and girlfriends to take the initiative. Remind him about the Valentine’s Day, go shopping with him for it, and get him excited about the celebration. To seize the moment, use Dr. Bonnie’s Smart Heart tips from her book “Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples ” and accompanying video “How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love for Singles and Couples.” Since Valentine’s Day can be used to measure the temperature of a relationship, more often than not, men forgetting Valentine’s Day is a sign of something more. These warning signs can be signs of adultery or the ripening of a relationship for an affair, so heed the warning. Men are not in touch with their feelings and typically hold in these feelings. Men need to be guided as they don’t always know how to feel or what they feel. Most men are “connectable by instruction.” To quote Dr. Jeff Weil, Dr. Bonnie’s husband, “If I knew what I felt, I would tell you, so I welcome your help.” SmartHeart dialogue was born by dialoguing to help Jeff understand what he was feeling and be able to express it. SmartHeart dialogue helps them dig deep with small doses of communication and results in an endorphin high with “play” after the talks.
Beyond forgetting Valentine’s year after year, some other signs that he may be secretly harboring a grudge include,: excusing his behavior, minimizing the holiday, putting down his partner for wanting to celebrate, makes fun of the holiday, acting like a Scrooge, pushing partner away, turned off when affection is initiated by the other, leaves early in the day, comes home late, is argumentative, is not talkative around you but is with others, little or no intimacy with partner, “too tired” or uses work to distance themselves, shuts down when approached, stonewalls with silence, denies anything is wrong, does not want to discuss the grudge, or gets moody when asked about it.
To grudge bust,: do not say yes when mean no, watch out for delayed reactions that cause resentment later, stand your ground, don’t cave even if it’s easier, “act as if” even if you don’t “feel” the good feelings, do not do “peace at any price” it leads to war, write letter representing partner’s apology for hurt caused and show your partner the feelings.
When one or both of you are holding a grudge, part of the reason is because you didn’t and still don’t feel safe enough to tell your partner what you need and stand your ground. In order to be able to do this, you need to restore safety to the relationship. The following ground rules should be closely adhered to so that you both feel safe enough to begin dissolving the grudges.
Smart Heart Ground Rules to Increase Safety for Dissolving Grudges:
- Stop beating yourself up; forgive yourself.
- Stop beating up your partner; forgive him or her.
- See each other as wounded children.
- Take and give space without guilt or manipulation.
- Disconnect and reconnect with announcement, preparation, and tenderness.
- Don’t punish or shame.
- Remember that it will take a while to get your feelings back; that doesn’t mean the love is gone.
- When you’re dealing with your partner’s hurt, you are healing your own as well.
- Use attachment skills and have sex even if you don’t “feel like it.”
- Doing it will make you feel like it and help you to knock down barriers the grudges have built.
- Check in daily to see how your partner is doing and how you can help.
Once safety is restored in the relationship—or is on its way to being restored—it’s time to begin dissolving the grudges. Take on only one grudge at a time. If you are both holding grudges, take turns, so that you can both feel good about the progress that is being made. It’s important to work as a team on each grudge, no matter who’s holding it, or for what reason.
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Here is to finding and keeping real love!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. – Love and Relationship Therapist, Mentor & Coach
Best-selling author of:
Make Up, Don’t Break Up: Finding and Keeping Love for Singles and Couples